Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes Named Their Baby After 15th-Century Ship

Leah Finnegan · 10/09/14 01:30PM

Accented lamb-man Ryan Gosling and his beautiful B-movie star lover Eva Mendes have christened their infant daughter Esmeralda Amada, which sounds uncannily like a lost ship in Christopher Columbus' fleet. "The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, and the Esmeralda Amada were the ships that carried Columbus here so he could rape the land, kill the Natives and clear the way for modern peoples to build Starbucks that serve alcohol," I vaguely remember my second-grade teacher saying.

NYPD Harassment Stories: Do Cops Unfairly Target the Homeless?

Jason Parham · 10/09/14 12:15PM

What is our responsibility to the homeless? That might seem too big a question, but it is something I wrestle with occasionally. It's impossible to avoid the less fortunate men and women who populate our streets—the father forced to seek charity from strangers on subway cars so he can feed his family or the woman struggling to get back on her feet after being laid off. Sixty-thousand people look for shelter every night in New York. And what of those individuals unable to secure a bed, with no other option than to sleep under the lights of our unforgiving city?

South Park Mocks Spin Over Joke About Elderly Pop Star

Jay Hathaway · 10/09/14 12:00PM

Remember the time South Park did a joke about the conspiracy theory that teenage pop star Lorde is actually way older than she claims? And the time Spin, a music publication, totally missed the joke and got offended on Lorde's behalf? It was a week ago. Anyway...

Hamilton Nolan · 10/09/14 11:53AM

Home prices in Brooklyn rose to record levels this quarter, making it the only NYC borough where real estate is more expensive than it was before the recession. The next next next affordable Brooklyn neighborhood is The Bronx.

NYPD Interrupts Birthday Party to Steal Cash, Pepper-Spray Celebrants

Taylor Berman · 10/09/14 11:30AM

Just after midnight on September 16, several NYPD officers interrupted a group of friends celebrating Lamard Joye's 35th birthday near a basketball court in Coney Island. A video of the confrontation appears to show one NYPD officer removing more than $1,000 from Joye's pockets. When Joye objects, the officer sprays him with what witnesses claim was pepper spray. Later, the same officer sprays Joye's sister after she asks for his name and badge number.

Science: Dudes Terrible at Judging Whose Ass They Could Kick

Hamilton Nolan · 10/09/14 10:54AM

Why is it that you think dudes who could kick your ass are huge, but you think dudes whose ass you could kick are teeny-tiny? Because you are not smart, haha, just playing, brother. You are not smart because of science.

David Brooks’ Son Is a Gigantic Bro

J.K. Trotter · 10/09/14 10:42AM

New York Times public editor Margaret Sullivan caused a medium-sized stir on Wednesday after she scolded conservative op-ed columnist and believer in friendship David Brooks for not disclosing that his college-aged son had enlisted as a “lone soldier” in the Israeli army. On Brooks’ side, John Podhoretz, the son of former Commentary editor Norman Podhoretz, tweeted: “Everybody who thinks David Brooks has to ‘reveal’ his son, who’s 23, has joined the Israeli army can go fuck himself.”

Seattle Police Hunt Bold Lawn-Pooping Criminal Caught on Video

Jay Hathaway · 10/09/14 10:17AM

A Seattle man grew suspicious and decided to review the footage from his home security cameras after friends told him there was no way the massive pile of shit in his front yard had come from a dog. He was rewarded with two different angles of a man walking onto his property, unhurriedly dropping his pants, and depositing a horrifying dook.

Fired Catholic High School Teacher Possibly Pregnant With Student's Baby

Allie Jones · 10/09/14 10:00AM

Twenty-eight-year-old Catholic high school teacher Mary Gillies was fired Tuesday from her math teaching job at Pacelli High School in Minnesota after she was arrested for having sex with a minor. According to the criminal complaint, she might be carrying her 17-year-old student's baby.

Hamilton Nolan · 10/09/14 08:13AM

"[Watch] collectors are just as likely to be former police officers as sophisticates like... the musician John Mayer, who in under a decade has amassed a highly personal collection of vintage watches valued in the millions." Some things never change.

Ira Glass Defends His Misbegotten Anti-Shakespeare Tweet

Aleksander Chan · 10/09/14 06:58AM

Ira Glass, famous voice of This American Life, sent the summer news cycle aflutter when he tweeted that "Shakespeare sucks." "It's as if Mister Rogers has tweeted, 'Kermit's an asshole," he told Jimmy Fallon of the ensuing think pieces and tweetstorms on the Tonight Show.