[Jessica and Ashlee Simpson] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.
• Gays, hold on to your pants, because the ugly is about to get uglier: David Gest, estranged husband of Liza Minnelli, is requesting that the court disregard the duo's prenup, as Liza failed to disclose that she was a herpetic alcoholic with violence issues. Even more horrifying: this implies that Gest learned the truth once he got his own lesions, meaning the two actually slept together. Behold the miracles of science. [E!]
• Tom Cruise continues his descent into obscurity by making appearances as Six Flags and a Redskins game in an effort to appear "average" and "normal." [Wonkette]
• Ashlee Simpson hits Barneys, spends $11K in a mere 30 minutes. And you thought she didn't have talent! Also, post-surgery, she's rather attractive. [BWE]
• According to his ex-wife, cuddly Tom Hanks is a secret hate-fucker. [Page Six]
• Christina Aguilera endures the ultimate humiliation: getting bumped from the cover of Vibe in favor of Bobby Brown. [Lowdown]
• Ian Schrager bans Paris Hilton from his Gramercy Park Hotel. What we'd give to see her drunk ass getting denied at the door. [Page Six]
• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen also experience the sting of rejection: having failed to RSVP for a Vogue-happy party, they never got past the entryway. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Young Hollywood acts stupid, amazes masses by nonetheless walking upright. [R&M (bottom)]
Do you hear that? It's the sound of uncontrollable cackling, and it's coming from the office of every magazine editor in town. The rampant joy comes courtesy of Britflack Rob Shuter, famous for helping Paris Hilton negotiate the murky waters of getting her ass sued by Zeta Graff, who has been dumped by his prized client Jessica Simpson.
The Life Regurgitated blog may have inadvertently stumbled upon a huge clue regarding the L.A. County Sheriff's Department's investigation of why Malibu cops initially tried to bury the report of Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic outburst following his DUI arrest. We're not sure what unconventional theories the Sheriff's Department is currently exploring in its Gibson probe, but Life Regurgitated's referrer logs reveal that they apparently involve trying to obtain pictures of Ashlee Simpson's nose-job from blogs. The investigators had better think twice before allowing themselves to be drawn any deeper into the dangerous, morally ambiguous world of celebrity rhinoplasty, because this shit could go all the way to the top.
• Oprah's sorority sister Gayle King is angling for Star Jones' spot on The View, but her friendship with Jones makes it hard for King to execute a campaign. Is this really a difficult choice? Or is Gayle just stupid? [R&M]
• Ted Casablancas introduces the world's most thinly veiled blind item ever. The use of Morgan makes it even more impressive. [Awful Truth]
• Katie Couric nets an impressive $115K to speak about herself at the University of Oklahoma's graduation ceremony. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Don't get too excited for the upcoming Guns n' Roses shows at Hammerstein. Axl Rose didn't even show up at a rehearsal attended by Sebastian Bach — what makes you think he'll appear for little old you? [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton is thrilled to promote her new video game, even if she has no fucking clue what it's called. At least she got her name right. [AP]
• O.J. Simpson proves that it's actually possible to be less funny than Ashton Kutcher. [Page Six]
• Ashlee Simpson won't talk about her rumored nose job. The work speaks for itself. [IMDb]
• And just because it's Friday: we cannot stop looking at the hypnotizing monstrosity of Uma Thurman's breasts. [Yeeeah]
• The UK Observer argues that Rolling Stone is once again the anti-establishment bible, "giving a new lease of life" to editor/publisher Jann Wenner. If so, could the mag once and for all stop pretending it has anything to do with music? Just cut that painful shit loose, please. [Observer UK]
• NB to Tom Cruise: Never, ever publish another piece of writing. And pity the poor soul who had to edit you — we'd rather eat our own scabs. [Time]
• Today David Blaine begins his fishbowl stunt, in which he finds an excuse to subject us to his shirtless torso for one full week. [Gothamist]
• It's wonderflack Jonathan Cheban's dewy MySpace profile! He's actually friends with Lindsay Lohan, which means he can read her MySpace blog entries. Color us jealous. [MySpace]
• Work at Men's Journal? Have a lunch tomorrow with Anderson Cooper? Don't know what to ask him? Then turn to your equally dumbfounded friends at Williamsboard for suggested topics. [Williamsboard]
• Thanks, we think, to a quick rhinoplasty, Ashlee Simpson's nose finally matches that of her sister Jessica. [Cityrag]
• Katie Couric has finally found her Hamptons refuge: a 5,000-square-foot Southampton McMansion. Anyone know the broker? We'd love to see some pics. [NYP]
• Additionally on the matter of brokers, Brownstoner launches Brokerate.com, a simple site where you can rate your experience with the realtors who make your life miserable. [Brokerate]
