Rick Perry's latest ad, "American Story," starts off with a good concept: It eliminates "Rick Perry" from the ad altogether, instead leaving things to his wife, Anita. She tells us about their early years, like when Rick Perry joined the Air Force and "flew planes all over the world." Okay, fine. But then, around, :24, her husband makes his entrance. Nay — he makes the campaign ad entrance of the year, hopping onto a ledge. Oh my God. [Standing ovation.]

Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has dropped out of the Republican presidential race. He rarely ever polled above 8 — people, not percentage points. He made a popular Rush Limbaugh joke about doggie poop during one of the two debates in which he appeared. He took his shirt off for the papers and rode a bike. He courted pagans, online gamblers, and other knaves. And now he will run for the Libertarian party nomination, and maybe decide the presidential election.

Blabbering corpuscle Newt Gingrich told a gay man in Iowa yesterday that he'd rather have gay people just vote for Barack Obama than show the gay community any support. Don't worry, Newt, no one is going to vote for you anyway.

Alright, it was cute when Republican base trolled us with the Trump, Bachmann, Perry, and Cain surges and collapses (surglapses, we'll call them, or perhaps anti-boners), but throwing Newt Gingrich onto the heap of other Potemkin candidates after he was leading by 20 points everywhere like a week ago, this late in the process, is cruel.

Yesterday we brought you the story of Glen Maxey, the gay former Texas legislator who wrote a book recounting his work with an unnamed reporter for an unnamed news outlet to document Rick Perry's homosexual dalliances. According to Politico, that news outlet was none other than the Huffington Post.

Tonight is that most important of nights for Iowa Republicans: Their final chance to see our beloved field of Republican presidential candidates say the same things they say in every debate. But will they say these things differently? Who will fuck up most comically? Go soak that tampon in grain alcohol, put on a fresh pair of pants, and let's find out — together.

There's another Fox News GOP debate in Iowa tonight? Let's make silly jokes about it for two hours! The Gawker Political Desk's coverage will start at 9:00. Until then, we'll be stocking up on chemicals to huff.

Glen Maxey, the first openly gay member of the Texas State Legislature and longtime Democratic activist, spent most of last summer helping a reporter for a "national news outlet" nail down persistent rumors of Rick Perry's sexual relationships with men. The story got killed. So Maxey has published an e-book laying out the evidence. Among the charges: Rick Perry has a small dick.

Hot out of the inbox, from Friends of Christine O'Donnell: "Christine O'Donnell to announce her 2012 GOP Presidential Endorsement tonight." The famed Delawarean anti-onanist will announce this on one of those cable television shows. Sorry to whoever gets endorsed!

After every Republican presidential candidate except Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum dropped out of his debate, chronic mango-lacquered television ailment Donald Trump has decided to drop the whole thing. But "near-total lack of interest from the invitees," you won't be surprised to learn, is not the reason he gives. He is suddenly concerned about conflicts of interest, such as him running for president later on. Very reasonable. Hmm.

Let us thank the Obama campaign's senior strategist David Axelrod for this sterling metaphor today, regarding Newt Gingrich's anus — something we'll see more of as the primary season lingers on.

Thrice-married serial adulterer Newt Gingrich has "endorsed" Iowa's marriage pledge, meaning he has to stop cheating on whoever his wife is now. That's quite a sacrifice. (Update: He left himself some wriggle room, naturally, and didn't technically "sign" it.)

Ron Paul's got it made. While Mitt Romney is struggling to save his pretty-boy campaign, and Newt Gingrich is trying to clarify what "going negative" means, Paul is releasing these long, futuristic ads beating the dickens out of everyone (in this case, Gingrich).

Just as Newt Gingrich was rising to his spot as the nearly prohibitive favorite to win the Republican presidential nomination, he made a pledge not to "go negative" on his political opponents. Or, in cocksure Newt-speak: "They're not going to be the nominee. I don't have to go around and point out the inconsistencies of people who aren't going to be the nominee. They're not going to be the nominee." But guess who's pointing out his opponents' "inconsistencies today, and always, very negatively? This is the worst pledge ever.

Time for your daily dose of Giving Donald Trump Any Kind of Publicity! Today: The shrieking mudbuttface's precious little debate is in tatters. Michele Bachmann has turned him down, setting the final roster of participants at Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum. Or some combination of two.

It did not seem possible that Newt Gingrich, star of the biggest political flameout of the 1990s, would find himself weeks away from the 2012 Republican presidential nominating contests and leading by double-digits in both national polls and three of the four early primary states. But thank Allah he is! Go Newt! This is the best thing that's ever happened. Now let's watch some elite conservatives pundits squirm.

Rick Perry released a new campaign ad on Wednesday in an attempt to drum up support from religious conservatives, but instead found himself under fire for saying, "You know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas" in it. And while it's hard to imagine any defense of the ad being a good one, Stephen Colbert gave it his best shot on Thursday's Report.

The Republican Jewish Coalition 2012 Presidential Candidates Forum was held on Tuesday in Washington, DC. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart described the forum as a holiday celebrating "the miracle of incredibly Christian presidential candidates fighting over who loves Jews more" before ranking each one based on how much—and how shamelessly—they managed to suck up to Israel.

Rick Perry's gay-baiting Iowa ad didn't just anger human rights activists, gay service members, and gay Republicans. It roiled some of the people who work for him.

Rick Perry is the latest candidate to turn down Donald Trump's debate. Now, assuming the debate isn't canceled, it will just be Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and potentially Michele Bachmann fielding awful questions from this NBC television actor.