The flatfoots at Politico have finally discovered the missing bodies of Newt and Cally Gingrich, somewhere off the rocky shores of Greece and Turkey. The two are still alive, which makes sense, since all they're doing is taking a luxury cruise.

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum — google "santorum" for more information — has had his crack team of presidential explorers run all the polls and crunch all the numbers that still show him having no chance of winning the Republican nomination and... decided to run anyway. Hooray!...??

Mitt Romney, the likely favorite among 2012 Republican presidential candidates, launched his campaign in what for him is the must-win state of New Hampshire yesterday. All the local reporters were invited. So how did the state's biggest newspaper, the Union Leader, present Romney's announcement on today's front page? Look up at the hilarious image up top! What, you can't see it? It's neatly tucked away there in the bottom right corner, next to all the important stuff about non-candidate Sarah Palin saying "hi" to some fishermen and eating clams.

A few weeks of casually campaigning for president has already exhausted Newt and Callista Gingrich, who are taking a vacation to an undisclosed location. Wherever it is, they might as well just... stay there.

Mitt Romney is kicking off his second presidential campaign later on Thursday, and — according to published excerpts from the afternoon's big speech — he'll do it with a healthy dose of fear-the-coming-socialist-tide rhetoric.

Former Ambassador to China and Utah Governor Jon Huntsman could do well against President Obama, head-to-head! But in a new poll of Iowa Republicans, just one respondent out of 481 wants him to win the nomination. Maybe his cousin?

Former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain is doing just well enough in the polls, now, to afford a country music video for his presidential campaign. Look at all of the white conservatives here, trying to show how not-racist they are. They will ride the "Herman Cain Train" with Herman Cain, sure! No problems with that! Race is but a social construct!

The Sarah Palin Grifter Bus Tour is officially underway, and it's currently spewing toxic fumes across the Washington, DC area. There are many questions surrounding this family vacation, but so few answers. People need to know.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry appears to be changing his mind about a presidential run, for which he'd have plenty of support. He had ruled it out, but today he said he'll "think about it." Don't strain yourself.

First she buys a strikingly Abbottabadish compound in Arizona near her would-be campaign headquarters, then we hear about the release of a feature length propaganda film next month, and now we learn that Sarah Palin, the pride and shame of Wasilla, Alaska, is launching a national bus tour lasting "several weeks" this very fucking weekend. Is this all just another elaborate grifter trick to sell more SarahPAC gift shop tchotchkes? Because it looks an awful lot like a presidential campaign rollout.

Here you all were, grimly deciding whether to join the Romney, Pawlenty, or Huntsman for President fan clubs, but still hoping in vain for a white knight to come along and win your heart immediately and forever. Well, good news: Rudy Giuliani, a 1990s mayor, may still run for president. Hosannah in the highest! The search is over, and we should just anoint him King of America right now, since he's interested.

Jon Huntsman, the former Utah governor and ambassador to China, is already a Serious Presidential Candidate, according to something we wrote a few hours ago. Do you have any questions about this mysterious man that no one's heard of? Well five minutes at the website of Horizon PAC, Huntsman's campaign-in-waiting, should clear all of that up, since it features several vague, poem-ish musings on life and politics that don't even mention Huntsman's name.

What could be better for the body politic than Donald Trump starting his fake presidential campaign all over again? Pretty much anything. But it could happen! No, really, it could — he vaguely alluded to this possibility in today's edition of Monday Mornings with Trump, a weekly segment that still exists on Fox News' illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends.

No one wants to run for president anymore, can you believe it? Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels decided not to run over the weekend, following the exits of Mike Huckabee, Donald Trump, Haley Barbour, and some other people. This means, according to our news media, that there are only three "serious" — as in, capable of beating Barack Obama — Republican candidates remaining. Let's briefly discuss them so you can make your pick, right here and now!

You've seen his hype video, Courage to Stand. You've seen his "red-hot smoking wife." You've seen him be a man's man. Such a tease. Then on Sunday night, Tim Pawlenty made it official: It's A Time for Truth and he's running for president! In his newest and perhaps greatest video yet, you'll hear words from Tim Pawlenty that are reassuring in these trying times: truth, courage, blue collar, cupcakes, truth, American Dream, truth... Tim Pawlenty.

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has decided not to run for president. He alerted followers of the news in an email sent out early — really early — Sunday morning, probably while he was drunk, or at least, feeling restless after Saturday Night Live. Daniels, an establishment Republican favorite, had built up a reputation as a "sane" Republican by not actively demonizing Muslims and talking about "the deficit" all the time, but he stripped Indiana funds for Planned Parenthood and continued to identify himself as a Republican in 2011, so how sane can he really be? Even so, someone should check on David Brooks and make sure he's doing okay. [Politico; image via AP]

The underdog at the top put on his special rapture glasses and announced his campaign bid to 10,000—or was it 15,000?—of his closest friends in Atlanta, spreading the message of "shucky ducky" and showering the crowd with love. He also says he's that he's not running for "second," but fourth.

Which one of you liberal pranksters lit a fire in Sarah Palin's belly? Because she's totally confirmed that yes, there is some sort of flame now roasting her innards, the sort of internal situation that makes one want to run for president.

Here's your daily update on the catastrophic Newt Gingrich campaign for president! The Take: He's still faring poorly. Armies of cocktail-swilling literati sheep are still emptying their "clips" on him and everything he's said or done in the past week.

No book has scared away more possible presidential candidates this cycle than Mark Halperin and John Heilemann's Game Change, the definitive "horse race" account of the 2008 presidential race that focuses on making every relevant politician's family life look like utter shit. Haley Barbour and John Thune have already bypassed runs this year largely on account of their spouses wanting no part of the gossip industries that would coalesce around them, and Mitch Daniels is still weighing his decision for similar reasons. But are these pulp novels giving Rep. Michele Bachmann some hesitancy, too?