"Apparently this is my first ever TV commercial," says Apparently Kid in the above spot for FreshPet pet food. He goes on to play with puppies and make some fart jokes, apparently. Thank god his delightful demeanor and cute round face have finally been properly monetized.

A. J. Delgado, a National Review columnist whose best-known work is titled "Crying Rape," was a special guest on Sean Hannity's radio show this week. Hannity got her take on the video of NFL star Ray Rice knocking his then-fiancée Janay out cold in an elevator, because why not? Here's Delgado's theory: Ray is the "bigger victim of domestic violence," because actually, Janay "knocked herself out."

Anilingus is having a moment.

As far as surprise guests dropping into your grade school classroom go, you could do little better than the leader of the free world. You could do a little better, though.

Radio Shack, also known as "The Shack" or "The King of Replacement Parts for Electronic Items that No Longer Exist," is teetering on the verge of bankruptcy. Can the good old "We Sell Modern Products Now—We Swear!" find itself a reason to exist?

Zeus, a great dane and World's Tallest Dog, died last week of old age, his family confirmed to the Kalamazoo Gazette. "We'll really miss him," Kevin Doorlag said.

After dismissing premeditated murder charges yesterday, Judge Thokozile Matilda Masipa ruled that Oscar Pistorius is guilty of culpable homicide—similar to a manslaughter conviction in the U.S. —in the shooting and killing of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.

A man who should definitely not be pursuing a criminal career had a rough summer after he not only allegedly tried to sell cocaine to an undercover cop but also tried to rip the cop off by handing him a bag full of crushed-up Pop-Tarts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver aren't officially divorced yet, but that didn't stop the former California governor from crudely smudging her face out of his official portrait.

A 19-year-old convicted killer serving three life sentences for shooting up an Ohio high school escaped from prison Thursday night, authorities say.

SNL Weekend Update host Cecily Strong has apparently been demoted and will be replaced at the anchor desk this season by a new cast member and former writer on the show.

Yahoo's general counsel said Thursday that the US government tried to force them to give up their user data in 2008 by threatening to fine them $250,000 each day they refused.

Authorities are calling downtown LA the new Miami—as far as drug money laundering schemes go.

Aubrey Graham is internationally famous for rapping and crying (and the winner of a Grammy for same), but although the world now calls him Drake, his hometown of Toronto will forever know him as "Wheelchair Jimmy" Brooks.

LSU's Delta Kappa Epilson chapter is awful sorry about the banner they hung from their frat house this weekend for the game against Sam Houston State, which read "Michael isn't the only Sam getting the D tonight." While "satire" was the goal, DKE brothers say, "crossing the line and causing offense to others [was] never the intent."

Even as Barack Obama all but declares war on militants in Iraq, the biggest story in America is the scandal enveloping the National Football League. But for sports fans, this story has been lengthy and complicated, with new information nullifying what we thought we knew. Here, for the still uninitiated, is the story that could undermine our country's biggest sport.

Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy admitted Thursday that he left a 20 cent tip—not 20 percent, but twenty hundredths of one American dollar—on a $60 restaurant bill, but he did not apologize. In fact, he said he'd do the same thing again.

Yesterday, when Vanity Fair released its New Establishment list—which first debuted in 2008 as "a collection of kingmakers and innovators"—it included a sub-list of nine men and two women. Among the herd were Andrew Ross Sorkin of the New York Times, Bill Simmons of Grantland, Ezra Klein of Vox, and Gawker's own Sam Biddle. This apparently new breed of swashbuckling, journo-entrepreneurs was dubbed News Disruptors.

I don't remember how old I was when I watched my first football game; under the age of five, certainly. It was, throughout my youth, the activity that made sympathy with the male members of my family possible: three hours of peace on a weekend otherwise dominated by door-slamming fights with my dad; an easy topic of conversation at Christmas with my gruff, raspy-voiced grandfather.

The ozone layer. Remember that? Well, it's back. Yeah! Retro as hell. Now bring back He-Man, Tony! Toni! Tone!, and California's water supply.