Cover Miss Beasley's ears, because this might disturb her: pets simply are not affordable any longer. Dogs, cats—run free! And good luck out there.

An Australian tourist traveling through southern China stumbled upon a small, furry creature trapped inside a cage labeled "koala." For 139 yuan ($22), the animal could be either "braised or stewed" for dinner — just one of many exotic, live options available for your gustatory pleasure at a restaurant in Panya district, Guangdong.

A 21-year-old Oregon woman who crawled inside a horse carcass and had her picture taken—all so she could "feel one with a horse"—will not face any criminal charges, say investigators. Now she can use the photos to design her holiday cards.

To see the image of Charlie — the white carriage horse who dropped dead on 54th Street after weeks of choking on taxi exhaust while transporting Midwesterners to various locations around a park they were incapable of maneuvering through the use of their own, atrophied jelly-legs — was to have your heart break. But the Horse and Carriage Association assured everyone it was just a random death. Nothing to see here, folks! Just a dead horse collapsed over a manhole cover covered in a blue tarp: "Our horses are taken care of," they assured us. Well, the necropsy results, performed by the ASPCA, are in — and Charlie was a very sick horse.

In today's episode of Gatineau 911, Quebecois law enforcement, lights flashing and sirens blaring, manage to surround a cow wandering around the road in a small community near Ottawa. They then fire at it ten times, all of which was captured on video by horrified onlookers.

On October 4th, a stray Beagle mix in an overcrowded animal shelter in Florence, Ala., was loaded into a gas chamber with 18 other dogs marked for death. 21-year-old Cody Berry, the worker assigned this awful task, locked the door, turned a key and pressed a button that releases carbon monoxide into the chamber. He returned later, The Star-Ledger reports, and heard something moving inside the chamber.

All Adam Eubank's brother wanted to do was barbecue a raccoon. He did not intend to get anyone into trouble. But police heard about the raccoon-meal preparations—which took place out in the open, behind their apartment building—and found some buckets of "an unknown material" related to meth-making on the premises. And so the night was ruined.

Slime Killer Hagfish Feasts in Rotten Flesh sounds like a B horror movie from the 1950s, but it's totally not: It's the title of this brand-new New Scientist article on hagfish, which might be the grossest, most disgusting-est fish in the ocean.

According to Wendy Williams and this other lady whose parents must be very proud of her for becoming a "pet fashion stylist," it is very trendy and important to dress your dog up for Halloween because there are a lot of events you both should be attending.

Charla Nash, the Connecticut woman who miraculously survived a vicious attack by her neighbor's pet chimpanzee (his name was Travis!?) back in 2009 but lost her face and hands, has given her first interview since undergoing a face transplant earlier this year. In interviews she gave before her operation, she wore a veil to cover her face. Now she doesn't have to do that anymore, and she's relieved. "I just know that it's okay...and I don't have to worry about scaring anyone," she says during the interview, which the New York Post reports will be shown tonight on Channel 5 in the UK. She says she was "disappointed" that an attempt to replace her hands wasn't successful, but hopes that maybe another try will work out in the future. What a brave and inspiring woman.

A Zimbabwean man was busted on Sunday at 4 a.m. penetrating a donkey tied to a tree in his backyard (with his penis). The man, 28-year-old Sunday Moyo, admitted to the court that it indeed must have looked bad — but hear him out! Because only a few hours earlier, the donkey was a human prostitute.

Isn't it frustrating when some furry cat goes and leaves its hair all your clothes, complicating your efforts to present a cleaner and tidier You? Doesn't it make you want to just, I don't know, murder the cat with a pen, or choke it, or both? No?

PETA has filed a lawsuit charging SeaWorld with violating the 13th Amendment by enslaving killer whales. This could be interesting.

In this helmet-cam vid, a Good Samaritan interrupts his motorbike ride around Gautang, South Africa to save a thoughtless calf who had ingested too many shots of Fernet (or whatever cows drink) during the previous night's "Calves' Night Out" festivities and drunkenly wandered into a canal. The biker's rescue mission requires him to head into the bilge water to save the lanky baby—who starts heading in the opposite direction, mostly because he's embarrassed and doesn't want to be filmed—and use some sort of rope to drag it out of the water. When the calf gets fidgety you'll go, "ugh dumb little asshole cow, stop squirming and cooperate," but then you'll see the pathetic look on its face as it's pulled to dry land and go "aw, I can't curse a calf. It's still learning."

Congratulations, tourists. Your pathetic need to reignite the long-dead flames of your loveless marriages by forcing a sickly, mistreated horse to haul your fat asses around Central Park has resulted in murder.

They are the littlest, furriest, most adorable faces of the Occupy movement; or, as the NYPD sees them, target practice! Now, we can all coo over them over at Awwwccupy Wall Street, a Tumblr devoted to their ongoing crusade against the vast disparity of treats plaguing our nation.

The rogue, herpes-infected monkey who escaped from that exotic animal jail in Zanesville, Ohio—and subsequently ran from the sheriffs who shot up all its friends—was supposedly been eaten by one of the escaped big cats. "It looks like everything is taken care of," a conservationist told CNN. "There was one monkey left, and right now, we found a carcass of the monkey. We don't know if it was eaten." RIP, Last Monkey Standing.

The Taurunga oil spill off the coast of New Zealand unleashed 2,500 barrels of heavy fuel into a fragile ecosystem, coating thousands of local seabirds in oil. This puts many of them — particularly the mind-meltingly adorable Little Blue Penguin — at serious risk of freezing and/or being poisoned to death. We know, we know. After today's news from Ohio, there's only so much animal suffering you can take. But you can actually help, particularly if you know how to knit.

The most exciting thing to happen to Zanesville, Ohio, like, ever has ended in the tragic massacre of dozens of exotic predators, all of whom escaped into heavy rains last night from a local resident's private, 73-acre reserve. With the lifeless body of that man, Terry Thompson (pictured), lying near their open cages, and no arks docked in nearby Lake Erie, it left something of a mystery as to what exactly had happened.

As many as 48 "mature, very big, agressive" exotic animals—including lions, cheetahs, tigers, apes, wolves and bears—have escaped from a Ohio farm whose owner was found dead earlier today. On the bright side, school's been cancelled tomorrow!