It's sorority rush season, ladies, and everyone you know needs to be judged on a scale of "NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" to "THE COOLEST GIRL YOU'VE EVER MET THAT WILL FOR SURE BE AN ASSET TO OUR HOUSE!" Use this Alpha Phi rush handbook a tipster sent us to help make your judgment.

As an unlucky jogger learned last week, owls will fuck you up. Ron Jaecks was out for run early Tuesday morning at a park in Salem, Oregon, when something swooped from the darkness and latched onto his knit hat, puncturing his scalp.

"For a moment, she was grateful for the shark's oddly ridiculous yet comforting words, as strange as this all was. She listened quietly, taking in the delicious consolation being offered." Probably one of the best stories about a talking shark you'll find out there.

Twerking is not "over," despite the results of a comprehensive poll of every rapper in Mullumbimby, Australia, but twerking while leaning out of a moving car is over. Specifically, it is over as soon as you lose your footing and fall to the unforgiving pavement.

Fellow Millennials: What is your current savings plan? Chances are you probably don't have one. Here's a retirement plan you could try: Save every penny you find for the next 65 years; that's what 81-year-old Ira Keys did. Now he has $816 in cold, hard cash.

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A Colorado pastor threatened to cancel a woman's funeral because friends and family displayed photos of the deceased with her wife. The service could not continue, he said, as long as there was any evidence that Vanessa Collier, who died at 33, lived what he called "an alternative lifestyle."

A man in Brooklyn fell to his death Sunday afternoon after a walking over a faulty sidewalk cellar grate. "The thing just opened," a witness told the New York Daily News. "He was walking. He wasn't paying attention. The thing is loose. And he disappeared."

The New Year, or South Philadelphia's share of it, was being assembled in a warehouse with a bright yellow Cottman Transmission sign at the entrance, right on the corner of 13th and Reed. "You don't want to get a screw in your foot," Jinks warned me. All around us were the raw materials and detritus of fun: brightly colored vinyl sheeting; racks of satin dresses, fringed costumes, and sequined suit jackets; prickly tinsel; stacks of lumber; buckets of nails, screws, and paint.

If current trends continue—and there is no reason to suspect they won't—we may be just a year away from a time when the wealthiest 1% of people in the world control the majority of the wealth.

Twain Thomas was sentenced to 15 years in prison last week after chopping down his neighbor's front door last February with a machete, apparently attempting to kill. The neighbor, James Cvengros, filmed the break-in and stopped Thomas by shooting him three times in the chest. "I know they were terrified," Thomas, 54, said in his sentencing.

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Despite many gracious pleas for the cessation of this practice, it appears that wealthy people (in Canada) are making bold and whiny public declarations of their puzzling inability to "afford" the lifestyle they purport to deserve.

You might think of reporters as nothing more than pencil-pushing dorks and neutered Twitter-shouters, and this is basically correct. But according to new Edward Snowden documents published by The Guardian, Britain's NSA equivalent thinks investigative journalists should be treated much like terrorist threats.

As a lonely show-business child who lived in a pretend box, Jessie J was forced to entertain herself by training as a freakish dummyless ventriloquist. And even though she's now an internationally known performer who frequently appears in public and interacts with other human beings, she's still able to put herself back in that imaginary box, singing to herself with her mouth closed.

Politics is often comedy. The fact that the robotic and unloveable Mitt Romney may run for president again is funny enough. But Mitt Romney running for president on an anti-poverty platform is truly a comic masterpiece.

In the continued fallout of the Sony hack, a new report by the the New York Times—citing U.S. intelligence officials and documents previously leaked by Edward Snowden—puts the NSA inside North Korea's computer system as early as 2010. This previous hack, officials say, is how the United States apparently determined North Korea was responsible for the cyberattack on Sony.

Shortly after he'd been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964, Martin Luther King, Jr. sat down with writer Alex Haley for Playboy in what would be the longest interview King ever gave a publication. It's breathtaking, and you should read the entire thing.