Now that the American journalism establishment has been almost completely replaced by the Twitter account @depressionbook, how will the twenty or so Americans who care about politics receive their news about the presidential campaign? The answer: Babies.

Why did Rick Perry completely change his mind about entering the presidential race, thereby stripping Mitt Romney of his inevitable frontrunner status? Perhaps he's too flippant about the whole deal. Or he just wants to exact revenge on Romney for dishonoring his beloved Boy Scouts, nine years ago.

Some rather strange footage of Michele Bachmann began circulating over the weekend in which she appears at first glance—and with the help of the uploader's captions!—to be asking the crowd, "Who likes white people?" Hot dog, what a racist that Michele Bachmann is! But the video, like 99% of the Internet, is a cruel hoax.

Don't be deceived. Despite his attendance at not one, but two extremely not-Muslim Christian churches, as well as his constant cavorting with the New Apostolic Reformation, Rick Perry is basically Osama bin Laden in cowboy drag.

So a full eight years ago, then-Sen. Rick Santorum made an offensive slippery-slope argument with regards to legalizing gay marriage and how it would lead to constant bestiality everywhere. Some folks on the Internet responded by pulling a Google prank that forever links his name to frothy anal discharge. But this doesn't still bother Santorum, does it? Railing against it isn't, say, a part of his stump presence nowadays?

While the East Coast braces itself for the ravages of Hurricane Irene this weekend, a tempest of another kind will be building in Texas.

Possibly peaked Michele Bachmann has been hanging out in Florida sandwich shops these past few days to talk about how she might change the $7.25-an-hour federal minimum wage, if she becomes president. She'd impose living wages for everyone—especially sandwich shop workers!

Remember how close former New York Gov. George Pataki was to entering the presidential race earlier this week? Finally, a real candidate! But alas, he announced today that he will not run after all. Ugh. This cannot be happening.

Here's a lovely little photo essay prepared by David Limbaugh, Rush Limbaugh's less drug-addicted brother. It shows Rick Perry at age 22, when he was an Air Force pilot, contrasted with "Barack Hussein Obama II" at age 22, when he was a nig—excuse me, I mean, boy. They were both boys, obviously, but Perry was a plane-flying man while Obama was really a boy. Just a boy. This is going to be the most racist election ever.

So far, at least, it seems like Texas Gov. Rick Perry made a fine last-minute decision to enter the presidential race. From our side, we applaud his magical ability to produce daily blog material. And for him, he's already leading every national poll! Now the question is whether he'll completely flop and go down in American political history as a grand failure, no big deal.

There have been several chapters in the still-extremely-early 2012 presidential race. There was the time that Newt Gingrich's smarts and policy chops was going to shake up the contest. That ended. There was the time Herman Cain's business acumen and tea party ties were going to be a real factor in the race. That didn't work out. Then, of course, there was Donald Trump. Remember him?

Have you, too, heard Jon Stewart and every other hand-wringer complaining about how the media "ignores" Ron Paul, the politician who's been covered extensively for four or five years despite being a cranky old man representing a narrow ideological strand of libertarian thought?

After weeks of renewed consideration, Rep. Paul Ryan has decided not to run for president. He had plenty of establishment support lined up, but alas, he must "love his family" or something weird.

Many completely correct adjectives come to mind when you think of presidential frontrunner Willard "Mittens" Romney: Slick, gross, rich, cheesy, evil, hilarious, weird, and, especially, white. But no one ever talks about how old he is. Did you know he's kind of old?

If you were a former three-term governor of New York and had dealt with all of Albany's crap for 12 years, wouldn't you hate politics and life so much that you'd want to go fishing or golfing or part-time corporate lobbying all the time, alone, while anxiously awaiting your death that just can't come soon enough? Yeah, you would! But if you're George Pataki, you apparently want to run for president. Hmm.

American everyman Mitt Romney has decided that his 3,009 square foot home in La Jolla, California isn't quite big enough. According to a Romney spokesman, the well coiffed GOP presidential candidate is doing a little add-on because the $12 million home "is inadequate for their needs." When renovations are complete, after the 2012 election of course, the Romney fortress will be around 11,000 square feet.

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann says the reason why she confuses Elvis Presley's birthday with his death day, and Russia for the Soviet Union, and herself with John Wayne Gacy when she means John Wayne—John Wayne, guys—is because "when you speak six times a day, slip-ups can occur."

It's been clear for some time now that the media is ignoring Ron Paul. Now it's a mathematical fact. Pew Research has crunched the numbers, and it turns out the media's giving less love to Ron Paul than to fellow presidential candidate Jon Huntsman.

Why did Michele Bachmann hire an accused terrorist and ex-spy who pals around with a central figure in the Ugandan effort to make homosexuality a crime punishable by death?

Texas is a wonderful place to govern for 11 years, as it turns out: there's no ban on receiving gifts.