Last night's American Idol reject, Kristy Lee Cook, is engaged. Well, good for her. I had kind of started to like the dull twanger, but I'm sure I'll forget her name by next week. Someone said "Amanda Overmeyer" to me yesterday and I had no idea who they were talking about. I guess that's just how it goes.
There were plenty of noteworthy moments from last night's American Idol Tribute to the Many Songs and Slutty Looks of Mariah Carey, from David Cook's soundtrack-ready, grungemo rendition of "Always Be My Baby," to a stirring performance of ''When You Believe" by a leather bepanted David Archuleta (who could have just as easily located the spiritually redeeming undercurrent to the "shoe do do do do do do do/shoe do do do do do do yeahs" of "Fantasy"). But the most thrilling development, for us at least, came not from the stage, but rather the judge's table, shortly before Randy Jackson was called upon to apply his highly attuned pitchydar to Carly Smithson's take on "Without You."
So everyone was pretty good on American Idol last night, right? I mean, except for David Cook who's such a smug piece of shit he should just go cram it with walnuts. Oh, and Archuleta. Get rid of him. But everyone else! Yay! Am I crazy to think that the best, most exciting part of this season has been watching Kristy Lee Cook increasingly not suck? It'd be a shame if she went home tonight. Especially since the wicked Syesha still prowls the stage, hunting for her next victim. What did you think of last night? Wasn't Mariah Carey surprisingly lucid and helpful? Emancipation indeed!
Teri Hatcher has admitted that her performance on last night's Idol Gives Back was "nerve-wracking," and we couldn't agree more. Watching the bat-faced Housewife dry hump the mic stand and hearing her attempt to carry a damaged woman tune about men and how they love to cheat was a very painful experience. Though her DH co-star James Denton is eager to remind us that Hatcher once performed in Cabaret, we're eager to remind him that the likes of Ashley Parker Angel and Joey Fatone have too. As Teri proved last night, Broadway experience does not a talented singer make.
So American Idol's "Idol Gives Back" charity masturbathon aired last night. If you didn't watch it, it means you hate Africa. And children. Many, many important celebrities showed up to do their part. Bono traveled to Africa to speak with people affected by the AIDS pandemic and bloomed beautifully into twee little Irishman. Robin Williams continued to plunge comedy's toilet with his Oscar. Teri Hatcher warbled her way through that trashy Carrie Underwood song about cheatin'. Brad Pitt got touched by an adorable little stagehand. Oh, and millions and millions of dollars were raised for charities around the world. So I guess that's good!
See Brad Pitt! See Miley Cyrus! See Mariah Carey! Apparently the only thing you can't see at "Idol Gives Back" are last year's accounting records. For the past month, Fox has blasted viewers with constant reminders that last year's American Idol charity show pulled in $76 million. Yet, according to the New York Times, less than half of this money has actually been distributed to the nine charities involved and, "Some $5 million of last year's proceeds and interest remains undistributed."
So, goodbye Ramiele, huh? It was about time. The girl who started out as one of my favorites (one of those "dark horses" people like to talk about), quickly fizzled out and got lost in a sea of better, clearer voices. It was sad to see the perpetual crier cry for herself, but her closing rendition of "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind" was a decent enough send-off. Why is it that people always sound better once they're voted off? Cathartic singing? A lack of nerves? Whatever it is, we'll be seeing you Ramiele (or, I mean, I won't because I don't go to concerts) on the tour.
Were you as excited for Dolly Parton week as I was? And then, as you watched everyone warble their way through her classic songs, did you think "Why do I do this to myself every week?" Jason Castro sounded nice with his little guitar and perfect, pearly white teeth... Carly sounded pleasant but boring as ever. David Cook continued to rankle and is apparently a GIANT. At least compared to Ryan Seacrest. That dude must be tiny. Who's going home? Will it be the forever-struggling for votes because she's obviously a complete monster Syesha? Or perhaps the continually sinking Ramiele? Nah. My vote's on Carly. She's very talented, yes, but too unexciting, old, and Irish for this debacle. If she can act at all, she should get her arse over to the West End posthaste. After the jump, watch ol' Carly's performance.
I know everyone hates American Idol, but I have to mention this. Was David Cook's emo "Billie Jean" performance good? Having had some grape juice, I was really into it last night. But this morning it seems a bit overdone and, I'm just learning, is apparently not new at all, but rather an old Chris Cornell arrangement. My viewing partner and I (she in Boston, me in Brooklyn) both agree that he's smug and has bad hair, but he sounded great, right? Tell me what to think. (Though, I do know that no one on Idol should ever be called "brave." Of this I am certain.)
What would happen if you made a gorgeous mesh of Larry King, Regis Philbin, Oprah Winfrey, Dick Clark and Rupert Murdoch? Other than having one hell of a botox bill on your hands, you'd have the burgeoning boy wonder that is Ryan Seacrest. After years spent being bullied by the media (for being quasi-femme, for "dating" Teri Hatcher) and Simon Cowell (for being "yappy little chihuahua"), he is now being applauded for his ambitions to become "the Dick Clark, Larry King and Merv Griffin for a new generation." But how did the Chicklet-toothed boy from Atlanta who used to make Casey Kasem videos in his bedroom at the age of 8 manage to (gulp) win us over?
