Hope Conan O'Brien's got room on his shelf for a few more awards, because the movie he's picked for his dramatic acting debut, Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda, is the kind of incisive picture about the human condition that Academy voters go nuts for.

Egypt's proposal for an Israel-Hamas cease-fire fell apart today after Israel resumed airstrikes on Gaza in response to Hamas's rocket attacks. Israeli officials say the rocket attacks never actually stopped, and Gaza officials claim at least one Palestinian was injured in an airstrike during the supposed cease-fire.

Jose Antonio Vargas, a Pulitzer-prize winning journalist and immigration reform activist, was detained in McAllen, Texas Tuesday morning. Vargas, who revealed in a 2011 New York Times Magazine story that he's an undocumented immigrant from the Philippines, is being held at a Border Patrol station.

A 25-year-old British woman has spent nearly $30,000 on surgical procedures to keep up with sex tape star and famous famous person Kim Kardashian. Claire Louise Leeson started the kardashification process when she was just 17, and now has bigger boobs, whiter teeth, and so, so much spray tan.

Vice Media, which is still playing footsie with the world's media conglomerates in search of a huge investment, is a global company. We've heard tons of complaints about low pay from their workers in the U.S. Employees in London say it's just as bad there.

As the national debate rages over what to do with the tens of thousands of Central American children who have flooded the U.S. border in recent months, one Marylander was brave enough to take a stand.

Saturday Night Live has just fired one of its newest cast members, Brooks Wheelan, after a single season. If you're asking "Wait, who?" you're not alone: Wheelan didn't get a lot of screen time in his short run on SNL.

The Register Citizen of Torrington reports on a domestic dispute that could only happen in Connecticut: Last night, a man was arrested for stabbing a watermelon in a "passive aggressive" manner.

Happy bank earnings day! You'll be happy to learn that both Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan have already reported higher than expected second quarter profits. Seems like a good time to let you know that the top 1% is even wealthier than we thought.

As soon as the recording of this call to Comcast's customer service line begins, you understand how bad it's going to be. This is not a helpful, friendly staffer; this is the condescending, needy ex-boyfriend from hell, pitifully demanding to know why you're leaving him.

At least 89 people were killed in a suicide car bomb attack in the Patika province of Afghanistan this morning. No group has yet taken responsibility for the attack, but Reuters notes that members of the Pakistani Taliban have been retreating to this area of Afghanistan to avoid military attacks in Pakistan.

If there's one song from the past year that very obviously deserves a parody on a new "Weird Al" Yankovic album, it's Pharrell's "Happy." It's got an addictive hook, a simple theme, and Al only needed to rhyme one word to make it work. Voilá: "Tacky" is born.

A rush-hour train derailment in Moscow today killed 19 people and injured 150, according to Russian officials. At least 50 of the injured are reportedly in grave condition.

A fire burns through Moccasin Hill, northeast of Klamath Falls, Ore. The fire has already burned more than 2,500 acres of land since starting Sunday and thousands of lightning strikes in the area have caused additional fires. Image by Dennis Lee via AP/Oregon Dept. of Forestry.

Archie Andrews, star of a comic you read sometimes and perpetually caught in a love triangle with Betty and Veronica, will die in the issue of Life With Archie hitting stands Wednesday.

A 27-year-old Mexican citizen tried to hang himself from a U.S.-Mexico border fence near Calexico today, authorities report. A U.S. Border Patrol agent managed to free the man from his noose and revive him after he had fallen unconscious.

Sixty-seven live giant African snails were discovered in two picnic baskets at the Los Angeles International Airport earlier this month. The snails, which collectively weighed 35 pounds, were sent from Lagos, Nigeria, to a person in San Dimas, Ca., and were apparently intended for human consumption.

Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor welfare fraud charge today and was given two years probation and ordered to serve 200 hours of community service. The mother of 14 had failed to disclose the nearly $30,000 in earnings she made from public appearances and videos.

The Egyptian Foreign Ministry has proposed a ceasefire to the deadly attacks raged between Israel and Hamas, calling for a halt to further offensives until a truce can be negotiated. The Israeli government and leaders of Hamas have reportedly said they will consider the offer.

Chugging an entire gallon of honey is tough enough under optimal circumstances—that's about 2 weeks worth of calories—but it's absolutely terrifying when you have 2,000 bees hanging out all over your face.