Parks and Recreation's house band may be used to dive bars and drunk girls, but last night they rocked slowly and killed softly to teach a lesson in love: that front man Andy Dwyer is the dreamiest.

Earlier this week a real estate developer announced plans to open an aquarium in Times Square filled with sharks and penguins. But that isn't the only ambitious new project headed to the neighborhood. A gay resort may be coming soon, too:

Sometimes the only way to get a handle on all the things happening in the news is through the five-seven-five-syllable form known as haiku. "Kreepie King" Jim Behrle has written his entry. Why not leave your own in comments?

Last night The Office continued it's attempt to regain lost footing. It seems the whole Sabre buy-out of Dunder-Mifflin is a way to bring Jim back into the sales-floor fold, and push Michael back into his absurd position as boss.

A six-car DC Metro train (Red Line for those keeping score at home) derailed near Farragut North. No injuries are reported, though Post reporter J. Freedom duLac is totally late for work. (Pic via DCist.)

Throughout a sixty-six year career of sturdy, spirited matrons (mostly), Angela Lansbury has been secreting away to her temple of womanhood to reclaim her femininity and free herself. Thrill as she prances on the lanai, chasing away her menopausal demons.

On The View, Joy said that "the man gives to the wife" and that she didn't believe in exchanging gifts on Valentine's Day because "exchanging is for Christmas." Does this go against her feminist ways or is it just old-fashioned?

Walter Frederick Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, died this week at home in Utah. Morrison patented the world's first commercially produced plastic flying disc in 1948, and sold the concept to Wham-O in 1955. (He'd also been a prisoner of war in Stalag 13 during World War II, after his P-47 Thunderbolt was shot down.)

Everyone loves having their name shouted out on live television on their birthday. However, that's not funny at all. What is funny is making up names and making local news anchors say them.

We haven't heard much about the Madoff clan the past few months. That's not because the feds grew bored and decided to give up. They've been quietly assembling a case against Bernie's brother (Peter) and two sons (Andy and Mark), and may eventually charge them with tax fraud for using Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities as their "personal piggy bank":

Survivor has returned for its TWENTIETH season. It hasn't quite jumped the shark yet, because the first 15 minutes had me laughing maniacally. But as far as the show itself, Survivor is pretty much copying MTV at this point.

You might imagine that, after scanning guys' dating profiles, women would be turned off by the douche who's so proud of his gym-honed abs that he poses shirtless. But scientifically-collated data begs to differ: Dating site OKCupid has found that men whose profile photos include a shirtless shot get more responses—but only if they're the proud possessors of a six-pack. Otherwise, it's best to unveil your flabby love handles in person, duh.

To all the single fellas: here's a sure-fire guide to getting what we all really want on Valentine's Day. Here's a hint: it's not chocolate.

South Koreans are reportedly using a "snack sausage" as a "meat stylus" for their iPhones. Guys, I think South Korea is making fun of us and our fat American sausage fingers.

When it comes to his shadow run for Senate, Harold Ford is a New Yorker through and through. When it comes to paying taxes, though, he's still a Tennessean — he's never filed a New York return.

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to put a cute dress on a magazine cover. The delusion that will stop print from going extinct. The vision of concentration. The delusion it leads to victory.

Naomi Campbell paying her respects to Alexander McQueen outside the McQueen store on West 14th Street ... Keanu Reeves leaving his hotel ... Kate Bosworth doing some shopping in SoHo ... Kim Kardashian heading out for the night with Reggie Bush ... Katharine McPhee leaving Century 21 ... Whitney Port walking around in the West Village ... and Katie Holmes leaving the Bowery Hotel with Suri and later stopping off at Magnolia Bakery to buy a cupcake.

Wearing what is likely to be the most absurd doggie outfit ever, a little beagle races his jockey man around a snowy yard. It's just like a real race, pit stop and all.

Is our entire universe a giant hologram? Really high scientists say "yes." From the comments: " Physics involving cats is hard enough, now the cats are holograms also?"

Bernie Madoff's sons and brother face charges of criminal tax-fraud. (They are also accused of totally knowing about Bernie's fraud, because they all deposited like ten bucks in their "investment accounts" and then withdrew several millions of dollars.)