• Women's fashion mags lead to heartbreak, insecurity, and death. But at least you'll stop eating and be thin. [Coutorture]
• If Madonna wants to open the Grammys, she's going to open the Grammys — even if it means bumping Mariah Carey out of the slot. If these two were to actually brawl it out, the sheer bitchitude of their contact would make the recording industry spontaneously combust. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton impersonator Natalie Reid is so much like the real thing, she even worked as an $800/hr escort. [Page Six]
• Ivanka Trump splits with socialite Bingo Gubelman, citing irreconciable name choices. [Lowdown]
• Ashlee Simpson insists her father's not a control freak — he even lets her shower and shit all by herself. [IOL]
• David Burke tortures Fashion Week models by offering them all sorts of tasty snacks. The cruelty of Bryant Park knows no bounds. [Page Six]
It's been too long since last we heard from Ashlee Simpson, who true to form has rebounded with flying colors from her last public humiliation a curious reversal of the traditional pop star/fan relationship at MTV Japan in that it was she who told them "I love you guys!" before promptly passing out. But journey with us for a moment to the humiliation before that (we know, we know, so many), when a soused Simpson was caught on video hijacking a Toronto McDonald's, and in doing so finally giving those "nice" Canadians an in-your-face dose of what makes America great! In her recent Seventeen cover profile, Simpson addresses the incident:
• We'd like to issue a formal apology to kiddie-chronicler David Amsden: When we saw the cover story for the latest New York mag, which examines the ambisexual teen "movement," we automatically assumed you were the author. But you weren't! We had you all wrong — we thought you automatically got covered that shit. Sorry to misjudge. [NYM]
• Dude, brah, we've got to get us some hot bitches for Sunday. Seriously, yo, I am NOT getting up from the leather sectional to fetch my own Budweiser. [Craigslist]
• Wait, isn't Hayden Christenson gay? [Egotastic]
• Former Page Sixer Ian Spiegelman joins the roman clef party by revealing his desire to shave former co-worker Paula Froelich's head. [Gatecrasher]
• The Oscars suck. Try something more democratic, like the Felixes. [The Felixes]
• Ashlee Simpson is David Lee Roth. Sorry, David. [CityRag]
• Ashlee Simpson is currently in a Tokyo hospital; the popster collapsed yesterday after her MTV Japan performance. The official line will likely be "exhaustion." Yeah, because trying to legitimately squeak out a note or two can really drain a girl. [Us Magazine]
• Did Mort Zuckerman pull the plug on Radar because the magazine refused to halt unflattering coverage of powerful suits like David Pecker and Mike Ovitz? Related: Is water wet? [Page Six]
• At the Church of Scientology's fundraiser for the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project (exhale), Tom Cruise schmoozed while Katie Holmes sang Christmas carols. If that's not a war against Christmas, nothing is. [R&M]
• Vanity Fair refuses to pay the legal fees for columnist Dominick Dunne, who was sued by Gary Condit after suggesting the congressman was responsible for the death of Chandra Levy. Understandably, lending cash to Dunne would've deeply cut into editor Graydon Carter's cigarette budget. [Page Six]
• Perhaps in an effort to make President W. seem normal, former prez Jimmy Carter tells GQ that he once used a woman in a trance to locate a downed plane. [Lowdown]
Ashlee Simpson is no doubt busily scrawling lyrics on every available surface for her next 'thoughts-on-my-most-recent-public-humiliation ballad' ("Unhappy meal/Feelin' small as a McNugget..."), dropping soon at an image-reparative SNL performance near you. But we'll give Simpson bonus points for pluck; never one to let a round of mortifying press get her down, the spunky poptart simply picks herself up by her stylist-selected bootstraps and bravely moves on to the next cringeworthy chapter of her life. An operative reports:
· Care Bear John Lesher leaves Endeavor to run Paramount Classics, hoping what he lacks in experience he can make up for in hugs.
· Ashlee Simpson earns her Doctorate in Public Asshology at a Toronto McDonald's.
· Yo, Trop: You got served! (With a lawsuit claiming racism.) Yo, Omar Sharif: Ditto!
· Warner Bros. lets the pink slips fly on Big Harry Potter Payday Eve.
· Brad Pitt and George Clooney have reportedly bought themselves a little gay bar to call their own, which they subsequently deny, deny, deny.
· A truly frightening Halloween: Bunny Paris hops over to the Playboy Mansion with various things stuck to her ass, as does Jeremy Piven, who also makes an appearance at Rick Rubin's bash dressed as a Bruce Lee with a black-belt in satisfyin' the ladies [SFX: Gong].
· Donald Trump's frank sex-talk causes the Great Baby Draught of 2006.
· Cameron Diaz insists acting-deficient boyfriend Justin Timberlake get a pivotal voice-over role in Shrek 3, causing DreamWorks' Jeffrey Katzenberg to plan a hit.
