Has Jon Krakauer been reading Gawker? Okay maybe not. But he did a pretty great job of moderating an impromptu post-interview Q&A session for his new book, Missoula, on Wednesday.

People may have been drawn to Queen’s highly-rated Cucino a Modo Mio pizzeria for the fresh cassava but they stayed for the hundreds of pounds of sweet, fresh cocaine, cops say.

It’s exit poll time in the UK, and the Conservatives are coming in strong. The Lib Dems will be lucky to score double digits, and Ukip—the Tea Party from across the pond—gets its first two seats ever. Most importantly: David Cameron appears to have won a big blue dick. We wish them well.

There’s good news and bad news in Comcast’s alleged mission to improve its worst-in-America customer service. Good: You might actually get a refund after they bill you for equipment you’ve already returned. Bad: You’ll have to sign an agreement never to tell anyone that Comcast overcharged you in the first place.

No matter how many zillions of munitions we drop or drone-fire onto the territory controlled by ISIS, we’re woefully far behind in the propaganda war—and nowhere is this more evident than the increasing Meme Gap. But internet legend turned senator Cory Booker wants to turn the tide.

Remember Aaron Schock? The Republican Congressman from Illinois’ 18th District resigned on March 31 in response to a cascade of scandals, such as his Downton Abbey-themed office, his use of government funds to pay for tickets to a Katy Perry concert, and his office’s extremely questionable travel reimbursements, all of which are now the subject of a federal investigation. So what’s he up to these days?

Beloved southern ice cream-maker Blue Bell just pulled its products a few weeks ago after three deaths and a number of illnesses sparked concerns of Listeria contamination. But apparently, Blue Bell wasn’t exactly taken by surprise: a new report from the Food and Drug Administration claims that the company likely knew about a Listeria contamination as early as 2013—and didn’t do a damn thing about it.

Here’s the thing about nature: It will fuck up your shit.

New York governor Andrew Cuomo, generally a corrupt and gutless politician, today vowed to take concrete steps to dramatically increase wages for fast food workers, a nice change of pace from his usual corrupt gutlessness.

Isn’t life terrible? Obama’s in office, gays are getting married, and humanity has just generally lost its way. All of this comes with a whole slew of exciting punishments, since the End is nigh. And presidential candidate Mick Huckabee can’t wait.

Reddit is at its best when it has no illusions about what it really is: an enormous internet rock tumbler that occasionally produces something with viral potential for me and my coworkers to post on Gawker. When it pretends it’s not also a hive of racism and slime, it insults our collective intelligence.

Every now and then things go your way. You find money on the sidewalk. You accidentally get a side of fries with your order at no charge. Your subway train arrives right away. And sometimes you really luck out and discover a free bag of high quality cocaine hidden inside your granola bar.

As you watch this poor pup go around and around in his dinghy, your heart, too, will spin circles. Do you take pity? He’s trapped on that tiny boat, and all that motion is surely wreaking havoc on his tummy. Do you laugh? Dumb dog! Or do you feel envy? Dinghy donuts are probably more fun than lots of things, such as watching YouTube videos of dumb dogs.

AirBnb has agreed to compensate the owners of a Calgary home that was thoroughly destroyed in a “drug-induced orgy” while four people were renting it through the online service.

Russia finally got to show off its fancy new T-14 tanks in a Victory Day Parade rehearsal earlier today. And it went great until one of the supposed super tanks came to a direct halt right in front of Lenin’s grave—which was totally intentional and definitely not a sign of anything breaking down. Russia promises.

The National Security Agency’s widespread collection of telephone records is illegal and not authorized by Congress, the Second Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Thursday in ACLU v. Clapper. A New York District court had previously refused to even review the bulk collection program, saying it was “for the other two coordinate branches of government to decide.”

Sales of Keurig push-button coffee makers plunged last quarter, and the company’s stock price is plunging too. Is the “bad coffee at high prices plus wanton waste generation” formula breaking down? Or what?

Yoko Ono, a wonderful artist whose reputation has been mired by bastard Beatles fans who haven’t done their research, has made a new line of cups for Italian coffee company illy.

Dominyk Alfonseca says he didn’t rob that bank. He just handed a teller a note asking for $150,000 that wasn’t his, collected it from her, walked out with it, and then put photos and videos of the whole thing on Instagram.

Hey readers, did you hear the news that fancy grocery chain Whole Foods is going to open a new chain of stores targeting millennials?