Looking for a job on Wall Street? Great news! Two weeks after JPMorgan revealed plans to hire an additional 1,000 brokers (a move that was quickly followed by the announcement that JPMorgan chief Jamie Dimon's dad was joining his son's firm) comes word that the bank is going on another hiring binge.

Bill Murray could be just like any other guest. Go on Letterman, crack a few jokes, promote his movie and call it a day. Bill Murray is not just any other guest.

This week is Elevator Safety Week in New York City. Jesus, the timing.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

• Actress Kristen Johnston has closed on the sale of her duplex at 296 West 10th Street. The two-bedroom apartment with a solarium and terrace, which Johnston listed for $1.795 million in June and went into contract to sell in August, sold for $1.7 million to costume designers John Orberg and Janet Kuhl. [Cityfile]
• Jamie Drake, the interior designer who counts Mayor Bloomberg as one of his clients, has put his 6,200-square-foot home in East Hampton on the market for $2.9 million. [Newsday, Mercedes/Berk]
• Armon Bar-Tur, a managing director at SafeHarbor Capital Partners, and his wife Rebecca, have found a buyer for their townhouse at 92 Charles Street. The four-bedroom home, which the couple bought for $6 million in 2006 and listed for $14.95 million in October, has gone into contract after less than a month on the market. [Curbed, Corcoran]
• Private eye Bo Dietl has gone into contract to sell his Manhasset home. The five-bedroom home, which the former cop and occasional TV commentator bought for $2.3 million in 2004 and listed for $3.295 million in August, is reportedly selling for "just over $3 million." [Newsday, PDE]

Comedian Tracy Morgan turns 41 today. Mackenzie Phillips is turing 50. Actress Brittany Murphy is 32. Grey's Anatomy's Ellen Pompeo is turning 40. Mets general manager Omar Minaya is 51. Nobel Prize-winning economist Robert Engle is turning 67. CUNY chancellor Matthew Goldstein is 68. Socialite Lauren Dupont is 39. Actress Heather Matarazzo turns 27. The rapper Eve is 31. TV anchor Aaron Brown is turning 61. Film producer Roland Emmerich turns 54. Publishing exec Stephen Rubin is 68. And Sinbad turns 53 today.

• A judge has granted a temporary restraining order barring Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, from distributing a sex tape starring his former wife/benefactor. The order is only in effect for a day and another hearing is scheduled for today, so J. Lo's sex-filled 1997 honeymoon may still see the light of day yet. [TMZ, Reuters]
• Malaysian party boy (and clubland savior) Jho Low celebrated his 28th birthday last week at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas with "bikini-clad party girls and surrounded by caged lions and tigers." Later, he partied with Paris Hilton, Usher, and Jamie Foxx, who reportedly "gifted the birthday boy" with a red sports car for some reason. Apparently, Low is often mistaken for photographer Chance Yeh, so make sure you don't get these two mixed up. A tip: Low is one buying 120 bottles of Cristal. [P6]
• Robert "Joe" Halderman, the guy accused of trying to extort David Letterman, appears in court today and his lawyer is expected to ask the judge to dismiss some of the charges against him. How long he'll be able to afford a lawyer is unclear. He's raised $100,000 for his legal defense fund, but he was also suspended without pay by CBS recently, too. [NYP, MSNBC]
• Madonna wants to clear a few things up: Yes, she's going to Brazil, but no, it's not to meet Jesus Luz's mom. She's going "strictly for fundraising and humanitarian purposes," thank you very much. [P6]

Oops. All the papers report that the FBI failed to act when the Fort Hood shooter emailed a radical cleric 10 or 20 times. Also: swine flu blood shortages! Living on severance! Drug wars! Madoff memorabilia! J-Lo sex tape!

North and South Korean warships just had a gun battle. North Korea say it was an unfair attack by the South, at which they "lost no time to deal a prompt retaliatory blow at the provokers." But it gets fruitier.

Big Bird gave money to hookers through ACORN. Oscar the Grouch had an abortion. These fucking puppets hate America, say conservatives. You know who doesn't hate America? Sarah Palin. And she has a conspiracy theory of her own to add.

More people are unemployed and sat around covered in Pringles shards watching old VHS tapes they forgot they had. The plus side? That means the recession-afflicted are now fighting crime!

Russell Brand's house is for sale (so he can move in with Katy Perry?), Pam Anderson pulls a Blanche DuBois, and Robert Pattinson has poor hygiene. Welcome to Tuesday's gossip.

Of all the excuses and explanations Carrie Prejean made for her sex tape on Hannity last night, only one—that she was a teenager when she made the video—makes sense. For TMZ, that is.

The only thing worse than your unemployed friend who's always borrowing money and eating the food at your apartment is your fabulous unemployed friend, the one who loses weight and befriends the idle rich and gets chic haircuts for free.

Dancing With the Stars goes from camp to pure insanity when Donny Osmond, dressed as Jacko and wearing lipstick, dances the paso doble with Cyndi Lauper within the flashing interior of a Simon Says toy while LaToya Jackson looks on.

Or: How Dudes Living In Their Parents' Basements Became the Horatio Alger Myth of the Internet.

Hey liberal elites: Have you for the last few months wanted to get angry about something Sarah Palin wrote, but couldn't find the time/energy to read complete sentences made of real words? You're in luck. Palin's tweeting again (soon).

Today, Kraft "Foods" launched a $16.28 billion hostile bid for Cadbury, the cuddliest of all confectioners. Cadbury must resist the evil Kraft empire, whose own website implicates the company in the culinary torture of thousands of unsuspecting families every night.

What was the deal with Larry King and his astonishingly yellow suspenders tonight? It was like staring into the sun, if the sun were holding up Larry King's pants while he interviewed the D.C. sniper's ex-wives. I have a theory.

Remember this day when you pass a bio-engineered aardvark with a human face on your way to Yoga class in the not-too-distant-future. Today, some scientists launched a study to determine whether that aardvark should have a human penis as well.