“Hit men apparently get a commission, according to this Hells Angel, if the target owes money”: Just one of the many things you can learn from Josh Bearman’s 20,000-word Wired account of the rise and fall of online drug black market Silk Road. Start with part one here; finish with part two here.

The Simpsons star Harry Shearer, the versatile voice actor behind Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, and C. Montgomery Burns, is leaving the show after 26 seasons, he announced on Twitter Wednesday night. Eventually, it’ll just be A Simpson.

In the National Transportation Safety Board’s ongoing investigation into Tuesday night’s deadly Amtrak derailment, investigators have found that a technology designed to prevent trains from traveling at dangerous speeds had not been installed on the stretch of track where Amtrak 188 derailed.

According to ABC News, Brandon Bostian—the engineer driving the Amtrak train that derailed Tuesday night, killing at least seven people—says he has “no explanation” for the crash because he can’t remember it.

At least 45 people are reportedly confirmed dead, with dozens more missing, after a fire broke out at a rubber slipper factory that allegedly had bars on its windows preventing workers from escaping.

Some mornings I look in the mirror and I think to myself, “Isn’t it amazing our president is still alive?” Because frankly, it’s a recurring miracle.

Australia is NOT fucking around with its quarantine policies, Johnny Depp!!!

A woman on trial for drowning her fiancé in a bizarre kayaking incident on the Hudson River allegedly told police officers it “felt good knowing he was going to die.”

Less than 24 hours after an Amtrak train derailed in Philadelphia, killing at least seven and injuring 50 more, House Republicans voted to approve a funding cut to Amtrak’s budget by about a fifth.

At a press conference this afternoon, NTSB spokesman Robert Sumwalt said the engineer of the Amtrak train that derailed last night in Philadelphia applied the emergency brake “just moments” before the fatal crash. Sumwalt also said that an automated speed control system called positive train control was not installed on that stretch of track.

Missouri’s Speaker of the House, Republican John Diehl, is currently embroiled in a scandal after allegedly exchanging sexts with a college freshman intern who had him in her phone as “Frank Underwood ;).” The Kansas City Star has obtained and verified screenshots of their :kiss emoji: iMessage conversations, which “paint a picture of playful sexual innuendo.” That is certainly one way you could put it.

Waka Flocka Flame seems like a pretty relaxed guy. Running for president, hiring a professional blunt roller, endorsing cough drops: these are all the actions of the chillest middling rapper, and if you are about to harsh that mellow, you’ve got another thing coming. Togetherness is the only acceptable feeling at a Waka show.

Being tried for murder apparently didn’t dull Amanda Knox’s sense of humor. Last night in New York, the one-time accused roommate stabber belted out The Cranberries’ “Zombie,” a song about tragic death, with all the fervor of someone no longer facing life in a foreign prison.

I was recently voted one of the 15 most notorious party crashers in the world, a title I don’t take lightly. I am proud to report that I came in at No. 4, beating Tareq and Michaele Salahi (#15), Queen Elizabeth (#14) and Bill Murray (#6). Lady Gaga and Serena Williams were handed honorable mentions, but did not actually make the esteemed list. Better luck next time, ladies!

The NYPD has released surveillance footage of an NYPD officer opening fire on man reportedly armed with a hammer in midtown Manhattan today. The video appears to show the suspect—who allegedly attacked four people on Monday—lunging at a police officer before being shot by her partner in the middle of 8th Ave.

We’ve all done stupid shit when we were kids. A marble up your nose, a toy truck in your butt—no big deal. Doctors got your back. One man, 51-year-old Steve Easton, has lived practically his whole life with a piece of a toy dart in his nose and only now did he learn about it. What a fun surprise!

Have you ridden the Amtrak lately? Perhaps you were asked to participate in a survey regarding your experience. If so, please disregard. Following Tuesday night’s accident, Amtrak sent out emails to various customers asking them to please keep all extremely rude comments to themselves.

Two hearse drivers, assigned to transporting the body of a Korean and Vietnam War veteran to his funeral in Lecanto, Fla., Tuesday morning, have been fired after they were witnessed stopping at a Dunkin’ Donuts mid-trip.

According to sources who spoke with NBC News, the Amtrak train that derailed last night in Philadelphia was traveling more than 100 mph when it crashed at a curve where the speed limit is just 50 mph.