Can you tell the Olsen twins apart?

A Spanish teacher at a Connecticut high school was pulled out of class in handcuffs with very little explanation last week, and a local news station is reporting he showed up to class visibly drunk and pissed his pants in front of students.

Piers Morgan, British person, has taken to the virtual pages of the United Kingdom's sootiest rag to pontificate about a vernacular matter: the use of the n-word among Americans.

There's a new unreleased track from Big Pun out today, which is 1000 times more exciting than a new unreleased track from Tupac.

The finale of Broad City's debut season aired about half a year ago, but if you've spent the entire interim in bed, watching torrented copies of every episode on an endless loop (what a weird thing to do!), it feels like it's been much longer. Today, Comedy Central gave us a precious taste of season two.

Last week, America's paper of record published an article on Alex From Target, a cherubic teen superstore employee who briefly became the most notorious human on Twitter before his inspirational rise to fame was co-opted by society's least upstanding citizens. The Times' story was perfunctory except for one curious part that revealed a lack of pop culture knowledge that will make any true '90s kid spit Sunny D onto his Gameboy.

Boston magazine has a lovely summary of a Twitter incident from last week, in which someone responded to an MBTA train delay announcement by attacking the transit agency's choice of words. The T had written:

Tattooed salami Justin Bieber is still paying the price for that time he egged his neighbor's house in January. TMZ reports today that Bieber coughed up 80,000 whole dollars for damages. Was he throwing eggs or grenades?

Six of the seven scientists convicted of manslaughter for not properly warning the town of L'Aquila, Italy about an earthquake that killed 309 people have been acquitted. The seventh scientist has had his sentence reduced to two years.

One year ago, a New York City college student named Rachael Sacks wrote a typically obnoxious Thought Catalog essay that "went viral" for approximately one week. Now, she is reminiscing on the pains of her lost fame.

Some ding-a-ling microwaved a glow stick, even though his dad told him not to. Dummy!

A "salmon cannon" has been deployed in Washington state to launch fish safely over a hydroelectric dam, and it's giving John Oliver hope for the future. If we can use the cannon to fix the salmon-spawning process (that we broke in the first place, but whatever), who knows what else we can achieve with this wondrous invention?

Perhaps while browsing Twitter this morning, you noticed that #LiamAteNiallsPants was trending nationwide. Uhh what's that, you thought to yourself. Liam sounds like a name...but what are niallspants...should I eat them..? I'm old. (You're old).

After giving birth via cesarian section at Boca Raton Regional Hospital in September, Ruby Graupera-Cassimiro fell unconscious from a rare amniotic fluid embolism. Doctors attempted to revive her for three hours, and after 45 minutes without a pulse, her family was called into the operating room to say their goodbyes. Just before doctors planned to declare the mother dead, her heart started beating again.

Here are some facts about people who get arrested for misdemeanor crimes, based upon recent interviews of "nearly 1,000 people charged with misdemeanors in Manhattan, Brooklyn and the Bronx" by a nonprofit group.

Eight months after revealing his portraits of Vladimir Putin and other world leaders, George W. Bush shared a new painting this morning on Today. The painting, of Bush and his father, is, well, let's just say George Sr. probably isn't impressed. Just look at those eyes.

Nick Jonas, the littlest Jonas brother, has officially completed his transition from young, purity-ring-wearing, boy-band boy to grown-up, Marky-Mark-lite, faking-orgasms-with-topless-ladies cable-television man.

The Cranberries—an Irish band you may remember for the song "Linger," but which has a wealth of other great songs, too!—are fronted by singer Dolores O'Riordan. According to the BBC, O'Riordan allegedly attacked a flight attendant and a police officer on Monday.

The Washington Post has a huge front page multimedia package on "The n-word" today, for some reason. They report that the slur is "more prevalent than ever." That seems unlikely.

There are two narratives about Camden, New Jersey that media outlets like to rely on. One is of a city so dangerous and poor that its salvation is near-hopeless. That narrative can be seen in Matt Taibbi’s Rolling Stone article “Apocalypse, New Jersey,” in The Nation’s “City of Ruins” and in NBC’s “America’s ‘Invincible’ City Brought to Its Knees.”