As two people who have spent a significant portion of their lives working in, or as clients of, rehabilitation centers across the nation (Chris is a recovering heroin addict who works as a freelancer, and Joe is a recovering alcoholic who owns a sober living center) we are intimately aware of the nuances of the rehabilitation "industry."

"Rehab in Malibu" has become somewhat of a cliche. Not long after Promises launched the "Malibu model" of addiction treatment in 2004, which features luxurious accommodations and concierge-like services alongside therapy and other rehabilitative services, a cottage industry of addiction recovery centers sprang up along the California coastline. As more centers opened, there was a race among them: Who could become the most opulent? Who could attract the biggest celebrities, the deepest-pocketed addicts? Rehabs needed better living quarters, higher-caliber chefs, to operate with the most tight-lipped discretion. We wondered—what are the limits of a Malibu rehab's indulgence? When does "um, no, that would be absurd" come as an answer to the demand of a seemingly gilded client?

To find out, we contacted several rehabs and made outrageous requests for treatment. Here's how it went: We emailed rehab admissions and pretended to be the personal assistant for a "high net-worth individual." We implied that our boss was either a distinguished actress or a prominent businessman. For callback numbers, we left the toll-free lines to major financial corporations or film companies. Either way, we always insisted upon "utmost discretion."

Granted, we may have been dealing with people who were genuinely trying to help us. Who knows? The key word is "may," because sadly, these instances of special treatment so often come with a ridiculous price tag. You be the judge.

Rehab #1: Creative Care Malibu

The price tag for a stint at Creative Care Malibu is a meager $45,000, mere chump change for a Malibu wellness getaway (and the cheapest one we encountered). We called admissions and inquired on behalf of our boss, saying that a requisite for her treatment would be that she could retain her nudist lifestyle.

The verdict? Sure! A representative for Creative Care said that the center "specializes in individualized personal treatment, with the emphasis on thinking outside the box." If our boss were to obtain a private room, she could "practice her lifestyle choice in private." And since the houses there are gender specific, she could "always ask the other women if they are comfortable with her walking around in the common areas nude as well." We asked if our boss could receive actual therapy in the nude. We were told that "six of our seven licensed primary therapists are female" and that the representative would ask them.

Accommodation rating: 3/5 stars

Rehab #2: Journey Malibu

We emailed Journey Malibu with this request:

I have a very bizarre question… my boss has entered a phase of her life and career where she chooses not to speak unless it is in front of camera. Would this be an issue for treatment if she insists on continuing this way?

We told Journey that our boss not only opted for muteness, but also demanded to communicate through a small note pad she kept on her body. The Journey team was very helpful. A representative replied to us: "I met with the treatment team this morning, and we discussed the potential of taking a client who will not be verbal, and we came up with a plethora of non-verbal, creative, healing ideas, and would welcome the opportunity to treat your boss." And what do these creative, healing ideas cost? $68,000 per month.

Accommodation rating: 5/5 stars

Rehab #3: Cliffside Malibu

We'll let this email exchange speak for itself.

Greetings

My name is Janet Turnit and I am a personal assistant for a high net-worth individual who is seeking treatment. I am currently out of the country and cannot speak over the telephone. Would it be possible to correspond with someone in admission over email? If so, please contact me ASAP.

Best

Janet

Janet,

Please email me any questions you may have about Cliffside Malibu. Attached is a program summary for your convenience. I am always available via email or phone at ***-***-****.

Speak to you soon,

***** *****

Admissions

Cliffside Malibu

***-***-****

*****,

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. Again, it's difficult for me to speak on the phone at the moment, but I should be able to do so within a couple days. As for my boss, she is an eccentric person. We have had difficulty in getting her to embrace the idea of treatment, but she is finally on board. She is battling addiction to alcohol and pain medication. In addition to this, she is very strong willed and particular about her lifestyle. A requisite for her treatment would be that she could have her two King Charles Cavaliers stay with her. I know it must be a strange request, but I have to ask. There are no financial restrictions. It's also important that discretion be met with this person. I'm assuming that wouldn't be an issue.

Janet

Janet,

Confidentiality is a certainty at Cliffside. We allow pets under the conditions that they are friendly, the owner signs a liability waiver, and she must be in a private room. Also, there is an additional $5,000.00 payment for the lovely dogs. Thus, cost in a private room is $78,000 for 30 days including the pet fee the total would be $83,000.00 plus any medication needed.

Cliffside is accustomed to‎ having unique individuals looking for treatment. Our dignity and respect model helps everyone feel special and most important safe to do the necessary recovery work.

Call me anytime.

*********

Admissions

Cliffside Malibu

***-***-****

Excellent. Good to hear about the confidentiality. I forwarded your email to my employer and she was very pleased. Price is not an issue. She wants to know if her groomer could stay with her as well. Obviously the groomer would not participate in the recovery work. The King Charles Cavaliers are her most prized possessions, and she spares no expense for them.

Janet

We can find an apartment for the groomer about 1 mile away and he or she can come to the facility as needed. We have done this in the past for personal trainers, nannies, and such.

*******

Admissions

Cliffside Malibu

***-***-****

Okay. Will relay. Do you know how often the groomer can come? Also she wants to know if she will have to write during her stay. She is accustomed to dictating everything to a scribe. She has issues with personal penmanship and typing.

J

How often do the dogs need to be groomed?

She will have to do Admissions Paperwork and a bio/psych/social. Other than that not much writing. She should invest in the speech recognition software that you speak words that type on the screen.

Are you her assistant? You can be available for the bio/psych/social as she dictates.

********

Admissions

Cliffside Malibu

***-***-****

Yes I am her assistant, I have been with her for 8 years. The dogs see the groomer everyday generally, but he usually does much more than simple grooming. They have a wardrobe that rivals a human's and probably surpasses most in cost. He dresses the dogs and trains them constantly. I have felt he has an issue with substances as well, but for now I am concerned with only getting her into treatment. If he agreed to go as a patient/client would that be permitted? This really isn't as important, but I can foresee this becoming a question at some point.

J

Yes, he can be a client. That would be best scenario. Are they romantically involved?

******

Admissions

Cliffside Malibu

***-***-****

No, he is extremely flamboyant and definitely homosexual but he fails to accept it. Maybe you could help with that?

J

I'm flamboyant yet not homosexual :)

Let me know how I can be of service.

*******

Admissions

Cliffside Malibu

***-***-****

Haha. I guess that came out wrong. I will get back to you within a couple days most likely. Thank you for being so helpful.

J

Excellent. I'm always available my personal number is ***-***-****. By the way, I was only having some fun with my comment before.

Be well,

*******

Admissions

Cliffside Malibu

***-***-****

Accommodation rating: 5/5 stars

Needless to say, when an addict or alcoholic is dictating the terms of their treatment, the outcome tends to be disastrous. The disease of addiction is centered on the mind. Nobody likes to believe they are suffering from a mental illness; through our own experiences we have found that the people who are most successful in treating their illness need an ample dose of humility to accept that they have one. When they are adamant about controlling the terms of treatment and methods for help, they are generally not ready for the healing process to begin.

But it appears that $83,000 per month will buy someone just about any type of treatment he or she desires.

Christopher O'Connor is a freelancer. Joe Shrank owns a sober living center and founded thefix.com.

[Image by Jim Cooke]