It is the final, sweetest "fuck you" to America when a fast-food mogul lives a long, healthy life, and passes away at an age that their most ardent patrons could never hope to reach, what with the saturated fats and all. In just the past few years, sausage king Jimmy Dean died at age 81; Taco Bell founder Glen Bell died at 86; Sonic founder Troy Smith died at 87; Hardees founder Wilber Hardee died at 89; Baskin-Robbins founder Irvine Robbins died at 90; Carl's Jr. founder Carl Karcher died at 90; and frozen french fry mogul J.R. Simplot passed on at the ripe old age of 99.

With the stroke of a single attempted rape charge, IMF chief and French political bigwig Dominique Strauss-Kahn has successfully pushed Osama bin Laden out of the top spot in the world's news holes, after more than a week. Here's the very latest morning updates on Strauss-Kahn, a.k.a. "the great seducer."

The body of Jerry William McDonald, a 68-year-old man from Oregon, was discovered by Forest Service rangers on Thursday, tucked inside a sleeping bag in his truck. With him was the homemade calendar on which he chronicled his activities for the nearly 70 days he survived after a heavy snowstorm on Valentine's Day trapped his vehicle just four miles from the nearest town.

Today marked a proud moment in the lives of graduating students and their families at Catholic University. Years of hard work and determination had finally paid off. And then John Boehner rolled in to deliver the commencement speech.

This summer, as the remaining U.S. troops are pulled out of Iraq, we'll be taking some cultural icons with us: Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway and Cinnabon are leaving the country, too. That's right — not only will Iraqis be missing the sight of heavily armed foreign troops and the comforting buzz of Predator drones, but they'll no longer catch a whiff of an oven fresh Meat Lover's® pizza wafting over the concrete blast walls of their local Forward Operating Base. All of the restaurants are scheduled to be pulled out by year's end.

Former singer Michel "Sweet Micky" Martelly was sworn in as Haiti's new president today in a ceremony where, unsurprisingly, the electricity cut out. Sweet Micky has a long road ahead of him.

Today in possible health issues of convenience, professional charity grifter Suzanne Mubarak — wife of deposed Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak — reportedly suffered a "heart attack" and fainted after being told she was to be questioned by the Illicit Gains Authority in connection with the wholesale robbery of Egypt. Funny, because Hosni had a "heart attack" during his first round of questioning. Now that's a coincidence.

So, Michele Bachmann... she is probably just pretending to consider a run for president in order to raise PAC money? But maybe she's serious? We haven't conclusively determined where Bachmann's potential candidacy lands on the fake/real spectrum. But the murmurs are certainly helping her raise cash. And now she's introduced a tiered donation system in her latest email solicitation: $25 bucks for another House run, $50 "or $100" for a presidential run. Checkbooks out, chop chop!

A 60-something year-old British woman went to the supermarket this morning in the town of Arona on the Spanish resort island of Tenerife. That was her last mistake.

Jon Stewart has accepted Bill O'Reilly's offer to debate the terrible scandal about rapper Common reading a poem at the White House. It will air on Monday. This story will be in the news for three more days.

After a nearly month-long hiatus for retooling, the beleaguered Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark Broadway musicale resumed performances last night, and they didn't fuck up once! Well, that's not true. There were a few oopses, but mostly it sounds as though things went smoothly.

For the two or three of you who don't spend every Saturday night watching Fox News already, you'll definitely want to tune in tomorrow evening. Mike Huckabee is teasing a "very important announcement" that he plans to make on his show. The inside bet is that he's pregnant again. But it may also have something to do with that 2012 presidential race that he'd be a frontrunner in.

George W. Bush, fresh off of his personal killing of Osama bin Laden with a golden six-shooter for which he deserves all credit, has finally commented in public about the dead Al Qaeda leader. The old galoot was booked at "a conference of hedge fund managers in Las Vegas" on Wednesday, and while he and the other thousand hookers were putting on their faces for the night, he was able to spare a few quotes.

Manic stock-picking rodeo clown Jim Cramer is a study in lost popularity. When the stock market was roaring, he was funny and loveable; when the economy collapsed, he became a villain, a cartoonish symbol of America's idiocy and excess.

This week, billionaire hedge fund owner Raj Rajaratnam was convicted of insider trading. He faces nearly 20 years in prison. Now, attention turns to Rajaratnam's decision to use his limitless financial resources to hire a pricey counterfeit Johnnie Cochran-esque lawyer.

The rape trial of NYPD officer Kenneth Moreno, accused of raping a drunk East Village woman in her apartment while he was supposed to be, whattayacallit, protecting and serving, is, at the very least, the source of America's greatest storytelling.

One of the hottest conversation topics in Saginaw, Michigan right now is "Wellington's Millions"— the $100 million estate left by dead old lumber baron Wellington Burt, who didn't want any of his immediate descendants to inherit his fortune because he was kind of crazy and vengeful and mean.

When you're in a hole, stop digging. Apple, with its enviable PR, shouldn't need to learn that lesson, but apparently it does—if only to prevent the sort of inaccurate, overreaching Congressional testimony Bud Tribble delivered Tuesday.

The Senate Ethics Committee has uncovered extensive evidence that former Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) and others broke U.S. law by trying to cover up an affair Ensign had with a campaign aide, the wife of one of his top Senate staffers.

Paranoid egoists do everything they can to control the people in their inner circle. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange's tactic is to cajole associates into a blackmail-friendly, $20 million nondisclosure agreement.