An audio technician working on the television show Cops was killed by police gunfire after a robbery at a Wendy's in Omaha, Neb. yesterday. According to the Omaha World-Herald, at least 30 shots were fired in the shootout.

An Oregon mom told police that a strange man broke into her house, hid in her 7-year-old daughter's bedroom, and escaped through the window early Tuesday morning. The intruder left behind a photo in the girl's closet and a replaced the cartoons in her DVD player with a porn disc.

Thinking of buying a new home in Moscow Oblast, but still on the fence? Perhaps a cat will convince you. Sign the promissory, take the cat. Look, cute cat! Это красивая кошка! Just hold him for a sec. Awwwwwwwww. Now, do you want a fixed-rate or a 5/1 ARM?

Tim Hortons, the Canadian coffee-and-doughnut restaurant that recently agreed to be bought by America's third-or-fourth-greatest burger chain, Burger King, has revealed their first attempt in assimilating into our brilliant American culture by imagineering the Buffalo Crunch doughnut. Give me a fuckin break!!!

The first-ever live broadcast of giant panda cubs being born has suffered a major setback—the star of the show, Ai Hin, isn't actually pregnant. Zookeepers now believe she was "faking it" to get a cushier room and more food.

Jimmy McMillan, the prodigiously bearded spirit animal of New York City, is running for governor of New York again.

I cannot believe we are still talking about this.

The New York Times editorial board, with great pride in its own high-mindedness, has refused to endorse Andrew Cuomo's campaign for renomination as governor of New York in the upcoming Democratic primary. As the Times' reporters have amply documented, Andrew Cuomo is, in his role as a self-appointed champion of clean politics, a gutless fraud at best, and at worst a crook. Having sworn to rid Albany of its toxic and comical culture of gross corruption, he promptly and comically corrupted his own reform effort. The Times editorial board says so—that Cuomo "broke his most important promise."

The summer's most important pop-culture debate: Are Jay Z and Beyoncé—currently on tour together—getting divorced? According to rumor, yes. But according to a tipster with backstage video of the pair: No.

If you are an Atlanta Falcons season-ticket holder and enjoy the company of professional cheerleaders, congratulations: you can now order a cheerleader to your stadium seat via app. To uh, take a picture. It's a plot only creepy NFL marketers and anti-social app developers could devise.

Those who keep a close eye on the airline industry tell us that many airlines today are considering doing away with "First Class," in favor of, I suppose, either more ultraluxury seats, or more tiny hell seats. What was "First Class," anyhow?

Three days ago in New York City, dozens of bared breasts and half as many women marched from Columbus Circle to Bryant Park, accompanied by a coterie of similarly topless men. The occasion—International Go Topless Day—was marked by eager press coverage in the New York Post and elsewhere. Very little of it mentioned aliens or UFOs—despite the fact that International Go Topless Day was created and is sponsored by one of the world's largest alien-worshipping UFO cults.

Canadian music legend Neil Young has filed for divorce from his wife, Pegi Young, Rolling Stone reports. The pair had been married for 36 years.

Jon Stewart is back after the Daily Show's annual summer hiatus, and it seems he missed a few things, like the police killing of unarmed black teen Michael Brown in Ferguson, Mo. So, better late than never, we finally get Stewart's take on Ferguson—specifically, his outrage at the way the shooting and subsequent protests have been covered by Fox News.

Clinton-era Secretary of State Madeline Albright is now working to help billionaire hedge fund mogul Paul Singer legally extort money from the people of Argentina, because ultimately even "respectable leaders" are for sale, and never forget that.

American journalist Peter Theo Curtis, who was held hostage by the Al Qaeda-linked al-Nusra Front in Syria for almost two years, is back in the U.S. He met his mom at Logan International Airport last night. In a statement to the Associated Press, Curtis said,

In the course of raising $88.5 million and counting to fight amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, the Ice Bucket Challenge pretty much ran out of real-world celebrities to drench, so now animated regular schlubs are getting in on it. Here's Homer Simpson's contribution.

Hello. Do you live in an earthquake-prone part of Southern California? Look at the building in which you live and/ or work. Is it made of brick? Goodbye, my friend.

Reclusive British singer/songwriter/dancer Kate Bush played her the first of her 22 Before the Dawn shows at London's Hammersmith Apollo last night and people are freaking the fuck out. The show was divided into three sections: an opening hits portion, a theatrical interpretation of The Ninth Wave (the entire Side B of her 1985 Hounds of Love album) about a woman drowning, and another narrative portion using the songs of A Sky of Honey (the second disc of her 2005 comeback album Aerial), at the end of which Bush transforms to a bird. The Guardian's Alexis Petridis summarizes the show's sprawling, and at times absurd spectacle in his review's opening paragraph:

International Monetary Fund head Christine Lagarde has been placed under investigation by French magistrates for her alleged role in a long-running fraud case involving the former owner of Adidas. She has described the investigation as "totally unfounded" and plans to appeal the decision.