An Iowa man says an oil company offered him the services of a “$1,200 teenage prostitute” if he agreed to let them run a crude oil pipeline through his land. Crude oil indeed.

Workers discovered another body this afternoon in the wreckage from last night’s Amtrak derailment, bringing the death toll from the crash to seven. Among the victims are a Navy Academy midshipman and an Associated Press video software architect.

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.), one of the wealthiest anti-corporate corporatists in Congress, may possibly run for Marco Rubio’s open Senate seat. Nothing’s certain! Except that Alan Grayson, one of the most obnoxious members of an obnoxious Congress, will make an ass of himself. Just look what he did today.

For Iranians having trouble in the bedroom, Thom Yorke is here to help. He is the face of a book “about sex problems between couples” in the country. Hmmm, something about this does not compute ;).

I hate saris.

NYPD officers reportedly shot a hammer-wielding man this morning in midtown Manhattan. The man, who the New York Post reports was shot in the head, allegedly tried to attack in officer with a hammer at 37th Street and 8th Ave.

Got a couple million dollars in the bank? Want to make it rain at Christie’s? Too bad, you’re a sucker who is still too poor to buy art. Please step aside.

Masked gunmen attacked a bus carrying Ismaili Muslims in Karachi, Pakistan early Wednesday, killing 43 people.

According to South Korea’s chief spy agency, the head of North Korea’s military was publicly executed by anti-aircraft gun late last month for disobeying Kim Jong Un and falling asleep during a meeting, the BBC reports.

This Saturday, an Army veteran in Athens, Georgia smashed the window of a hot car to free a dog in distress and was subsequently arrested for criminal trespassing, The NY Daily News reports.

If you happen to see a wild bear, police in North Adams, Massachusetts have a sensible—if weirdly specific—recommendation: “Chasing bears through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised.”

Quick math problem: Lindsay Lohan has 17 days (not counting weekends) to do 115 hours of community service or she goes back to jail. Lindsay does 0 hours on Monday and 0 hours on Tuesday. How fucked is she?

According to WCAU, at around 9:20 p.m. on Tuesday, an Amtrak train derailed eight to 10 of its cars in Philadelphia’s Frankford neighborhood. Officials say at least five were killed and around 50 more were injured when the train carrying approximately 243 people crashed.

Several prominent reporters are coming forward to back portions of the explosive new Seymour Hersh account of Osama bin Laden’s killing.

A 34-year-old man who killed his stepfather giving him a so-called “atomic wedgie” last year is going to jail for involuntary manslaughter—and that’s the silver lining.

One of the Toronto soccer bros chewed out on camera by a reporter for pulling the tired “Fuck Her Right in the Pussy” gag has been fired from his $100,000-a-year job. Fucked himself right in the paycheck.

Who should save the sight of an uninsured South Carolina man who can’t afford eye surgery? That’s the question the Charlotte Observer asks in a story about a 49-year-old Republican who declined to sign up for Obamacare because he “prided himself on paying his own medical bills,” and is now upset that the Affordable Care Act won’t bail him out.

Dane County District Attorney Ismael Ozanne announced today that Madison police officer Matt Kenny will not be charged for shooting and killing unarmed biracial teenager Tony Robinson in March.

With every day that passes, it seems like yet another politician is jumping aboard the good, maniacal ship Jade Helm conspiracy theory. And according to a new poll from Rasmussen, these lovable lunatics we elected into office are not alone. Because 45 percent of voters “are concerned” that Jade Helm is just a cover for martial law in the American Southwest.

“Afghanistan has around 500,000 acres, or 780 square miles, of opium-growing land, which is the same as 400,000 football fields, including the end zones.” American nation-builders: like a Roger Goodell for the entire world!