Sunday's LAT profiled "Jay the Writer" (and yes, we realize that we're quoted in the story—obsessively Googling ourselves sometimes turns up nuggets unrelated to Linday Lohan's breasts), the adorably deluded, aspiring screenwriter who's spent "$75,000 to $100,000" trying to find out if renting billboard space near studios makes him seem like a genius of self-promotion or, in the words of one nameless agent, "retarded":
Defamer is committed to bringing together frustrated screenwriters with free time on their hands and agents willing to get a good working over. From Craiglist:
Variety is reporting that Drew Barrymore has dumped Endeavor agent Patrick Whitesell for another go-around with the folks at CAA. Wow, this has been a really rough patch for Whitesell and Endeavor, who lost Jennifer Lopez last week. What's going on over there? Did Whitesell mistakenly forward an e-mail about which of his clients' big asses were costing them work to everyone in his address book? While he's doing a B.O. check and wondering what's driving away his A-list ladies, here's another important question that he and Agent Dance patron saint Ari Emanuel (pictured) can ponder: What do they need to do to get rid of Ben Affleck?
· A&E wins the bidding war with TNT for Sopranos basic cable reruns, ponying up $2.5 million an episode. They pledge to "preserve the integrity of the show" while presumably editing out much of the nudity and violence, i.e., the good parts. [Variety]
· Everybody Loves Raymond's Patricia Heaton signs a development deal with ABC and Touchstone TV, who will immediately try and shoehorn her into a sitcom where she plays a sassy wife who must endure the antics of a schlubby husband. [THR]
· Disney is financially propped up by ESPN and theme parks, while home video revenues head toilet-ward. Hey, why don't they try convincing that Eisner guy to step down or something? [Variety]
· Medium continues to beat up on its mostly-rerun competition, giving NBC a win on the 18-49 demographic, [THR]
· Agent Dance Mini Edition: 23-year William Morris TV veteran Steve Glick dumps WMA for the greener ten-percent pastures of ICM. [Variety]
First-class-flying Hollywood types, you are warned: If you find yourself on the same flight as CAA agent Josh Lieberman and you desperately need to sleep or get some work done, you might want to beg your way back into the plebe cabin. Page Six reveals Lieberman's log-sawing problem:
Agents and free festival booze are a recipe for certain disaster. Enjoy this breakdown of their drunken antics at Sundance, courtesy of Page Six:
We saw this on the front page of the Courthouse News Service website last night, but it's off the front page. Luckily, we took a screen grab before it disappeared. Is Connolly scamming his agents? You get one role as the only non-retarded toady on Entourage, start dating Nicky Hilton, and all of the sudden you're hiding your agent's cut in a hollowed-out head of lettuce in the fridge? Fame is funny that way. There's only one solution for the actor and his aggrieved representation: Hug it out, bitches.
· Steven Spielberg is finally moving ahead with his Abraham Lincoln biopic, entering into talks with Liam Neeson to star. Hey, he may not be American, but he's tall and he's already comfortable with the gay stuff after doing Kinsey. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· ABC co-savior J.J. Abrams can do it all (except make us care about Alias). He'll direct The Good Sailor, about the sinking of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, for Universal. [THR]
· Co-head of CAA motion picture lit department Josh Donen bolts CAA to set up a production company with Sam Raimi at Sony. It's always a little sad when an agent gives up "the life." [THR]
· Billionaire producer Steve Bing buys his way into the director's chair, setting up a gig directing Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins in Harry and the Butler. Once you've had Nicole Kidman and Liz Hurley, you think you can do anything. [Variety]
· Cinematographers nominate The Passion of the Christ for their yearly awards, regonizing the film's achievement of making Christ's beatings look absolutely breathtaking. [THR]
We apologize if we're spoiling anyone's breakfast burrito by discussing movement in the world of agents this early, but UTA bigshot Adam Isaacs has bolted the agency for the chum-rich waters of Endeavor's shark tank. In classic agent defection style, he's hiding most of his clients (including Kiera Knightley, Matt LeBlanc, and Helena Bonham Carter) under his coat and running for daylight. You can't see Official Agent Dance mascot/Endeavor partner Ari Emanuel's hands in his picture, but he's applying "the shocker" to a stuffed moose toy wearing a tiny UTA t-shirt and cackling with delight.
