The internet shame waltz, a dance as old as time: first comes the Bad Deed, then the claim that I Was Hacked, and then the Bad Apology. Vine “celebrity” Carter Reynolds is in hot web water after a leaked video purportedly showed him trying to push an underage girlfriend into sex. Now he is “very sorry.”

If you are a member of the savvy “millennial” generation you stand for two things: authenticity, and hipness. And you know god damn well in your little black hearts that no bank is more authentic—and hip—than Bank of America.

A judge denied a request yesterday to drop charges including manslaughter against Peter Liang, the NYPD cop who shot and killed Akai Gurley last year. Liang’s lawyers argued unsuccessfully that if subway shooter Willie Groomes wasn’t indicted, Liang shouldn’t have been either. He has pled not guilty to all charges.

Friends say they’re “worried” about a 23-year-old British banker who started openly snorting cocaine on the Tube this month. Worrying behavior to be sure, but at least he was kind enough to offer his fellow commuters what he dropped on the floor, which is honestly more than I can say for most drug-addled New Yorkers.

According to a New York Post source, Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell, the prison worker accused of helping two convicted murderers escape, had sex with one of them in a closet at least 100 times. “Wait, that’s not what I heard,” her husband told NBC :(

While you could reasonably argue that many—or even most—corporate CEOs are paid too much money, there is no better poster child for CEO overcompensation than Les Moonves, who plunders the CBS corporation like an evil pirate who tips poorly.

Former corrections officer Rick Ross is back in jail after allegedly fighting an employee who was working on his Georgia home.

A Georgia man was arrested on Saturday for allegedly playing a criminally hilarious practical joke where he surreptitiously added weed killer to a co-worker’s water, the New York Daily News reports.

Film composer James Horner, who scored Oscar-winning films like Titanic and Apollo 13, died in a plane crash yesterday, his agent has confirmed. He was 61. “A shining light has been extinguished,” said Horner’s talent agency in a statement, “which can never be replaced.”

According to the New Mexico Department of Public Safety, an autopsy has determined that Walter Scheib, the former White House chef whose body was discovered outside Taos this weekend, accidentally drowned.

Citing an unnamed law enforcement official, CNN reported on Tuesday that Clinton Correctional Facility employee Joyce Mitchell hid hacksaw blades in frozen hamburger meat, tools that convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat later used to escape the prison.

In addition to dashcam footage of Dylann Roof’s arrest, authorities in Shelby, N.C. released a two-minute audio clip on Tuesday of the 911 call that led police to the alleged Charleston shooter last Thursday.

Imagine getting a text that reads, “Your ass in that photo is the perfect cum target.” Now imagine that text came from your boss. Now imagine your boss is notorious creep and founder of American Apparel Dov Charney. Now imagine this: dozens of women say they had to deal with that on a daily basis.

The California man who claimed he’d discovered a deep-fried rat in his three-piece chicken last week finally agreed to turn the unknown-substance-tender over to the company, and the Col. Sanders administration released the results of a DNA test Monday. Result: the rat was—as KFC had asserted in an amateurish Chart Brut—actually made of chicken.

Remember the old heartwarming classic about some handsome guy with scissors for hands, Tim Burton’s Edward Scissorhands? The one that makes you cry and laugh and reminds you that judging others by their physical disabilities is morally reprehensible? Wouldn’t you like to watch that flick in the park of one of America’s finest cities?

According to an autopsy report obtained by The Baltimore Sun, Freddie Gray suffered single a “high-energy” spinal injury before his death—an injury that likely occurred while he was being carried in the back of a Baltimore Police Department transport van.

This afternoon, Shelby, N.C., police released dashboard video of Dylann Roof’s arrest last Thursday. Two officers can be seen exchanging what appears to be a celebratory fist bump after Roof is handcuffed.

New research from the ACLU is shedding light on just how badly black Americans were economically damaged by the Great Recession of 2008. The racial differences in loss are extremely stark.

EBay announced today that, after last week’s racist massacre in Charleston, the online auction site would no longer permit the sale of Confederate flags. And they’re not alone—Walmart, Amazon, Etsy and Sears also say they won’t sell the flag anymore.

An allegory of the American South: In 1998, a fierce racist (who also happened to be the former attorney of Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassin) named Jack Kershaw created a monument for another bad man, Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest. The resulting statue is so hilariously stupid that we should keep it forever.