If you're going to spend $255 on crib for your spawn, you might as well do it ironically, right?

Michael Bloomberg looks pretty good for his age. But he could always look better! Thanks to the magical powers of New Beauty magazine's highly addictive Instant Makeover Tool—do not visit the site unless you're prepared to fritter away half your afternoon—we subjected the mayor to an eyebrow lift, eyelid fold, blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, lip augmentation and jaw contouring, and then used some injectibles for treat those depressing nasolabial folds and frown lines of his. He turned out quite nicely, don't you think? You can review larger before-and-after photos here, if you'd like to inspect our work more closely. Now all Bloomberg needs to do is make an appointment with the plastic surgeon of his choice and we can all look forward to a much more fresh-faced mayor on the campaign trail this fall.

Glenn Beck cries all the time because he's incapable of regulating his emotions. Also, it's a good image. Here's some deeply creepy and oddly transfixing behind-the-scenes video of Beck mugging and crying for the camera at his GQ photo shoot.

[Lindsay Lohan shopping at Blue & Cream yesterday; image via INF]

Why did Republican Senator John Ensign's sexual dalliance with a married former staffer get revealed now? Because of subprime mortgages and the Nevada housing crisis!

Maybe the iconic imagery of the '60s meant something in its own time, but today it's solely used as a nostalgia trigger to lure aging Baby Boomers into purchasing crap from massive corporations. Shut up and buy, you old hippies.

Today we have a "spicy tamale" (that means Latina) who is dating three men, one of those annoying items that's about something nice, and a famous couple that's hiding a lot behind their movie star veneers.

Yesterday it was reported that Morgan Stanley would be "first in line" to pay back the money it received last fall from the U.S government as part of the good ol' TARP. Morgan Stanley won't be able to claim that honor, sadly. U.S. Bancorp and BB&T were the first banks to repay the government in full today. Morgan and Goldman Sachs are now claiming that they plan to settle the matter by the end of the day. Let's hurry it up, gentlemen. It's not like bureaucrats in Washington work investment banking hours, you know. [NYT/Dealbook]

Have you ever used Zicam Cold Remedy? Did you subsequently lose your sense of smell, for life? If not, consider yourself lucky.

Ever wish you could look like the Real Housewives of New Jersey? Or, more likely, wish you could look nothing like the Real Housewives of New Jersey? Well, W gets to the bottom of the tanning, botoxing, buffing, and spackling routines of Caroline, Danielle and Dina (who, along with Teresa and Jacqueline, put on quite the table-throwing season finale last night). Mimic or avoid at your own discretion.

Bernie Madoff has been sued by a long list of former investors. Now his sons will get to share in the excitement. Two former employees of Bernard L. Madoff Securities have filed suit against Andy and Mark Madoff and claim the two brothers were well aware of the $65 billion Ponzi scheme and made efforts to "cloak the massive fraud of the Madoff investment advisory business." Richard Stahl and Reed Abend are now demanding $2 million in deferred compensation from the Madoff boys. And while it's unlikely the sons could come up with that kind of cash even if they wanted to, Abend, at least, could always resort to extra-legal justice if he's forced to. He's the same ex-employee who allegedly shoved and punched Andy Madoff when he ran into him on the street back in May. [NYDN]

• Publishing heir Robert Ziff has dropped the price of his three-bedroom condo at the Trump International. The 41st-floor pad, which Ziff picked up for $5 million back in 2001 before moving to 720 Park a couple of years later, first went on the market for $13 million in July 2008. It's now listed for $11.5 million. [Cityfile, Sotheby's]
• Selling the triplex penthouse at 895 Park that once belonged to the late producer Charles Evans hasn't been easy. The co-op's board, led by real estate developer Dan Brodsky, has turned down an offer for the third time. Now that the unidentified financier's $14 million bid has been rejected, the apartment is now back on the market for $15.5 million. [NYO, Stribling, previously]
• KKR partner Alexander Navab has put his four-bedroom apartment at the River House on the market for $24.5 million. The 4,806-square-foot co-op comes with terrace, private elevator, and river views. [Real Deal, Sotheby's]
• Real estate developer Andrew Heiberger has sliced 12 percent off the asking price of his townhouse at 161 East 63rd Street, which he bought for $8.15 million in 2004 and put on the market for $16.85 million in February. The six-story mansion is now listed for $14.85 million. [Real Deal, Sotheby's]

Jada Pinkett Smith says she and Will like to bang in other people's homes, Victoria Beckham has her third boob job, Nicole Ritchie breaks up Lohan and Ronson, Owen Wilson still loves Kate Hudson, and Judd Apatow sucks in bed.

Venus Williams turns 29 today. Greg Kinnear is turning 46. Comedian Will Forte is 39. Newt Gingrich is turning 66. Rep. Jack Murtha is 73. Architect Liz Diller turns 55. Actor Thomas Haden Church is 49. Director Bobby Farrelly is turning 51. British director Ken Loach is 73. Latin singer Paulina Rubio is 38. Real estate heir Andrew Farkas is 49. Plastic surgeon Gerald Pitman turns 67. Retired General Tommy Franks is turning 64. And Barry Manilow celebrates his 66th birthday today.

• Here's a rather unlikely rumor but an amusing one all the same: Prince William is supposedly thinking of moving to America with his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, and the two have been spotted house-hunting in Malibu. Frankly, if they were going to move to America—and they're probably not—we see them as more of a New York couple. And NYC could use a prince roaming around, couldn't it? Let's all cross our fingers and hope for the best. [E!]
• Countess (and not-so-real housewife) LuAnn de Lesseps was spotted hanging out with young men and doing tequila shots at a club in the Hamptons last weekend. And the earth continues to rotate on its own axis, too. [P6]
• That was quick. Just a couple of weeks after Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson supposedly reunited, the couple appears to have split up again—and it's all Nicole Richie's fault, too. Or maybe they never got back together at all? Feel free to take your pick. [E!, People, AH]

Ed Koch is in the hospital and will undergo heart surgery over the next few days. It's nothing too serious: He's scheduled to have an aortic valve replaced and reports that he's in good spirits. The former mayor also says the food at Columbia-Presbyterian is pretty tasty, just in case you have a medical emergency in the near future and you want to factor that bit of info into the decision about which local hospital to go to. [NY1, NYP]

Tens of imbecilic wingnuts turned out yesterday outside of Letterman's midtown studio to express faux outrage over his "perverted" jokes about Sarah Palin and her daughters, which in turn provoked Dave to spend almost an entire segment mocking them.

Did media careerism help build the case for the Iraq war? This guy thinks so.

CNN's Reza Aslan reported tonight that sources in Iran said that the clerical body overseeing the Grand Ayatollah has called an emergency meeting. Meanwhile, the Iranian military issued a threat to online media outlets who "create tension." [Pic via Getty]

Levi Johnston, noted Palin daughter-nailer, has hired Tank Jones, "a size-58 suit-wearing black man," to manage his career and be his bodyguard. He's also developed an alter ego to help him destroy his Wasilla-ness and fully embrace douchedom—"Ricky Hollywood."