Today, Kraft "Foods" launched a $16.28 billion hostile bid for Cadbury, the cuddliest of all confectioners. Cadbury must resist the evil Kraft empire, whose own website implicates the company in the culinary torture of thousands of unsuspecting families every night.

Kraftfoods.com contains a database of Kraft-centric recipes, helpfully divided into sections like "Budget Wi$e," "Meals in Minutes," "Ethnic Cuisine" and "Your Kids" (cooking for them—not using them!). These recipes are accompanied by a video of a friendly Canadian woman demonstrating them. At first blush, this seems like a good strategy for convincing consumers that the Kraft brand calorie-dense convenience matter they purchased at their nearest sustenance provider is actually food, via drawing on familiar patterns of "recipes" and "meals" and "cooking". But then take look at these recipes:

Bacon Cheesburger Roll
-Yum, this bacon cheeseburger roll is absolutely delicious.
-I put four extra cubes of Velveeta product in it for you, honey. I know how much you love that product!
-A little too much, if the abnormally high levels of arsenic in my blood are to be believed!


Layered Lunchtime Salad
-Aw man, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again? What'd your mom make you for lunch, Jimmy?
-I don't really know. It just sort of looks like she took all the scraps that were left over from making my lunch and put them into this container, instead of putting the actual lunch in it.
-Weird. Why would she do that?
-Well, she's been sort of preoccupied lately. You know... with the divorce.
-Oh.
-...
-Do you want to split my sandwich?
-Nah, I think I'll just sit here and shake my box of food scraps.


Quick Taco Salad
-Hola.
-Hola.
-¿Tienes Kraft Ranch Dressing?
-Si.
-Bueno.

Sweet-and-Sour Stir Fry

-Hi, Susan? Just saw that Sweet-and-Sour Stir Fry recipe vid. Spectacular. Seriously: Really, really good work. We did have just one tiny concern though, which is: There was not a single Kraft product in the entire recipe?
-I guess I just didn't think it really needed anything else, you know? Stir frys are pretty simple... that's the beauty of them!
-Yes... Well, unfortunately your contract stipulates that each recipe must include at least one Kraft product. What about dumping some dressing in there or something? We've got a ton of that Caledonia shit lying around.
-You mean "Catalina?"
-Sure, whatever.