[Top 3 "American Idol" contestant David Archuleta with his just slightly overbearing father Jeff, at his homecoming concert in Murray, UT on Friday; image via AP]

Fresh off its intellectualization of The Hills, the New Yorker has turned its attention to this American Idol phenomenon that is so big with the kids (and their parents... and their grandparents). And, hey, guess what America? You can stop text-messaging your votes to the show because it doesn't really matter who wins! What matters is that Americans are learning very important things about music. For example, wrote New Yorker music critic Sasha Frere-Jones, Idol contestant David Archuleta's awful rendition of "Sweet Caroline" taught us to finally respect singer-songwriter Neil Diamond:

If we can rely on American Idol for one thing, it's to witness some of our favorite pop and rock standards get mutilated in increasingly graphic and elaborate ways, like some nubile brunette exchange student wandering unwittingly into an Eli Roth movie. It was Jason Castro who delivered last night's purest moment of armrest-clutching terror, an aural torture in two acts that first required him to channel Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff," apparently as interpreted by a special-needs monkey. Predictably, the performance inspired some extra-vicious critiques from Simon Cowell. (We were a little surprised, however, that none of the take-downs involved the term "dredful," or his envy of the sheriff's sweet, silencing fate.)

Poor beautiful, sweet, perpetually stoned and clueless Jason Castro. The dude is just tired and outta weed. Let him go back to Texas so he can sit in the bed of a pickup truck and look out over Lake Ray Hubbard, smoking a joint, me nestled in his arms... Anyway! I hate to admit it, but I'm beginning to like Syesha. I mean, compared to Archuleta I'd let Randy win the damn thing, so Syesha is fine by me. David Cook is fine and should probably win. And maybe he will! Shrieking teen girls always seem to take their favorites to the final two, but rarely close the deal (Clay, Diana DeGarmo, Kat McPhee). What do you think? Is this the end of ol' Dreadlocks?

Paulagate continues at American Idol, and the LA Times reports today that their readers, for what it's worth, want ol' mishmash mouth off the show. Ever since she fucked up and criticized a performance that, erm, hadn't actually happened yet, people have wanted blood. This comes on the heels of news that the show is looking to change some things around due to slumping ratings. So what's a Nigel Lythgoe to do? Can Lady Gobbledygook? Get a new Ryan? Air the audition rounds as flashbacks? How can Idol be saved??? Take an important poll after the jump.

Goodbye Brooke! It was time, mostly because she was about to climb the rafters and start shooting people or self-immolate on stage. She was obviously going mad, crying at random intervals, looking miserable and desperate when singing. Something vague and undefinable was wrong, like Meryl Streep in The Hours. And whodathunk that Syesha would be the last girl left? The obviously wicked actress has scraped by for a remarkable amount of time. She's like Jasmine Trias, except without all of Haiwaii voting for her. So we stumble ever closer to the boring finale Showdown of the Davids. [EW]

It's true, Paul Abdul pre-judged at least one American Idol contestant before he performed, resulting in her disastrous, embarrassing critique of a song that was not sung and bitter feelings of betrayal on the part of Idol fans everywhere. Abdul straight up, now, told host Ryan Seacrest about the fix on his radio show yesterday, saying she came up with thoughts about a tune during dress rehearsal, and then mistakenly spat them out on the live show two hours later, thinking, somehow, the song had already been sung. More likely, Abdul panicked and hoped for the best amid some very last-minute format changes by show producers that forced her to issue judgement far earlier than expected. Reports the Times:

· This just in! A tensely worded rehashing of Variety's SAG strike doomsaying piece from Monday! Twelve days into things, progress looks "negligible." Need we remind the Powers That Be of that full-page trade ad taken out by George, Tom, Meryl and Bob back in February? For the love of God, Alan Rosenberg! Just. Talk. [Variety]
· The Young & the Restless and Sesame Street lead the Daytime Emmy nominations, though the two long-running series will only face off in one category: Outstanding Performance By An Actor or Math-Obsessed Vampire. [THR]

American Idol judge Paula Abdul—on whom we rely to pull browbeaten contestants into her addled embrace, showering them with slurred words of encouragement—made a gaffe for the ages on last night's all-Neil Diamond-cover show. In her defense, producers made a radical change to the show's familiar format, holding all the judging until after the final five had performed two songs. This introduced a complicated new element to the karoake-appraising procedure: taking notes. But no sooner had Paula accepted her fate, and begun to get the hang of scribbling things like "David C.: Shining star, authentic, love the pants," on an index card, sniveling Idol homeroom Poindexter Ryan Seacrest changed the rules once again, demanding to know where Randy, Paula, and Simon stood on the performances at the half-way mark.

