We have good news. Strike that—we have unbelievably good news. What's the difference? Unbelievably good news is good news you once thought impossible—like a live-feed from Mars, or Robert Downey Jr. dominating the summer box office. Or Clay Aiken becoming a dad. TMZ reports:

American Idoler and suspected gay Clay Aiken seems to have gotten someone pregnant. Don't freak out, it was an artificial insemination. OK, freak out. Ewww.

Lame lame lame Guitar Hero world tour demo ... Paula Abdul is judge

Barack Obama's campaign for president has raised a staggering $200 million from contributors through the Web, tapping Valley talent like Facebook co-founder Chris Hughes and Mark Gorenberg, a VC with Hummer Winblad. Obama has surpassed fundraising efforts by his primary opponent Hillary Clinton, even though she's raised more money for her campaign than her husband, former President Bill Clinton, ever did in winning an election. And he's doing it under the rules put in place by the Republican candidate, John McCain, under the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform law. You can read all the details in The Atlantic's 5,243-word feature by Joshua Green, but a summary, 98-word paragraph is all you need to read.

· LA Ink star and flaming Star of David tattoo-conceptualizer Kat Von D stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! with her mom and new boyfriend, Nikki Sixx, in tow. Above, she proudly displays the love note Sixx drunkenly etched upon her right shoulder. Oh well—a growling panther head should cover that up nicely. [Jimmy Kimmel Live]

· The pregnant transgendered man has sold his life story, working title Love Makes A Family: A Memoir of Hardship, Healing and an Extraordinary Pregnancy, to St. Martin's Press. We already have some casting ideas for the inevitable movie: No, not Cillian "Peacock" Murphy, he's too obvious. We're thinking Gyllenhaal! (Both of them.) [HuffPo]

· "What happened to that guy?! 'Cause if that guy came back he could totally put it in me." No truer words have ever been spoken, Livejournal user fatherleary. [ONTD]

· Thomas Dekker: The Sashay Chante Chronicles, Part Deux: "You think you own me, left half of my zip-up sweater? Just. You. Watch." [Just Jared]

· Everyone wins on this season's American Idol—even the never-rans: Josiah Leming, the emo kid runaway who lived in his car and saw his dreams smothered by a heartless, Paula-led tribunal, gets signed by freaking Warner Bros. Records. [Reuters]

· After a season of slumping ratings, Idol's finale matched last year's, pulling in an estimated 31.7 million viewers—roughly the same number of people who revisited their own gag reflexes upon hearing Mike Myers's pedophilic suggestion the David Archuleta would soon sprout "hair in weird and wonderful places." [Variety]
· We mourn the death of the once great and mighty television movie with news that the Tiffany network is "dumping" two long-completed examples of the genre—Mary-Louise Parker in Vinegar Hill and a Jessica Lange-starring remake of Sybil—in the Saturday night TV burial ground. RIP CBS MOW. [Variety]

Where to even begin with last night's American Idol Results Show Grand Finale Spectacular? While it may not have provided the knee-buckling rush of emotion that accompanies a shot of a moist-eyed David Hasselhoff witnessing the coronation of his prematurely graying Soul King, there were more than a few unmistakable moments of true poignancy: from George Michael's haunting "Praying For Time," to David Cook's landslide victory lap, to the Jonas Brothers' heartfelt plea on behalf of the Aging Sibling Pop Star Fund, with every dollar pledged earmarked for famine-relief among surviving members of The Jets, DeBarge, Hanson, and the like.

Well, in the end it goes to Cook in a landslide. I am surprised! I thought the squealing masses of girls and soft dulcet tones of Archie's "Imagine" repeat on Tuesday night would win over middle ground voters who might have found Cook to be too edgy. But no, in a 12 million vote landslide, our combovered pal from Kansas City tearily took the crown and Simon and company rejoiced. I guess 19 and the judges were behind Cook all along. Perhaps the over the top Archie plaudits were just a calculated bait and switch. Or maybe there's nothing so cynical about American Idol after all. Good for Cook. Instant fame! Who else has won grand television prizes this year, on shows like America's Next Top Model and Project Runway? After the jump, take a tour through this year in winning things, starting, of course, with Mr. Cook.

American Idol judges made it clear they were no fans of finalist David Cook after final performances Tuesday night, and that may have been what put the emo rocker over the top on Wednesday. Said the Times, "the talk on the red carpet before Wednesday's program was that perhaps the judge's overwhelming favoritism for Mr. Archuleta drove Mr. Cook's supporters to vote in waves." Acidic judge Simon Cowell went so far as to apologize to the newly-crowned winner, saying his evaluation of of Cook Tuesday was "verging on disrespectful." Heaven forbid! Despite the judges' contrition, this is all very convenient for them. The judges were under heavy criticism for staging and pre-crafting their opinions starting a few weeks ago, after Paula Abdul's infamous and obviously-canned comments about a performance she never saw. Cook's victory in the face of the judges' doubts makes them seem a little less threatening and powerful, and their conniving less harmful. UPDATE: After the jump, video of Cook in an ad that aired Wednesday night, dancing in his underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business and thus foretelling very healthy emotional and career arcs.

