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Every year, the president of America, Barack Saddam Hussein Obama, and other congresspeople choose a handful of Regular Joe (or Josephine, Jose, Josefina, etc) American citizens who have suffered some sort of trauma and/or are representative of an issue to take part in the Constitution's greatest mandate: that the president "shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient." Cool... but have you ever heard of texting?

You are probably familiar with Prophet and internet gadfly King Nazir Muhammad for his advocacy of the controversial position that all women should become lesbians. Today we have more King Nazir Muhammad news to report—news that I think you'll want to hear.

Damn. Eighty-one-year-old Tony Trapani just met his son for the first time this week in Grand Rapids, Mich. He only just discovered he even had a son after cleaning out a filing cabinet left behind by his late wife, whom he claims hid the letter from him for more than 50 years.

A laid-back, friendly fellow known as "the Gentleman" is beloved by all at a bar in Chihuahua, Mexico. All, that is, except the guy who stabbed him in the freakin' head with a pair of scissors.

This is not one of those general explainers to an upcoming event cheekily labeled "Idiot's Guide." This is, rather, a guide to Barack Obama's State of the Union speech, written by an idiot.

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Making fun of CGI Marky Mark Justin Bieber is so easy and so natural that it's become boring to most humorists, but Bieber apparently wanted his own Comedy Central roast so badly that the network finally gave in and agreed to metaphorically set him on fire.

Two Japanese hostages were unveiled by ISIS this morning in a video demanding a $200 million ransom: A journalist named Kenji Goto, and "security contractor" named Haruna Yukawa. But Yukawa is less a private mercenary than a war tourist—one who traveled to Syria in the wake of a serious mental breakdown.

Roo is a five-month-old black-and-white animal who hops around on her hind legs. Despite her unusual coloring, she seems verily a kangaroo; witness her athletic haunches, upturned tail, and quintessentially kangarooish posture. But what if she's actually a dog?

Traditionally, young people come to the big city with a dream; then, when that dream inevitably fails to materialize, many of them move away to some smaller, more forgiving town and cry silently, years later, at what might have been. Now, the fucking tables have turned.

A five-year-old boy fatally shot his nine-month-old brother in his crib on Monday, according to police in Elmo, Missouri.

Fox News had to issue a correction Saturday night to a story about Muslim "no-go zones" in Britain and France, so called because they operate under Sharia law and non-Muslims and police just don't go there. Correction: No-go zones don't actually exist.

According to an interview with Sienna Miller in Variety (emphasis mine):

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! —what the man recording this video of a truck taking a tumble on the New Jersey Turnpike and nearly killing him manages not to shout.

Wooooo yeah. In Hugh Lofting's classic children's book Dr. Doolittle, there's an imaginary animal called a pushmi-pullyu. Shit yeah. It has two heads, one on either end of its body, and can't move because it's always pulling itself in two directions at once. Hell yeah. This is kind of like that, except instead of a weird goat thing, it's a VW Passat, and instead of standing in place, it's doing the most bitchin' donuts you've ever seen. Awwwww fuck yeah!

In a new video purportedly released by ISIS, a masked militant threatens to behead two Japanese hostages—identified in the clip as Kenji Goto and Haruna Yukawa—within 72 hours if Japan does not pay a $200 million ransom.

At least one person was killed and another was injured when an I-75 overpass collapsed near Cincinnati Monday night, the AP reports.

Johnny Depp sees you, actor-musicians, singing your little songs for all the wrong people, for all the wrong reasons, and it makes him sick.

A man suspected of killing his mother this week was reportedly a childhood friend of Mark Wahlberg's, who fathered the child of a woman dating the mayor of Boston and acted in several Oscar-nominated films.