Never believe anything Rudy Giuliani tells you about marriage. "I do"? Bullshit. "To have and to hold"? Lie. "I promise to preside over the wedding of my two good gay friends as soon as marriage is legal in New York"? Take a guess.

Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty tries so hard to be loved, and yet. He makes exciting action films on a regular basis, he's apologized for once believing in science, he's released a cartoonish parody of a Republican economic plan, and he's all about the Jesus stuff. He is a full-service pander shop but scares away all the customers. What else can he do at this point? Go nuts about war, obviously.

We never thought we'd see the day. But sure enough, here's Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, clad in her most confidently shiny suit, officially launching her presidential campaign in her native town of Waterloo, Iowa today. Will she be our new, shiny president come January 2013? If it can't be Donald Trump, then sure, this'll do.

The Mitt Romney campaign released a web video this morning about young Ryan King, a recent college graduate from destitute Midland, Michigan, who drives around the local trash and destruction all day, just lookin' for a job. He has $3 and only eats bologna sandwiches. Why won't President Obama let him get a job? He is a failed leader.

Newt Gingrich still had some presidential campaign staffers after 16 of his top aides quit en masse a couple of weeks ago. It only takes a few, right? Perhaps. But his top campaign finance advisers just quit too, so he really should end his campaign and take whatever few dollars remain to pay himself a PAC salary for a few months.

Did you want 74-year-old crank John McCain to run for president again? Well, sorry. He said today that "there's a long history of masochism in my family, but not so severe" as to make him go through that again. [AP]

Well how about that: Jon Huntsman somehow rode his motocross thing all the way from Utah to the Statue of Liberty in a day to launch his presidential campaign this morning. The 2012 presidential election just got Xtreme, folks. Watch him talk about how fatally damaged yet fundamentally strong the United States is in the clip up top. Where do these boomer types get the audacity to try to fix the country after ruining it so? Well, that's another post.

Former ambassador to China and Utah governor Jon Huntsman Jr. is gearing up to run for president! That single human being in Iowa, at least, is pleased as punch. What do we know about this blossoming mute? According to this ad, he's the "candidate for president who rides motocross to relax." Nifty! That Oval Office fridge better be stocked like the dickens with Mountain Dew Code Red.

Republican presidential candidate and history buff Michele Bachmann has signed a deal with Penguin Group USA to write a memoir. It will be called America of Heart or Rogueish Goer or My Father's Flag or The Coming Battle With the Mormon Horde or somesuch and come out this fall, roughly one year before her election as 45th president of the United States.

Word continues to leak out about why Newt Gingrich's campaign fired him last week, and the answer continues to be: Callista Gingrich.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R - The Negative Zone) is officially running for president! (We should hope so, given that she's appearing in a presidential debate right now.) Is Bachmann crazy enough to win the nomination? We say yes... unless Bill Clinton kills her first.

So, what does Obama impersonator Reggie Brown think about government entitlement programs? And why in the hell would anyone care? Perhaps the answer is known only to John Stossel and the residents of Fox Nation.

Newt Gingrich, outsider candidate for president, addressed reporters at his decidedly inside-the-Beltway home in McLean, Virginia this morning, regarding yesterday's hilarious mass quitting of 16 top staffers. No, he's not ending his campaign, you amoral leeches. In fact yesterday's implosion was quite liberating! Now he can run the brilliant, innovative campaign he's always wanted, freed from the calcified constraints of the "traditional consulting community."

In 2008, presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent $2.5 million to buy a win at the Iowa straw poll (an August event that "is one of the landmark events of the nominating contest"), and then, hilariously, lost the caucuses a few months later, because he doesn't love fetuses enough and may have once seen two men kissing. So, this time around, he's just going to skip the stupid poll! This lessens his chances of winning in Iowa, but it helps Romney position himself as a pragmatic business-golfer-pleated-pants type who will create jobs, rather than a bible-thumping-intense-gaze type who will ban MTV, or whatever Republicans are into these days. Good luck creating jobs while buying into the liberal conspiracy known as "global warming," Mitt! [WSJ; image via AP]

Several outlets are reporting that most of Newt Gingrich's senior staffers for his presidential campaign have abruptly quit en masse. This appears to be what Beltway insiders call a "hilarious total implosion."

Mitt Romney was a bad Republican last week. We'll tell you what he did, but first, send your children into the other room. Ready? He gave a big old bear hug to Science, by casually acknowledging that climate change may exist and humans may play some role in that. This is a calamitous "gaffe," and now everyone else in the GOP is trying to destroy him anew.

Former pizza mogul and current GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain told CBS yesterday that it's "ridiculous" to call Tea Party Patriots racists. You can blame a few bad apples who make racist signs and say racist things and email racist pictures maybe, but don't paint the entire "movement" with the same brush, ok? The Tea Party is all-inclusive:

Barack Obama may have a Democratic primary opponent after all! But not really, is the thing. Terrifying anti-abortion activist Randall Terry is making good on his plan to challenge Barack Obama in Iowa, mostly over the president's long record of killing babies.

It looks like Rep. Michele Bachmann will be running for president, unless you hire a renowned campaign manager and plan a major rally in the Iowa town where you were born just to get a cruel laugh out of it. We shouldn't rule that out. But she seems ready to run, capable of doing well in Iowa, and willing to have her good friend and possible Iowa competitor Sarah Palin trashed through surrogates.

You all are proud passengers aboard the Herman Cain Train, yes? It's basically a cake-walk for the Republican presidential candidate, at this point, to win the presidency by 100 percentage points. So now we should only bother ourselves with what he'll do when he's in the Oval Office. And apparently he won't sign any bills longer than three pages.