Last night, we were finally treated to the David vs. David karoake Idol deathmatch that seemed such an inevitability for weeks now. You could practically smell the tension hanging over the Nokia Theater—a potent combination of baby powder, cherry-flavored lozenges, and young testosterone—as both worthy competitors took to the stage for a championship face-off that relied heavily upon boxing metaphor. (Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was cast in the role of Mickey Goldmill, bandaging Archuleta's busted eye between songs as he implored the little belter to, "Keep hittin'em in the ribs ya see? Don't let that bastard breathe!")

· Who can turn the world on with her adorable The Mary Tyler Moore Show set remembrances on Oprah today? Betty White, that's who! [Oprah]
· The C&Ds are flying fast and furious with these photos of Bruno ambushing fellow Austrian Gov. Schwarzenegger, but /Film seems to still have them up as of post time. [/Film]
· David Archuleta's voice coach explains for Utah's Fox news affiliate how the show's producers have systematically rigged it so that David Cook would trample the little shaved-koala's skull in the voting. Also, disconcertingly bedentured producer Nigel Lythgoe told Ryan Seacrest that the "biggest star in the world" would be performing on the finale. OMG! Jesus! We hope he takes the wheel! (Lolz.) [MyFoxUtah, mjsbigblog.com]
· Didn't spend the heat wave on a beach with Jake and Reese, but wish you had? Now you can! [celebrity-gossip.net]
· Loni Anderson married Bob Fleck, a folk singer who would never get any WKRP airplay, in Bel Air yesterday. [AP]

In a video testimonial posted this weekend to YouTube (do you call something that runs at 1 frame-per-second a "video," or just a really fast slide show?), American Idol contestant Danny Noriega—who before a premature ouster ushered in such hot-tranny-fierce-messisms as "TMTH: too much too handle," "ish," "mmm-hm," and, most notably, "SOME people weren't LIKIN' it," (accompanied by a whiplash-inducing neck-swivel)—revealed that he hasn't so much as received a ticket to attend any portion of this week's two-part, all-David finale.

On last night's splendiferous, Sayesha-ejecting American Idol results show—like nasty walnut chunks in maple ice cream, she was utterly ruining our pure, David-savoring experience—third season Idol winner Fantasia Barrino stopped by the Karoakedome to perform. And yet "perform" seems not quite the sufficient term in this instance—rather, she seemed literally belched from some fiery, subterranean afterworld miles beneath CBS Television City, accompanied by a chorus of winged backup-demons. The audience—many of whom were still enjoying the pleasant, torpor-inducing effects of David Archuleta singing about "fishes in the ocean"—reacted as though they had just been smacked against the side of the head with a hooker's club foot.

Well, that was inevitable, huh? While there may have been a glimmer of a chance that the almost-sort-of likable Syesha could claw her way into the final two, it certainly came as no big surprise to find that she did not, in fact, pull it off. The David on David finale that the producers have been blatantly gunning for has come to fruition and it is going to be boring. Because I don't like either of them. I'd rather see a dust mop win than the breathy, floppy-faced Archuleta, but Cook has been increasingly annoying too, with his repetitive "start soft than go biiiiig" motif and his odd, fake-humble bows to the audience. But all that blah blah aside, the truly important part of last night was previous Idol winner Fantasia Barrino's absolutely batshit insane, chicken dancing, terribly-fun-to-watch, voodoo ritual of a performance. Simon was shocked! Archuleta looked like he was going to faint! Even if you're not a fan of the show, it's worth a watch, after the jump.

"American Idol, the most popular show on television, will be back on Fox next year." Did anyone actually think it would get cancelled? [Times]

On last night's anything-goes American Idol semi-finale, the remaining contestants—living headshot Syesha Mercado, crowd-pleasing cheese-rocker David Cook, and 400 lb.-black-woman-in-the-body-of-a-Mormon-twink David Archuleta—were to sing three songs: one selected by a judge, one by a star-chamber of Idol producers, and one of their own choosing. Big-hearted, coordination-challenged youngster Archuleta—the Tiny Tim of this year's proceedings—God-blessed-us every one before tossing aside his crutch (that would be his overbearing, rehearsal-banned father) and launching into Chris Brown's "With You."

Hey, what is the damn matter with American Idol? Not only has the show been slow and predictable this season (what with inevitable David-on-David finales, dependable judge insanity/obvious favoritism, and Ryan Seacrest bon mots) but it's also getting some of the lowest ratings in its illustrious seven year history. What's going on here? Has America's Favorite Television Show Ever gotten old and increasingly not worth watching? In a word, yes. Simon Cowell thinks this season has been "too safe." Which is, OK, sound logic. Sure it's been safe, but isn't Cowell part of that problem? The judging segments are increasingly canned and repetitive, and showing obvious signs of producer string-pulling. The whole affair is too planned out and scripted. Some would say that, like high-waisted pants or wariness of ethnic people, this is just a sign that the show is twilight years. But, I disagree. I think Idol could last forever. It just needs to make a few changes to get itself back on course.

David Archuleta's father Jeff, often accused of being a crazed stage dad, has been asked not to participate in song choosing and other backstage activities. EW.com interviewed Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe today, and he stated that the show runners just "want David to be able to be free like everybody else to get on and do what they want to do." Fair enough. Also he probably added, off the record of course, that Jeff threatened to lock poor Archie in the crawl space back home in Utah if he didn't sing at least seven runs in the course of each performance. That poor little gremlin. (Also, will Syesha put up a good enough fight tonight, or are will still marching inexorably toward a David vs. David finale?)