The University of North Carolina’s N.C. Children’s Specialty Clinic will now be known as the Krispy Kreme Challenge Children’s Specialty Clinic, named after a tasty treat that’s filled with fat and sugar and will make you obese and die.

The mother of Freddie Gray tried to commit suicide Wednesday night, according to CBS Baltimore.

Looks like the White House is only big enough for one Lincoln and it ain’t Chafee. The former blacksmith, which I’m happy to announce is NOT a joke, took his campaign out back and shot it Friday—truly the humane thing to do.

Prosecutors said Thursday that, as part of the plea deal brokered late this summer, Jared Fogle has paid $100,000 to ten of his victims over the last several weeks and that the remaining four would receive their checks before his sentencing next month.

The Associated Press got their hands on documents that show Arizona attempted to illegally import unapproved lethal injection drugs through Phoenix Airport in July. The shipment was stopped and seized at the airport by federal agents.

Advertising the ability to keep a pizza “piping hot” en route to the curbsides and driveways of America, Domino’s is rolling out a fleet of DXP “Delivery Expert” vehicles equipped with a friggin’ oven behind the driver, reports the Los Angeles Times.

Wall Street billionaire Sandy Weill and his wife Joan were going to donate $20 million to the struggling Paul Smith’s College upstate—seriously, they were!—but some silly judge had to go and ruin the whole thing by ruling that the school could not be renamed Joan Weill-Paul Smith’s College.

Five former members of the Institute of Basic Life Principles, a fundamentalist organization with well-documented ties to the Duggar family, have filed charges against both the organization and its board of directors, claiming they “enabled and covered up sexual abuse and harassment of interns, employees, and other participants in its programs,” according to The Washington Post.

The Associated Press is reporting that a maker of compounded drugs will begin selling Daraprim, whose price was famously jacked up to $750 per pill by one of history’s greatest assholes, for the whopping price of $0.99 per pill.

This video was shot by RTR war correspondent Yevgeny Poddubny on October 18th and obtained by The Associated Press on Thursday. Filmed over the district of Jobar, it is apparently the first to show the extent of the damage to the city of Damascus, the Syrian capital, from the air.

Meet Andy Harris of Maryland. He is a member of the Freedom Caucus, he will throw his support behind Paul Ryan, and he is a hypocrite and a dirtbag from hell.

In a statement on Thursday, police said that Tony Torrez, 32, confessed to the fatal shooting of Lilly Garcia, 4, in a road-rage incident in Albuquerque this week.

“Senator Penny Wong of the opposition Labor Party asked Ms. Bishop’s subordinate Peter Varghese, the secretary of the Foreign Affairs and Trade Department, whether the red-faced emoji had been intended to express Ms. Bishop’s displeasure with Mr. Putin, or some other sentiment.” What’s going on over there?

Los Angeles offers many things. Sun. Sand. Millions of horrible people. Cocaine. Unfortunately, all current and near-future residents of America’s entertainment capital may soon have their lives put in danger by an almost certain earthquake. Or not!

Folks—he’s going for it. After winning Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In Award of the Day” on Wednesday, Paul Ryan has declared his candidacy for Speaker of the House, the Associated Press reports.

SunTrust Bank (market value: $21 billion) is currently laying off full-time IT workers and outsourcing their jobs overseas. The bank does require them, though, to stay on call for two years. For free.

A man accused of masturbating near a woman in a Manhattan subway station Monday night, then pulling a gun on man who tried to catch him on video, has been arrested and identified as a retired NYPD cop.

The drama ramped up this morning as the first half of the Benghazi hearing wound down, and let me just say—thank god for split-screens.

The man who allegedly killed a teacher and a student and wounded two others in a sword attack at a Swedish school Thursday morning was dressed in a black Darth Vader-esque mask and helmet. Two students posed for a photo with him in the midst of what they later learned was a stabbing spree. The girl who took the photo told Sweden’s Aftonbladet that immediately afterward, the man stabbed a teacher in front of them, then chased them through the halls of the school.