So the violin string finally snapped on American Idol last night, didn't it? It was Neil Diamond night ("I'll smack you in the mouth!") and everyone sang two songs, only getting criticism after everyone had sung their first. But, what happened when they were all lined up? Paula gave the beautiful, disturbingly white-teethed Jason Castro criticism for two songs. She gave very specific (well, as specific as the perpetual stroke victim gets) notes that kind of negated the possibility that it was just a simple "oh, wrong person!" mistake. It leads one to question how spontaneous any of the judges' criticisms are. Is everything set up by producers beforehand? What are we to think of this whole debacle?? Watch the video and tell me what to do. I'm currently lying on the kitchen floor, praying to St. Anthony. Because something's been lost. Also, someone please go punch Archuleta in the face.

Sayesha's going home, right?

One of their big ideas is to streamline the show's early episodes, by beginning in Hollywood and having the long, arduous circus of human meanness and misery that is the audition process only exist in flashback form. While I like the idea of devoting less time to the tedious auditions on principle, I think the show would lose something by not laying the season's narrative out completely linearly. The most exciting thing to watch (think Melinda Doolittle) is someone go from that first audition room all the way to the big stage. Plopping us down in Hollywood right away would feel like cheating.

"Carly Smithson might be the first American Idol contestant to be voted off the show for blasphemy. Online chat boards devoted to American Idol have been abuzz since Ms. Smithson performed the title song from Jesus Christ Superstar - the 1970 rock opera, which many Christians consider offensive - on Tuesday's episode. Ms. Smithson received the fewest votes of the six remaining contestants following her Tuesday performance." [Times]

The American Idol Karaokedome threatened to topple in on itself last night when the six remaining competitors tackled the songs of Andrew Lloyd Webber—the musical equivalent of glucose-fortified pancake syrup, next to which the typical Idol pablum starts looking and sounding like a GWAR concert.

This morning, EW.com theorized about American Idol's Andrew Lloyd Webber night. Who will sing what? Other questions I have: Why Andrew Lloyd Webber? Why not Sondheim? Wouldn't that be great? (David Archuleta sings "Ladies Who Lunch"!!) Most importantly, why am I typing these words?

American Idol's ratings are falling to record lows, and Scott Collins of the Los Angeles Times is all over the reasons why. Collins blames the bloated two-hour charity special, Idol Gives Back; the writer's strike; generic show fatigue; the contestants; the presentation, Facebook; and CBS boss Les Moonves' undercover operatives. But that's the least of it. Here are the four real reasons the Fox talent show has finally lost its opiate-strength hold on America's masses. (Difficulty level: 9).

As we find ourselves winding once again towards the end of another stunning American Idol season—the very fate of the adult-contemporary-radio universe hinging on the name read out by host Ryan Seacrest in the final seconds of its lean, seven-hour finale broadcast—we take a moment to catch up with the some of the also-rans from Idol past. Remember Chris Sligh, Season 6's Guarini-fro'd, Caucasian soul singer? According to Craigslist's Nashville chapter, Sligh will be headlining Thursdays Acoustics for Academics fundraiser at East Cheatham Elementary School in Joelton, TN!

The task of turning five seconds' worth of compelling television—the announcement of the latest American Idol oustee—into an hour of Nielsen-trampling entertainment isn't an easy one. And yet they always seem up to the challenge, employing a wide variety of systematic dehumanization techniques to keep singers on their toes and viewers locked in until the very last moment. Take last night's episode, in which trembling, shaved-koala contestant David Archuleta was made to sit backstage for two full commercial breaks as his brothers and sisters stood in huddled groups on the stage. One was safe, the other at risk of being loaded onto Idol-branded freight trains and transported to a karaoke death camp somewhere in the San Fernando Valley.