Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels should have joined the presidential race by this point. Economic conservatives like him, he's beginning to mend fences with social conservatives, his close friend Haley Barbour won't run against him, and most importantly, the D.C. establishment glorifies him as a very serious, fiscally responsible Grown-Up. So what's the hang up? Mostly, he and his wife Cheri don't want to read long exposes about their unique marital history for the next two years. And certain other, shady candidates are trying to exploit this vulnerability and scare him off.

"Like Brett Baier, I know the lyrics of 'Rappers Delight' too." — Sarah Palin on Fox News last night, explaining that while she dislikes the evil rapper Common, she isn't "anti-rap" at all. She knows the first rap song!

Facebook's craftiness has backfired—again. The company just admitted it was behind a shadowy PR effort to plant negative stories about how Google is destroying your privacy.

Imagine blowing through a stop sign, then getting Tasered eight times by cops for it? That's what happened to 43-year-old Allen Kephart in in Blue Jay, California this week. A San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department spokeswoman, Cindy Bachman, told the Los Angeles Times that Kephart was pulled over and "became combative and uncooperative." Then this happened:

As intelligence analysts pore over the stash of documents recovered in the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, a picture of a "micro-manager" is beginning to emerge. For instance, he thought Joe Biden wasn't worth the time or effort to target, but authorized targeting the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and other top military brass. But there's more!

Exciting news, Madofficionados! Yet another chance to own a piece of America's little Ponzi-schemin' dumpling is soon upon us. 58 lots from Bernard Madoff's personal wine cellar — hand-selected, the auction house director tells the NY Post, by someone who was "clearly not a connoisseur" — will hit the auction block next week.

The state of Florida, somewhat famously, finally got around to banning bestiality last week. But, as the blog Southern Fried Science points out, there might be something wrong with the language used in the bill—specifically that it bans sex with "an animal." Did you know that humans are "animals," too?

Bedbugs carrying a drug-resistant MRSA germ have been discovered in Vancouver. It's unclear whether the bedbugs can give the germ to humans—we might have even given it to them—but the story is pretty close to the platonic ideal for public health panics. (Needs more obesity.) It's a fractal of insidious bugs! Zoom in, zoom out, on the micro level, on the macro level: Bugs! A bugaboo of bugs, butt-ugly and bugging us until we bug out.

Erik Wemple was the longtime editor of the Washington City Paper, where he routinely ripped the Washington Post various new assholes, as is the job of any good alt-weekly editor. A little over a year ago, Wemple left the WCP to join TBD.com, the hot new startup that would revolutionize online local news in DC.

What say we check the headlines for a new installation of that old segment, Morons With Signs On Their Lawns, hmm? Let's see here... well look at that, it's a moron with a sign on his lawn! Michael Heick of Amherst, New York — the moron — lives next to a mosque, but can't stand their flashy lights. So the sign he's put on his lawn says, "BOMB MAKING NEXT DRIVEWAY." Take that, fuckers!

The AP reports that Osama bin Laden's hand-written journal was taken in last week's raid, too. It's supposedly "filled with planning ideas and details of operations." That's nice, but more importantly, whom did Osama have a secret crush on?

In the oddly satisfying slow-motion backlash against Groupon, one of the chief objections from business owners is that Groupon takes a hefty cut of the proceeds for doing nothing but selling the coupons, leaving the businesses themselves with all the work and all the risk.

The wretched anti-gay bill that's been bumming around Uganda's parliament since 2009 came perilously close to passage today, the last day of the country's legislative session. This, again, is the one that would jail for life those who participate in "homosexual acts," and also imprison landlords who rent rooms to known homosexuals. The original version of the bill mandated the death penalty for "active homosexuals living with HIV," but that has since been dropped. Still, kind of a rough bill! Good thing they decided to shelve it today.

Though our nation's education system may be poor in money, and in smarts, we are blessed with a vibrant crop of overqualified, idealistic young people who are willing to take on tough, low-paid teaching jobs in order to make a difference in the world. Let's fire them all.

Back in the heady days of 1999, Osama bin Laden found himself juggling the demands of running Al Qaeda with his endless quest for love. So he tasked a young Yemeni cleric, Rashad Mohammed Saeed Ismael, with finding his fifth soulmate. According to Rashad, who spoke with the Guardian, bin Laden described the kind of girl he was looking for:

The CIA will now let select senators view Osama bin Laden's gross death photos "if they wish," Reuters reports. But they'll have to make appointments. Sounds like a hassle. Just look at Sen. Scott Brown's fake photos instead.

Best diet! Paul Pierce! Boxy gyms! Gatti movie! NFL workouts! Seniors exercising! Fitness chore! Discrimination tests! Michelle Obama! And the dangers of manhood! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dashingly!

Some of us naive folk thought that the death of Osama bin Laden, combined with the supposedly crippled state of Al Qaeda in the last few years, might induce political leaders to consider something they've rarely, if ever, considered before: An actual plan to end the War on Terror. Instead, congressional leaders may just fundamentally expand terror-fighting authority to a new high, forever.

What's the latest terrible news from Arizona, America's dirt backyard? Not much has changed, really. People want as many guns as possible, to make up for the lack of jobs and sustainable mortgages, while Steven Seagal rides around in tanks attacking chickens. Also, penis certificates. There's very little to complain about. So leave it to the liberals to not appreciate how good they have it and demand their own state.

Boorish heretical flap-jaw Donald Trump was regularly leading Republican presidential polls about this time last month, mostly by juicing up the birther segment of the GOP electorate.