President Obama showed little patience for a protester who interrupted him at a White House Pride Month reception on Wednesday, immediately waving a finger and scolding, “Nonononononononono, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

Gene Palmer, the New York prison guard who allegedly passed hacksaw blades hidden in uncooked meat to escaped killers Richard Matt and David Sweat, has been arrested, CNN’s Shimon Prokupecz reports. On Tuesday, Palmer’s attorney said his client was unaware “there was something in the meat.”

Three people were indicted Wednesday on involuntary manslaughter charges after a mentally ill college student was found dead inside a Georgia jail cell.

Earlier this month, a couple named Derek and Maria Broaddus filed a lawsuit in Union County, New Jersey, alleging their home’s former owners had failed to warn them about a local individual who calls him- or herself “The Watcher.”

Last we heard from escaped murders Richard Matt and David Sweat they were leaving their underwear and bloody socks in an upstate New York cabin. Now comes news that they’re probably heavy armed and possibly injured…with a blister.

The greatest threat to world security is currently bed bugs, which reportedly stormed the United Nations this week.

Sensing the way the political winds are blowing, unassembled furniture warehouse Ikea is following the lead of retailers like Walmart and raising the wages of its employees. Will that be enough?

A Virginia man was awarded $500,000 in a defamation and medical malpractice suit after he caught his anesthesiologist openly insulting him and mocking his penis while he was knocked out for a colonoscopy, the Washington Post reports. The patient had set his phone to record so he wouldn’t miss the doctor’s post-op instructions, but ended up taping medical staff joking that a rash on his dick was “probably tuberculosis in the penis” or “penis ebola.”

In the wake of the murders of nine black churchgoers by a white supremacist with Confederate sympathies, multiple national retailers announced plans this week to stop selling Confederate flags and Confederate flag-branded apparel and paraphernalia. Walmart was the first to eliminate Confederate merchandise, with eBay, Amazon and even Etsy following suit. As of today, there’s scarcely a trace of the famous “rebel flag” on Walmart.com or Amazon.com. But bargain-hunting chattel slavery enthusiasts need not abandon their laptops for flea markets just yet: You can still buy Confederate flags at both of those sites—just not the one most people think of as “the Confederate Flag.”

Surprise! Experienced exorcist and current Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal is running for President. Now, some candidates’ announcement videos may focus on things like production, a candidates’ values, and actors who have consented to being filmed—but Bobby Jindal isn’t like other candidates. Instead, here’s a video he took of his children with a camera he hid in tree.

Above, we see Elizabeth II, Her Majesty the Ice Queen, examining a portrait of her as a young girl riding a blue horse, which was presented to her today by German Federal President Joachim Gauck. We haven’t seen the queen this disgusted since Kate Middleton wore the wrong shade of nude tights to tea.

Last week, a new bar and restaurant in Ridgewood, Queens called Nowadays opened to fawning press. New York’s Grub Street said it “aims to be your backyard hangout for the whole summer.” Gothamist, meanwhile, said it “looks like a summertime paradise,” which is true if you imagined paradise is located directly next to a radioactive waste site.

What did you do this weekend? Did it require multiple units of police back-up? Did it involve a wedding, a stun gun, a drunk 14-year-old, and someone grabbing a cop’s dick? Did it go down in the self-proclaimed Pretzel Capital of the World? If you answered “What is the Pretzel Capital of the World?” to one or more of these questions, shut up and hear me now: You are not one quarter cool as this couple, whose love may one day die, but whose recent insane nuptials will thankfully live forever—in the form of an incredible police report.

During his sentencing hearing this afternoon, Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev addressed the court and members of his victims’ families for the first time. “I am sorry for the lives I’ve taken, for the suffering I have caused, and for the terrible damage I have done,” he said, reportedly while crying.

Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long (or until an enormous saw blade physically prevents me from doing so). That is a terrifying actual thing that happened to a driver last week on the Chongqing expressway in central China: a large circular saw blade buried itself a foot and a half deep into the hood of his truck, forcing him to stop. The man was reportedly shaken, but unhurt.

A family has been forced to flee their new $1.3 million home in Westfield, New Jersey, after repeatedly receiving threatening packages from a person who calls themselves “the Watcher,” according to a lawsuit filed against the previous owners of the home.

Prominent Crossfit entrepreneur Joshua Newman is being sued by a business partner who alleges that he lied and defrauded investors. Look, if you’re not strong enough to defend your own money without the interference of government “laws,” don’t invest in Crossfit.

France: home of good cheese, strong wine, some other shit, and an advertising festival named Cannes Lions. Early Tuesday, two randy festival-attendees were overcome by their love of creativity, advertising, and their love for each other—some might call it joie de vivre—that they took to fucking on the red carpet in clear view of a late night rooftop bash above them.

Following the lead of his colleagues in South Carolina and Virginia, this morning Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley ordered the removal of the four confederate flags flying at the state’s Capitol in Montgomery.