· Les Moonves blinks CBS News chief Andrew Heyward out of existence, a delayed reaction to the Bush military service report fiasco that also stained Dan Rather's legacy. Replacing him is CBS Sports president Sean McManus, who plans on retooling their flagship broadcast into the more ratings-friendly CBS Evening Point Spreads. [Variety]
· While Peter Jackson is shrinking himself out of existence, his upcoming King Kong is taking the other route and turning into a bloated, 3-hour affair, pushing the budget to $207 million. Universal executives go giant apeshit behind closed doors, but ultimately give in. [Variety]
· Robert De Niro will star in the Barry Levinson-directed What Just Happened?, "based on Art Linson's memoir about his experiences as a Hollywood producer...[T]he filmmakers hope will do for moviemaking what Wag The Dog did for politics." Remember when everything was the 'Wag the Dog' of something else? "It's the Wag the Dog of black, middle-aged female empowerment movies!" [Variety]
· Dreamworks acquires MacArthur Genius Award-winning author Jonathan Lethem's novel As She Climbed Across the Table for a feature adaptation. First studio note: "Let's take some of this genius-stink off Mr. Brainiac's little science project, shall we?" [Variety]
· The record whose title confirmed our darkest fears, Ashlee Simpson's I Am Me hits the Billboard 200 at No. 1, proving once and for all that we are a loyal, forgiving nation of scat enthusiasts. [THR]
· Laguna Beach's teenage-girl-drool-inducer Talan has his eyes set on Hollywood, telling Teen Vogue "I could do a movie if I want to!" Yeah, right, Talan. Like someone's going to put you in some low-budget non-union teen slasher flick, then use Craigslist as their casting director. Shyeah. Whatever, dude.
· LA.comfidential notices a disturbing similarity going on with Fergie and Donald. Let's hope it ends there, and the Don's spawn is the only one who'll need a diaper change anytime soon at Trump manor.
· Lindsay Lohan tells OK! magazine of her recent near-death ordeal, when she was literally being fed through IV drips. And that was at the Geisha House! "I was going through a lot of stuff and overworking and not thinking of my body. I was going through that phase that everyone goes through." This is everyone.
· BLDGBLOG gives us a glimpse into the beyond weird crop-circley big brother world of LA traffic control.
· There's some seriously fishy-assed business going down by the DKNY art department. Either that or we have a Photoshopping Michelangelo in our midst.
· Just as we'd feared, the director of Waiting's feud with Luis Guzman was just a publicity stunt, a ruse, a flim-flam job. If you believed their fight was genuine, you officially have permission to feel used and/or dirty.
· You may no longer bid on Britney Spears' jewel-encrusted bra, but feel free to rummage through her trash in search of disgarded panties, sickie.
· We always thought it would be Gargamel, not UNICEF, who firebombed the Smurf village. We were so smurfin' wrong. [via BoingBoing]
· If Ashlee Simpon's handlers had any sense, they would've staged another lipsyncing incident. Now that she actually performed her song on SNL, people can go back to not giving a shit about her.
· Billy Joel: Furniture polish looks "tastier than bleach."
• Princess Michael of Kent — best known for spewing racist diarrhea all over Da Silvano last year — has now offended Oprah loving housewives around the world, claiming that the late Princess Diana was "nasty" and little more than a "womb." [Page Six]
• Photographer Dave LaChapelle claims that Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are "everything that's wrong with music." Way to go out on a limb there, dude. [Lowdown]
• Great news for The Gays: Pop singer Kylie Minogue has undergone surgery and chemo for breast cancer and, according to sister Danii, is doing well. [IOL]
• Kanye West isn't the only one noting that George Bush is pigementally-challenged. [R&M]
• And, of course, the devastating inadequacy of the federal response to Hurricane Katrina sure does look like a promising project for documentary filmmaker Michael Moore. [Scoop]
• You know what? It's TOTALLY alright that Ashlee Simpson got busted for lip-synching on Saturday Night Live, because now she's singing about it on her new album. Her father Joe says she's baring her soul and, if you don't go buy the CD, he's going to gnaw on your face while Ashlee watches. [Page Six]
• Take a moment and close your eyes; imagine a simpler time, when Tom Cruise was still freaked out by Scientology. [R&M]
• Da Silvano namesake Silvano Marchetto directs his ire towards Robert DeNiro after the actor had his food sent back to the kitchen. Da Silvano not kissing celebrity ass? Has the earth shifted on its axis? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Authorities still can't figure out who's guilty of shooting a photographer with a bb gun after he was found lurking outside of Britney Spears' house. Our theory: K-Fed was at the book depository, but a second gunman was also working from beyond the grassy knoll. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson claims that her breasts are her "accessory." No, sweetie: You're their accessory. [Scoop]
