Famous conservative Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer, like many elite Republicans, has been dumping all over Donald Trump in the last few weeks. He's called him a "provocateur and clown" who's "unserious." It was a vicious low blow to whip out the bilious "p" word against America's most respected and moral businessman. So Krauthammer was understandably terrified yesterday when his secretary told him that Trump was on the line. As he recounted on Fox News last night:

Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson (R) declared his candidacy for President Thursday morning, adding a libertarian voice to the emerging GOP field.

What were we all thinking these past few completely hilarious weeks as we watched NBC television character Donald Trump become America's most prominent and vigorous birther? It seemed like he was driving the issue with maximum enthusiasm, as though it was the only issue that mattered to him and should matter to anyone, and that he wouldn't rest until the mystery of Obama's birth was settled. Yet it turns out that he never really wanted to talk about this stuff — it was the idiots in the media who kept asking him about it. He wants to talk about China!

You know how in the last few years it seems like every old person has tumbled onto the internet and, somehow, managed to learn how to forward emails of their pets to you? That basically has happened to Republicans, too. Get ready for the "social network primary."

Gay activist and former Republican operative Fred Karger, who's running for president just so he can get into a Republican debate and heckle Mitt Romney about gay issues, has already half-accomplished his praiseworthy goal. The South Carolina GOP has invited Karger to its May 5 debate, presented by Fox News. But don't double-butter your popcorn just yet! Karger first has to meet a tough additional requirement.

Pity Newt Gingrich, the unpopular politician from the 1990s who now wants to be president. He raised only $53,000 in the first quarter of 2011. Michele Bachmann and Mitt Romney, for perspective, raised $2.2 and $1.9 million respectively.

Squinty boor Donald Trump has secured a crucial endorsement! Gary Busey, the wild-eyed actor and celebrity apprentice, is not only campaigning for Trump, but has created an acronymic "Busey-ism" in support of the candidate: "Taking Redirection, Understanding Massive Power." Poetic and political!

On April 6, Donald Trump learned that he had come out of nowhere to tie for second place in the GOP nomination race. The next day, he did what any bona fide contender would: He filed a trademark application for a new Trump-branded line of bath salts.

Outgoing U.S. Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman, the moderate Republican ex-governor of Utah who thinks he can win a GOP presidential primary after a two-year stint working for President Obama, is facing more conservative mockery after his 2009 "love letter" to the president was leaked last week to Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller. Who could have leaked a private handwritten note to President Obama only? We'll let you gumshoes figure that one out!

Gelatinous cartoon slumlord Donald Trump is facing some tough questions about his previous political positions in his pretend campaign for president. He's already won, really, if this promotional stunt to increase the ratings of Celebrity Apprentice is getting reporters to read whatever dumb book he wrote in 2000 to dig up his arbitrary political stances of the time.

Our old pal Donald Trump is back in the news. His presidential publicity stunt to win ratings for the Celebrity Apprentice is moving along quite nicely, according to the hot new poll. Trump leads runner-up Mike Huckabee in GOP presidential pack by... let's see here... nine points. What the hell?

Shrieking low-brow parody of capitalism Donald Trump has weighed in on his chances of siphoning African-American voters from President Obama in their pretend presidential race: "I have a great relationship with the blacks." Care to respond, The Blacks?

Presidential candidate Mitt "Willard" Romney ceded tremendous ground to his main rival, pretend candidate and bloated carnival act Donald Trump, on CNBC yesterday, telling Larry Kudlow that he is not a Birther.

You guys won't believe this, but Willard "Mitt" Romney is running for president! Not that he ever really stopped. But consider today's launch of a presidential exploratory committee an official reboot of the popular plastic Mittens brand.

Weekends now serve no other purpose than to tease the entire American nation for two horrible days before each week's new Fox and Friends segment, Monday Mornings with Trump. Well we've got this week's clip!

Because putting his name on Trump Tea, Trump Steaks, Trump Ties, Trump Water, Trump Vodka, Trump Towers, and possibly Trump/Hasselbeck 2012 election posters wasn't enough, Donald Trump just acquired a Virginia vineyard so he can make Trump Wine.

New Hampshire's Republican voters will have so many wonderful candidates to choose from in the first 2012 presidential primary, but two of them rise above the field.

President Obama has officially filed the paperwork for his 2012 reelection bid, as you may have been notified by email, text, tweet, second email, carrier pigeon, secret government brainwave transmission, and so on. The announcements comes with this video of campaign supporters urging you to begin constant grassroots organizing efforts, immediately. The campaign website asks "Are you in?" and urges you to "Get In with Facebook."

Absolutely no one is on pins and needles over whether Barack Obama will seek reelection. But let's try to get excited about him announcing next week that he'll run for President again. It means he really likes working with us!

Running for president is perhaps the most surefire way to destroy your family life and depress your close relatives forever. Just imagine if your spouse came in and said, "I've decided I want to run for president." Does anyone ever react positively to this announcement? "Oh great THANKS A LOT, FUCKO," seems like the appropriate response. Because within 24 hours, the national news will find and play that S&M porno you shot in college, on repeat. "Does America want a president," the news anchor will say, "whose spouse is a whore?"