Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.

In this edition of Jimmy Fallon's ongoing "Famous Song Played with Classroom Instruments" series, British handsome man cabal with angel voices and regrettable tattoos One Direction joined The Roots and the goofy TV host to threaten you with holiday spirit. Santa Claus is coming to town—and he's bringing these scruffy babes with him.

Reese Witherspoon spent the years between 1999 and 2007 married to former soap star Ryan Phillippe, which is punishment enough for anyone. But as Reese reveals in a new interview with Charlie Rose to air Sunday, the years following 2007 were also bad for her, because of Ryan Phillippe.

The NYPD tell the New York Daily News that officer Wenjian Liu had volunteered to fill in for the man normally partnered with officer Rafael Ramos the day he was shot and killed by Ismaaiyl Brinsley in Brooklyn's Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood. Ramos' usual partner was running late that day.

As the mastermind behind the Wu-Tang Clan, RZA is one of the most famous natives of Staten Island. We spoke to him about the death of fellow Staten Islander Eric Garner, police brutality, and the path to a better tomorrow.

A BBC reporter delivered the giggling, high-as-fuck newscast of the year when he accidentally smoked the pile of burning heroin, opium, and hashish he was supposed to be reporting on.

While filming Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb last spring, Robin Williams took some time to help a young co-star go see about a girl.

A British man who fell into a coma after a brutal car accident says the worst part of the whole ordeal was finding out he wasn't Matthew McConaughey.

One of the Cuban spies released in a prisoner exchange this month may have been imprisoned in California, but his sperm sure wasn't.

This Christmas, let's all say a prayer for Angelina Jolie and the adversity she faces in her blessed marriage to human golden retriever Brad Pitt.

Earlier today, Eric Garner's daughter visited the memorial for Wenjian Liu and Rafael Ramos, the two NYPD officers killed on Saturday. "I just had to come out and let their family know that we stand with them, and I'm going to send my prayers and condolences to all the families who are suffering through this tragedy," Emerald Garner told ABC News.

A video file by the name of "2 guys 1 fish" is making its way around Twitter today. The video depicts a man receiving oral sex from a large fish. If you want to watch the video—which, let's be clear, depicts what is almost certainly an illegal act of animal abuse—it is located here. If you don't want to watch, but want to be familiar with the events contained therein, here's a description of the act.

It has not been the most splendid holiday season for Madonna, who had an entire album's worth of new songs leak last week. Nonetheless, she appears to still be in the Christmas spirit. Above you see the lone Christmas decoration outside her mansion on 81st Street in Manhattan: a wreath with dangling chrome letters spelling out the phrase "DAT ASS."

At a press conference this afternoon, Mayor de Blasio asked activists protesting the deaths of Eric Garner and Michael Brown to put their demonstrations on hold until after this weekend, when Rafael Ramos and Wenjian Liu—the two NYPD officers shot to death on Saturday—will be buried.

Just days after Barack Obama vowed to hit North Korea with a "proportional response" to their (alleged) involvement in hacking Sony Pictures Entertainment, the DPRK's fragile connection to the internet has "collapsed" and gone "completely dark," the New York Times reports.

On the real estate front, there's good news, and bad news. The bad news is you can't afford Manhattan. The good news is that Brooklyn is—oh. Hm. Well, the good news is that Queens is—oh. Shit. Uhhh....

An Oklahoma middle school teacher was fired last week for doing something you might do with your punkass cousins but probably shouldn't do if you're certified to teach minors: she put eleven kids in her Honda Accord and locked two of them in the trunk on a mission to find snacks. Snacks are important but they aren't that important, man.

Patrick Lynch is the 51-year-old president of the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association, the largest and most influential union of the New York City Police Department. You might recognize his name: Over the weekend, Lynch blamed Bill de Blasio for the Saturday deaths of two Brooklyn cops who were murdered by a lone gunman from Georgia. “That blood on the hands,” he said at a press conference, “starts on the steps of City Hall, in the office of the mayor.”

Dov Charney, creepy and gross founder of American Apparel, was ousted from the company (again) last week and, well, things aren't going to great for him. Today he revealed to Bloomberg that he only has $100,000 left in the bank and is crashing on a friend's couch in New York.

A pilot tracking an Eastern grey kangaroo and her joey through Hunter Valley, Australia got a little too close, and perhaps underestimated the roo's speed and vertical leap. Although the pilot tried to back the drone up, it was too late: His shit got wrecked.