Today's LAT says that Hollywood's efforts to offer disaster relief are getting off to a disorganized start, but it's obvious that the tsunami's devastation has touched the entertainment industry in the soft places it didn't even knew it had. Look, even agents are suddenly growing hearts:
· Lindsay Lohan dumps Endeavor for CAA, who apparently provided her with a much more comprehensive strategy for the further marketing of her assets. Which is no mean feat, considering that Endeavor snagged her $3.5 million per breast from 20th Century Fox. [THR]
· HBO is on the verge of becoming the first network in history to top a billion dollars in profit. And all of this success without Good Morning Miami, Complete Savages, or Center of the Universe. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· For all of those kids who missed out on the whole Matrix thing: An upcoming Constantine videogame will allow players to feel the virtual "Whoa" of becoming Keanu Reeves. [THR]
· Please forgive us, but we must: Uma, Ulla. Ulla,Uma. Etc etc. (Oh, we feel so very unclean.) Uma Thurman may take over for Nicole Kidman in the film version of The Producers. [Variety]
· ESPN is developing a made-for-TV movie about legendary boxer Jack Johnson. Folly! How will they ever top Tom Sizemore's epic turn in Hu$tle? [THR]
Whether you blame fallout from the Ovitz trial, new corporate crackdowns on irresponsible spending, or Tom Cruise's wishes to further enrich the Church of Scientology, holiday swag levels are down (and bitching about reduced gift-giving is up in direct proportion). Whatever the reason, no one in Hollywood wants to admit to getting cheap as Christmas approaches. Notes Variety:
· Both THR and Variety break down the "changing of the guard" at William Morris. Other terms used to describe the changes: shake-up, culture war, overhaul. Sadly, neither paper went for "bloodletting" or "board room massacre." [THR, Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind halts the Sideways juggernaut by being named best picture by the D.C. film critics. We may have to abandon our persecution complex if movies we loved continue to win awards.
· Writers' assistant Larry Reitzer lives the dream, selling a pilot script to ABC. Naturally, his boss of four years is cut in on the deal. [THR]
· Warner Bros. options the movie rights to a short story about a guy who uses math equations to make his girlfriend commit. You heard it here first: Nerds are going to be huge in '05. [Variety]
· The second season Apprentice finale comes nowhere near the ratings numbers of the first, but does well enough to ensure that the Donald will be boring us with two- and three-hour specials in the future. [THR]
Breaking news from the William Morris board room: We've heard that an e-mail this morning informed the WMA staff that board members Sam Haskell and Richard Rosenberg are on their way out. Looks like they lost the intramural culture war that Nikki Finke reported on last week. But hey, nothing can wipe that smile off the face of official The Agent Dance mascot Ari Emanuel! As we say when we're short on details, developing...
While the Directors Guild and the Writers Guild have already tasted the back of the studios' collective bargaining hand when they asked for a bigger cut of DVD cash, the Screen Actors Guild is still hoping their current talks will shake some more home video money out of the producers sitting across the negotiating table. But they're not going to do any better than the DGA and WGA if their negotiating position is ruined by agents bragging that their A-list clients are already making fuck-you money from DVDs, and don't need to be bothered by piddling matters like a strike over residuals:
The LAW's Nikki Finke devotes this week's column to some inside baseball at William Morris, where 40-and-50-something Young Turks are trying to inject some life into the dinosaur agency. Among the insurgents is CEO Jim Wiatt, whose rise from humble "son of a clothing magnate" to humble servant of Holylwood talent is mercifully condensed into a few lines:
Last night's episode of The O.C. featured the clever name-dropping of several Endeavor employees, as "favorite" physics teacher Ari Greenburg (agent) asked whether students Adriana Alberghetti and Phil Raskind (agent, agent) were in attendance at an AP science class. (Endeavor, of course, packages the show.) As hard as the gang at The O.C. might try to make these handjobs seem funny or ironic (we know this sort of thing happens on TV all the time), at the end of the day someone's still got an agent's dick* in their hand.
No agents are actually moving anywhere in this installment of The Agent Dance (at least not yet!), but we relish any opportunity to put Ari Emanuel's smiling face next to a story about an agent fight that he had no part in. Page Six gives the blow-by-blow of a dust-up between ICM power player Carol Bodie and ten-percenter underling Jim Osborne:
