VERY FAR AWAY, NOT NEAR ANYTHING, New York. — Security in the Hell’s Kitchen club where I have come to observe and participate in the filming of an upcoming episode of The Bachelorette is as lax as the code of conduct in the show’s “Fantasy Suite”—the magniloquent name applied to an anonymous hotel room where, in the final episodes of every season, producers offer that cycle’s Bachelorette the chance to hold a private audience with (AKA the penis of) each of her remaining suitors, out of view of ABC’s peeping cameras.

When a video of Dennis Quaid exploding in anger at "dopey the dick" and a bunch of "pussies" on a TV set surfaced yesterday, many immediately suspected Jimmy Kimmel was involved. The theory makes sense—Quaid's rant arrived shortly after his brother's bizarre sex tapes , making him the perfect candidate to stage something like this, and it sounds a lot like the infamous temper tantrum Christian Bale threw at a director of photography years ago.

The president. Sitting atop a white rock—America, pure as snow, a monument. Lincoln. The ballot box—a throne of our nation. Shall the free press poop atop it? Undulating, in the wind.

An Evans, Ga., mom faces charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor after she told her Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor that she threw a drunken, naked Twister party for her teen daughter and her friends. The sponsor responded to the randy mom's plea for help by narcing her out to the sheriff's department.

Today, low-wage workers in 200 cities across the world—fast food workers, Walmart employees, adjunct professors, and more—are walking off their jobs and staging protests to demand better pay and working conditions. Is there a strike near you? Probably. Leave dispatches in the comment section below.

Homaro Cantu, the Chicago chef famous for his molecular gastronomy-inspired dishes at his West Loop restaurant Moto, was found dead Tuesday afternoon in a building where he intended to start a brewery. Police told the Chicago Tribune Cantu appeared to die of hanging. He was 38.

Like building a fire or doing your taxes , knowing how to drive stick is a life skill that's no less useful if your life is one of crime. That's the lesson a South Carolina man learned this week when his kidnapping attempt was thwarted by a manual transmission, the Associated Press reports.

V Stiviano launched a thousand lawsuits when she leaked audio of boyfriend and disgraced former Clippers owner Donald Sterling being racist on tape . But she couldn't win the big one, filed by Sterling's wife, demanding she return the expensive gifts he gave her during their extramarital relationship.

On Monday, a federal judge sentenced four Blackwater contractors for their roles in the Nisour Square massacre, giving one man life in prison and three others 30 years each, The New York Times reports.

Cops claim an Arizona police officer acted of necessity when he slammed into an armed suspect with his car, sending the man flying into the air.

Two 18-month-old twin brothers drowned in Arizona on Friday in a strange and tragic accident that began with an attacking bee, The Washington Post reports.

Are coyotes popping up deeper and deeper in New York City just to show what they're capable of? Maybe. No real way to prove they're not.

A tipster tells us the LAPD is at the American Apparel headquarters in LA, "because Dov won't leave the property." Know anything more? Shoot us an email at tips@gawker.com.

The FDA announced today that it would like for Kind Bars—those dried fruit and nut bars you eat because they're clearly marked "healthy" on the label—to stop pretending they're healthy. Bad news for Kind Bars, but good news for the American public, which can now stop pretending to enjoy their healthy benefits.

Famed sexter and former To Catch a Predator host Chris Hansen isn't letting a lawsuit or a scandal or losing all his money get him down . Especially not when he can have yours instead. Tomorrow, Hansen will launch a Kickstarter campaign for a new series that is apparently not a joke: Hansen vs. Predator.

The war-torn coastal African nation of Somalia is not just "The most failed state on earth" and "The worst country on Earth" and "The world's worst hellhole"—it is also a great investment opportunity.

As the weather in New York begins to brighten up—the sun is out (kind of), the flowers are blooming, the temperature has begun to rise, slowly—humans are not the only ones who want a piece of that sweet, sweet suntan action. This seal, par exemple, spotted on a dock in Inwood Hill Park on Monday, needs to get a base, too!

A question on a quiz for teenage mathletes proved so tricky for Singapore newscaster Kenneth Kong that he posted it to Facebook to find a definitive answer. Now the problem has driven the entire country mad, and it's spreading to the rest of the world.

"How can I get girls' phone numbers and not feel like a loser when I have a flip phone?" asks a male user of the internet advice site Quora.com.

A former Philadelphia narcotics cop testified in court today against six of his former co-workers, claiming the group stole drug money and planted evidence "too many times to count" during his nearly 15 years in the department's drug unit.