Draven Rodriguez, a student at Schenectady High School in upstate New York, has a dream for his senior yearbook: that it will include this professional photo of him and his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth, and lasers. "I'm not trying to make any statement," Rodriguez told The Daily Gazette, "other than my photo is ridiculous and this is how I am."

Apparently Kid Noah Ritter, the ginger 5-year-old you apparently remember from that time he apparently overused a certain qualifier in a local news interview, charmed everyone on Ellen Thursday in what was apparently his first time on a national talk show.

Scotland has been a part of the United Kingdom for over 300 years. By the end of the year, that could drastically change. A week from today, all Scots over the age of 16 will have a chance to vote on a very simple question: "Should Scotland be an independent country?" What does this mean? Allow us to explain.

In new footage obtained by CNN, two contractors working in Ferguson, Mo. the day Darren Wilson shot Michael Brown react to the teen's killing, with one throwing up his hands and shouting, "He had his fucking hands in the air!"

Last night, Willie Tyrone Trottie, who was convicted of a 1993 double murder, was executed in Texas after spending 20 years on death row. Trottie wrote us a letter earlier this year as part of our "Letters from Death Row" series.

A teacher at Westbrook Elementary School in Taylorsville, Utah, accidentally shot herself in the leg this morning while preparing to mold young minds in the teacher's lounge. According to KSL TV, "no students were present when the shot was fired," but the teacher is in "serious condition." She was rushed to a local hospital.

As the country gathers in somber remembrance, Gawker takes part in its annual, ceremonial purification of the demons of cloying 9/11 memorial writing, in which a giant wicker statue—called by writers the "Ambler Man"—is burned in effigy.

John Crawford III, a 22-year-old black man, was fatally shot by police inside an Ohio Walmart after another shopper reported Crawford was "walking around with a gun in the store." The alleged gun, which the witness described in a 911 call as a black rifle, and later said he thought was an AR-15, turned out to be a BB rifle from one of the store's shelves.

Sam Houston High School in Texas takes its "no cell phones in class" policy seriously. The footage above shows 15-year-old, 70-lb sophomore Ixel Perez screaming and crying as three campus cops tackle her to the ground to get her phone. One of them puts his knee on the side of her head.

This morning we woke up to the news that Oscar Pistorius had been acquitted of murder charges in the death of Reeva Steenkamp. That, at least, was how the headlines played it. The reality is slightly more complicated. Join me below, as I explain things to the angry-feminist voice in my head.

Hedge fund are organizations designed to take money from wealthy investors and—through sophisticated financial wizardry—use that money to enrich hedge fund managers. Shockingly, many professional investors believe hedge fund managers are overpaid.

Apple's just-announced iPhone 6L is 5.5 inches long: enormous by smartphone standards, but not even adequate in the eyes of morning show size queen Kelly Ripa. You expect her to use that tiny thing? Really? You have no idea how huge her purse is.

Guy Blouin, 48, died in Quebec City, Canada, last week. According to witnesses, he had been run over by a police cruiser after riding his bicycle the wrong way on a one-way street, and officers continued to arrest him even after blood poured out of his mouth.

A teacher at McKinley Middle School in Washington, D.C. sent their sixth grade students home with an assignment from a "war and peace" section in the curriculum: compare and contrast Adolf Hitler and former U.S. President George W. Bush in a Venn diagram. "Both men abused their powers," the teacher apparently explained.

As two people who have spent a significant portion of their lives working in, or as clients of, rehabilitation centers across the nation (Chris is a recovering heroin addict who works as a freelancer, and Joe is a recovering alcoholic who owns a sober living center) we are intimately aware of the nuances of the rehabilitation "industry."

Thousands of years ago, the ancient Egyptians used a standardized series of hieroglyphic symbols called mdw'w-nṯr ("god's words") to disseminate celebrity gossip. Today, we do the same thing, but inside of a computer somehow. Nothing ever changes, except computers, which are constantly updating their Adobe Flash programs. This is The Emoji Tatler.

School's back in session, and another class of college freshmen is embarking on the traditional years-long journey of learning, drinking, fucking, and non-dischargeable debt. It's too late to save them now, but Nick Offerman has one exquisite dram of wisdom that could make their time go more smoothly: Don't use your roommate's soap.

The "millennials," a demographically desirable generation that is defined by its blind fealty to the advertising agencies most capable of portraying corporate brands as non-corporate, has declared that—above all—it wants to be seen as unique.

A South African judge has dismissed murder charges brought against Oscar Pistorius, who shot and killed his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, in February of last year. "The state clearly has not proved beyond reasonable doubt that the accused is guilty of premeditated murder," Judge Thokozile Matilda Masipa said today. "There are not enough facts." The judge has yet to rule on a lesser charge, of culpable homicide, similar to manslaughter in the U.S.