Today at Gawker.TV, we visit the Jersey Shore, Quentin Tarantino's new bizarre commercial, car wash revenge, a terrible spoof on Judd Apatow movies, and Obama responds to a call to legalize everything bad for America.

• Rolling Stone is opening a theme restaurant in LA, believe it or not. [LAT]
• The first issue of Bloomberg BusinessWeek hit newsstands today. [NYO]
• MTV's Jersey Shore is off to a very solid start, not surprisingly. [Wrap]
• Entourage has two more seasons left, and then a movie will follow. [THR]
• The NBC-Comcast deal turned into comedy fodder for Conan this week. [NYT]
• Editors at Golf Digest are a bit embarrassed. The headline on the cover of the January issue: "The Top 10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger." [NYP]
• The new issue of Vogue Italia is totally dedicated to Twitter. [R29, TC]
• Tom Brokaw and his wife were almost killed in a car crash today, but escaped unharmed. A woman in another car died in the incident. [NYP]

We're a Christian nation with a Muslim president who hates Charlie Brown. It's outrageous. The only solution is more outrage, in the form of outrageous right-wing idiot statements. Today's outrage-off: a Jesus-fearing Tennessee mayor vs. Fox News and News Corp.

[Roman Polanski's wife, Emmanuelle Seigner, creates her own horror movie one-sheet as she peers out the window of the Gstaad, Switzerland, house where her husband will soon be held under house arrest. Image via INF]

Today in brilliant ideas—a guy gets drunk and tries to tightrope across a swingset. He falls off, that's a given. What happens after he eats it may surprise you.

In a town hall meeting today, a student asked Obama if legalizing drugs, prostitution, and other awesome things would stimulate the economy. Obama, ever the square, totally shot him down. Dammit.

The Way We Live Now: As close as can be to making a dollar! Unemployment has plummeted to the merest of double digits. Our scalping business is slow, and gambling's dead, but booze auctions are picking up. Promise!

Chatting on your cell phone constantly does not increase your chance of developing brain cancer, according to a new study. Just don't pass this info on to your workaholic boyfriend. [USA Today]

Face-slashing asshole-of-the-year candidate and New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate will not go to jail for the face-slashing (or for the asshole-of-the-year thing).

We are by no means experts, but in this battle it seems like this real-life fella who beat boxes while playing the flute definitely beats Anchorman's "yazz flute" performance by a longshot.

Hey look, Matt Drudge is bringing much-needed attention to the outrageous case of Jeremy Engelking, a white man who was arrested for trespassing on his own property. Arresting white people on their own property is an abuse of power.

Jersey Shore is like opening a tiny present to find it is full of diamonds, but diamonds made of booze, puke, fights, diseases, and discarded thongs. You thought this gift couldn't get better, but it does. It really, really does.

Remember how the Post used to tease the Daily News with billboards, but now their mogul owners have instituted a "no criticizing the other guy" policy at both New York tabloids? German newspaper wars are way, way better.

In your ferocious Friday media column: A reporter brings a gun to cover Obama, more NYT layoffs coming soon, the Dallas Morning News would like your continued patronage, and plagiarist plagiarizes.

At a town hall in Allentown, Pa.—coverage of which probably made Billy Joel a couple grand in licensing fees today—Barack Obama said consumers are getting "gypped" by insurance companies. Cue the outrage.

If you thought you might be rid of Vinnie Chase and the boys anytime soon, think again (insert Ari Goldesque homophobic epithet here). The gang is taking it to the big screen!

The feds have granted Google a patent on an internet-video version of the game "rock, paper, scissors" (see above). Or at least, that's what they think they've done. Really, they've enabled a brilliant way for Google to tax pornographers.

Did Sarah Palin leave Hawaii because there were too many Hawaiians? That, apparently, is what her own father said! Of course, her father could be a member of the gotcha liberal media. (Have you gotten to him too, Andrew??)

This movie is an insult to the mouth-breathers who enjoyed "Epic Movie." The trailer for "The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It," is worse than you can possibly imagine. (NSFW)

Tiger Woods' major sponsors have been standing by him. But if any of them do part ways with the golfer over his extra-marital dalliances, there's probably a pharmaceutical endorsement deal that could be his. According to a report this morning, Woods and Rachel Uchitel were fond of taking Ambien before getting down and dirty. "You know you have crazier sex on Ambien," Uchitel reportedly told a friend. "You get into that Ambien haze. We have crazy Ambien sex." [Radar]