· Wearer of the Kardashian pants Bruce Jenner came face-to-face with his gay fanbase on Keeping Up With The Kardashians last night, when a server at The Abbey instantly recognized him as the star of Can't Stop the Music. (Imagine if Steve Guttenberg and The Village People happened to be strolling by at that moment. They could have staged a revival!) [KUWTK]
· Fred Thompson's White House-shot ends with the actor returning to Hollywood and signing with WMA, who'll handle all his TV, theatrical, and unsuccessful presidential bids from now on. [Reuters]
· Beatboxing Idol runner-up Blake Lewis thinks little David Archuleta is "boring." He also thinks David Cook is an arrangement-stealing poser. He basically hates everyone except Chikezie, who he doesn't think will win. And he doesn't watch the show—never has. Yup, that about covers all the Simon-hand-biting he could cram into this one soundbite. [rickery.org via Idolator]
· We didn't catch Make Me A Supermodel this week, but apparently Perry really excelled at the Do Your Best Jared Leto As A Hot Tranny Mess Challenge. [DListed]
· Introducing the Paris Hilton Shoe Collection. All styles available in sizes 11-14, only. [endless.com via ONTD]
· A casting notice for Cillian Murphy/Ellen Page drama Peacock, in which Murphy plays a split-personality husband and wife, features several sides from the script dubbed "fucking brilliant" by Defamer editor-at-large, Mark Lisanti. [pmscasting.com]
There's more than just a sullen face—or is that a come-hither stare?—separating the Ryan Seacrest you know and love from the one looking back at you on the cover of the current Details. In the tradition of everyone's favorite happy hour touch-screen time-killer, we now invite you to Spot the Six Enhanced Differences in the above two photos of the beloved showbiz ubiquity. Feel free to leave your guesses in the comments. The answers (four easy and two for expert competitors only) are after the jump:
· All it takes is some speed metal and a blowdryer to transform this mild-mannered terrier into the wire-haired Knight in Satan's Service he truly is. [Break.com]
· The biggest breakout star of American Idol's sixth season—Crying Girl—is back! And she's brought her thoughts about Season 7 with her. (Preview: It isn't as good.) [LAT]
· Tobey Maguire is a strong believer in allowing one's infant child to pick up on the whole walking thing on their own, even if that means spending the first few years of their lives face down in a shag carpet. [Popbitch via Wendywayrad]
· "'I've been a fan of One Life to Live since I was a baby,' said Snoop." [USA Today]
· Not On Our Watch, co-founded by George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, has given $500,000 to the United Nations World Food Program, but since it wasn't presented in the form of a giant check on The Oprah Winfrey Show, it took a couple days for you to find out about it. [Reuters]
· Well, who in their right minds wouldn't want Sanjaya to be the celebrity of honor at their Bat Mitzvah? Still, we hear he's pretty overbooked, and makes you pay for the hair appointment, so you might want to settle for one of this year's castoffs. What about the creepy dude who sang "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go?" He's probably not doing anything. [TRL]
· Here's what $4,300 of N.Y. Governor dollars gets you two hours with: some Alicia Keys wannabe with a MySpace page. Sigh. Remember when high-classed hookers didn't shamelessly whore themselves out like that? [MySpace]
· David Archuleta's atrociously dressed father is reportedly the stage dad from hell, making his son cry at rehearsal, and banned once from the Star Search set for harassing another contestant. [etonline]
· The final book in the Harry Potter series will be split into two separate movies. That reminds us...wonder how Gay Dumbledore is doing? Yup—still gay. [LAT]
· Seems like the Pixar Man just likes to keep a good, CGI-directing brother down. [LAT]
· The Tokyo Auto Show unveils revolutionary, toddler-pee-powered Ferraris. They really need to be seen to be believed! [Jalopnik]
To say that David Archuleta arrived at the Idol Thunderdome last night carrying with him the judges' raised expectations is akin to saying the Magi had high hopes for that Nazareth kid over at the Ye Bethlehem Inn. He was, as Simon Cowell pronounced in the second week of competition, "the one to beat"—as good a coronation of Saviordom as any. His myth quickly grew: Animated woodland critters would suddenly appear every time he opened his mouth to sing...His voice could heal the lame, bringing to his feet scores of girls afflicted with a rare condition that rendered them incapable of lowering their arms...His farts smelled like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. But anyone watching could immediately tell that something was not right:
When we first saw this graph of the recording history of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah", we thought, a) god almighty everyone needs to stop covering "Hallelujah", and b) everyone really needs to stop graphing songs. It was all worth it though for this Kottke guest-blogger post, which perfectly encapsulates the blinkered triumphalism of the boutique bloggers. You see, a half-dozen random bloggers were all pretty sure that their posts on this graph launched Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" cover to number one on iTunes—until their one friend who watches TV pointed out that an American Idol contestant sang it last week. [Kottke]
