The Smoking Gun has gotten its paws on Newt Gingrich's Washington Speakers Bureau contract, replete with all of his pampered demands. For each speaking gig, he wants a nice hotel, first class plane ticket, check for $50,750 — the usual. But there's one item that stands out as appropriately idiosyncratic: His demand for two bathrooms, in a one-bedroom suite. This is his most profound idea yet.
Former Total Request Live with Carson Daly mainstay Korn, a band that you — yes, you — used to love, has discovered the truth that few of the band members' Hollywood friends care to admit: Obama and his "illuminati" minions have turned this country into a "house of shame." Hmm. They must be Romney men, through and through.
Despite tracking at 1% or less in many polls, Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman remains in the race. He hopes to get a boost this week from an assault of new pro-Huntsman TV ads airing in New Hampshire, paid for by a Super PAC, that was funded in part by Huntsman's billionaire father. Huntsman may seem like a daddy's boy now, but as Stephen Colbert explained (and the showed) on tonight's Report, things could be much worse.
It turns out that Newt Gingrich has been annoying the public with his many trillion half-baked ideas — remember that he is, fundamentally, an Ideas Man, in the fundamental sense — since 1954. He was an 11-year-old boy, and he and his "buddies" had a grand vision: to throw some animals in a park and call it a zoo.
Think about it, a little more: Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. It wasn't the best year for recruiters of Republican presidential candidates. And now that the deadline has passed in most early states to get on the primary ballot, there's no chance for anyone else to jump in. Unless the incompetent rich Republican donors "pull some strings," or whatever it is that the rich do in emergencies.
Even though Jon Stewart thinks the Donald Trump-moderated Republican debate will be the best one ever, many others are less excited about it. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert added himself to the list of naysayers. Colbert then announced his own debate—"Stephen Colbert's South Carolina Serious, Classy Republican Debate"—which he plans to moderate sometime in January. Of course, Colbert's announcement could just be a joke. Then again, he's proven before that he'll do pretty much anything in the name of comedy.
Mitt Romney plans on seducing a roomful of Jewish conservatives Wednesday at the Republican Jewish Coalition's
On Friday, the conservative website Newsmax announced it would hold a Republican presidential debate on December 27, moderated by none other than Donald Trump. Only Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have so far accepted the invitation, with Jon Huntsman and Mitt Romney refusing it—even Karl Rove doesn't like the idea! But you know who is excited about the prospect of a Trump Debate? Jon Stewart, as he explained on tonight's Daily Show.
Keep in mind is that Donald Trump has already won. He got the opportunity to moderate a presidential debate right before primary season, and two candidates have already accepted. To get even one candidate to accept an invitation to something so blindingly stupid and farcical would've been a once-in-a-generation political feat. Nevertheless, it's possible that the final head count may stop at two debaters, leaving the debate well short of maximum comedic capacity.
Being a carefree Republican gasbag isn't always as fun as it seems. All they want to do is call President Obama the worst names and insult his heritage. And yet personally attacking the president, as Republican strategists said in what was supposed to be a private conference call today, would seriously turn off the many swing voters needed to win a general election. Having to build majority coalitions on a national scale just takes the joy out of life, doesn't it?
Professional troll Herman Cain announced he was suspending his presidential campaign on Saturday after weeks of sexual harassment/affair allegations proved too much for the simpleton to ever effectively deny on television. So on tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart sent Cain off in style by mocking pretty much every element of his farewell address.
What flavor of eternal hatred for Mitt Romney are Republican primary voters trying out this week? He's not merely a liar, an opportunist, a socialist, and a member of the Utahan Space Jesus cult anymore. Now he's also the dad who went out for cigarettes and never came back, or did come back, only to ignore you.
We still can't quite wrap our heads around this after a full hour of staring at the wall, and crying, so let's see if the simple act of typing it out helps: Donald Trump, after meeting with child-labor zealot Newt Gingrich this morning, has announced a plan to hire at least 10 poor children as "apprenti." This development is about as surreal as the phrases "2012 Republican presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich" and "2012 Republican debate moderator Donald Trump." Are we completely untethered, now? Have things come undone?
"What's it like to have sex with Herman Cain?" is one of the key unanswered questions of the 2012 presidential race. And now, thanks to former mistress Ginger White, we have an idea: Sex with Herman Cain is boring. And a little bit emotionally weird.
Here, courtesy of old Romney clip digger-upper Andrew Kaczynski, is Mitt Romney describing to a group of uninterested old Iowa ladies at the 2004 Republican convention the phenomenon of John Kerry's flip-flopping. It's an excellent briefer on how competent politicians can end up flip-flopping. Thanks, Mitt Romney!
Hyperactive pepperoni stick Herman Cain just emerged from his big-ass tour bus, theme song playing and teensy wife by his side, to take to a rental podium and announce that he's suspending his presidential campaign. You all distracted him with your accusations about affairs and leg-touching moments too much!
Earlier this year when potential Republican presidential candidates were deciding whether to run, you'd hear a common excuse from those who chose not to: My wife didn't want me to!
