Sure has been a shit week for Newt Gingrich! The presidential candidate, for whom we're coming dangerously close to feeling sympathy, has been attacked from the left for stupid racist murmurs, from the right for hurting Rep. Paul Ryan's fee-fees, and from some guy with a glitterbomb, just because. Also, his Tiffany's expenses are now public information. Tiffany's, shoppe of the silvered class? Well, his personal jewelry charge account isn't really pertinent, but laugh if it makes you other debt-enslaved psychopaths feel good.

According to this RealClearPolitics.com headline, 'Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam,' and the accompanying story, Rick Perry is probably maybe putting out feelers for a possible 2012 run! It's a rumor that's been floated before. Please let this one be true:

Remember when John "Evil Ned Flanders" Bolton, the pickled death mustache who used to represent America at the United Nations, was yammering about a possible run for president, just so he could bomb Iran? He still hasn't made up his mind. Well, keep taking your time! No one's hurrying you.

Poor Newt Gingrich, things just aren't going as perfectly as he'd imagined in this early presidential campaign of strange nonsense. Consider this fellow Gingrich met in Iowa yesterday. He doesn't want to be Gingrich's friend; he just wants to chastise him for throwing Rep. Paul Ryan under the bus. "Why don't you get out before you make a bigger fool of yourself?" he tells Gingrich, while still shaking his hand for like ten seconds.

Mitt Romney brought all of his closest buddies to Vegas for a big party today! Meaning they sat at tables all day making fundraising calls. But the phonebanking raised $10.25 million, about enough to run an Iowa primary campaign.

Television character Donald Trump, as expected, has ended his fake consideration of the presidency just as his program the Celebrity Apprentice is winding down for the spring — and getting renewed for another season, as it was this morning.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee won't run for president! The Fox News host, who led in several polls released over the last few months, said it was a "spiritual decision," which we think means he used a Ouija board.

For the two or three of you who don't spend every Saturday night watching Fox News already, you'll definitely want to tune in tomorrow evening. Mike Huckabee is teasing a "very important announcement" that he plans to make on his show. The inside bet is that he's pregnant again. But it may also have something to do with that 2012 presidential race that he'd be a frontrunner in.

Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels should have joined the presidential race by this point. Economic conservatives like him, he's beginning to mend fences with social conservatives, his close friend Haley Barbour won't run against him, and most importantly, the D.C. establishment glorifies him as a very serious, fiscally responsible Grown-Up. So what's the hang up? Mostly, he and his wife Cheri don't want to read long exposes about their unique marital history for the next two years. And certain other, shady candidates are trying to exploit this vulnerability and scare him off.

Newt Gingrich is in it, and he's in it to win it! He is running for president of America, in 2012. He announced this on Twitter around 4:30 this afternoon, just as he promised two days ago that he'd announce it on Twitter. Kind of kills the spontaneity of it all, no? And the tweet linked to his announcement video at Newt.org, which hasn't been loading ever since. We used our master sleuth skills to find it on YouTube, but still: Improve your traffic capacity, candidate.

Boorish heretical flap-jaw Donald Trump was regularly leading Republican presidential polls about this time last month, mostly by juicing up the birther segment of the GOP electorate.

Well, we have two days for him to back out of it again, but former House Speaker and cuddly animal lover Newt Gingrich is launching a presidential campaign.

Fox News held a focus group of South Carolina Republican voters immediately after last night's chilling debate between Tim Pawlenty and several third-tier candidates. The group had two nearly unanimous opinions.

Five Republicans — Herman Cain, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Gary Johnson, and Ron Paul — are debating political stuff in South Carolina at tonight's First Republican Presidential Debate. Where are the "good candidates," you ask? They're busy, doing anything else. But that's no matter; The Pizza Man and Anal Leakage don't need Mitt Romney's help to put on a show. Let's record all the slaps in this Palmetto Punchout, right here. Turn on the Fox News Channel, now!

The participants in tomorrow night's first Republican presidential debate, sponsored by Fox News, have been determined: Herman Cain, Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum. Barely missing the cut is that noisy right-wing guy down the hall.

The first debate of the 2012 Republican presidential primary season is on May 5. That's but one se'en-day away! Fox News is sponsoring, live from South Carolina. The setting has all the trappings of a lively Republican political discussion about our nation's future. But as of now, only a handful of potential candidates plan on showing. What's up with all the other losers?

There is some lightly sourced babble at Reuters today about "desire at the highest ranks of the Republican Party" for House Budget Committee chair Rep. Paul Ryan to launch a presidential bid. This is partially confirmed by more lightly sourced babble on Twitter. There's a slim chance of this ever happening — Paul Ryan, for one, has no interest — but with Obama's poll numbers slinking further into the crapper, Republican elites are still looking for new candidates with scalable support. If they decide he's their guy, they'll force him to do it.

Citizens United, the conservative production company behind ACLU: At War With America, the Tea Party Trilogy, and the permanent destruction of the last trace of democracy in America, has put together its latest DVD dealy starring Newt and Callista Gingrich! A City Upon The Hill: The Spirit of American Exceptionalism also features cameos from Andrew Breitbart, Michele Bachmann, and incoming president for life, Donald Trump. It's about how lovely this country is and why liberals don't get that and want to make it more like the evil socialist countries in Yurp. Newt doesn't do full frontal, but there's definitely some nip action. [via Ben Smith]

Ron Paul is going exploring! The Republican congressman will announce the formation of a presidential exploratory committee tomorrow, along with an "Iowa leadership team" composed of "three of the 19 members of the Iowa Republican Party's state central committee," plus Gimli, Legolas and Boromir; the committee will take to the official Ron Paul Blimp, from which they will seek out, aided by millions of eager internet commenters, the mythical Gold Standard, jealously guarded by the tyrant Barack Obama. Paul, a libertarian OB/GYN, will not win the nomination "IRL," as he does not hate Muslims enough, but he will win the Reddit front page. [Slate]

Arch corporate lobbyist, Republican fundraiser, and Governor of Mississippi Haley Barbour has decided not to run for president. He doesn't have that "absolute fire in the belly," he says in a statement. We're glad to hear that he doesn't have the farts, but saddened that he won't run for president. Oh well. Let's blame the wife!