Former Toronto Mayor and prominent butthead Rob Ford has a tumor growing on his bladder and will soon learn whether it is cancerous, reports the Associated Press.

Just before the start of tonight’s thrilling GOP debate, CNBC anchor Joe Kernan responded to an explanation of why Republicans decided to hold the debate in Boulder, Colorado. Did he think it’s because the state is politically diverse and a swing state? No.

This is not a fun story of witchcraft, like the witch/warlock dustup: authorities say four people abducted a Texas woman, held her for three days in a San Antonio-area home, and involved her in some sort of “blood ritual,” reports the Associated Press.

We’re back. At 8 p.m. Eastern time, the top 10 GOP candidates will be taking the stage in Colorado for the 87th primary debate. God help us.

Everything about the recent viral infamy of Yusaf Mack is insane—from the actual gay porn threesome he participated in to his decision to address it, which brought the video far more attention than it would have received if he had just ignored its existence. Perhaps the most insane thing, though, is this quote that Mack, a 35-year-old professional boxer who holds some regional titles, gave to the Philadelphia Daily News’s Jenice Armstrong to exonerate himself:

Authorities said Wednesday evening that a Missouri man shot himself in the fact after exchanging gunfire with police officers near the Normandy-Ferguson city line, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports. The 18-year-old man was hospitalized and is in critical condition.

The 75-year-old psychic clairvoyant fortune-teller witch from Salem won her court case over the New Orleans warlock. Happy Halloween, everyone!

The Nigerian military said Tuesday that it had freed more than 300 people held by Boko Haram in its Sambisa forest stronghold. A news release said that eight men, 138 women, and 192 children were rescued and at least 30 Boko Haram fighters killed.

One of the formative stories in frontrunning GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson’s life, a tale he’s told in no less than six of his books and trotted out again on the campaign trail this year, describes how, as a teen, he became so enraged that he stabbed another boy. In every version of the story, the boy’s metal belt buckle fortuitously saves him from Carson’s stabbity wrath. But, as the Daily Beast’s Gideon Resnick noticed when he compared Carson’s accounts, that’s the only detail that’s consistent across all of them.

This will not stand. No. It certainly will not. Do you think Chris Christie, honorable governor of the state of New Jersey, is just some sort of toilet man?

Tonight, at 8pm, the top 10 Republican candidates for President of the United States will, once again, send Twitter into a frenzy as they brawl on stage for the third (fourth? eighth?) time. But this time, these ten (mostly) wildly wealthy clowns will fight over what makes the world go round: tech policy! And of course, money.

Instead of waking up this morning to the proprietary echoing blip of the iPhone’s default alarm tone, a bunch of iPhone owners awoke this week to find the alarms they set had been turned off. Why? How? What the fuck happened?

The Washington Post’s “Fact Checker” column today politely scoffs at Hillary Clinton’s assertion that her husband only signed the anti-gay marriage Defense of Marriage Act as a “defensive action” against a possible Constitutional Amendment that would have been even worse. Sure.

Lean In Award of the Day winner Paul Ryan won the Republican nomination for Speaker of the House Wednesday in a stunning landslide for the job literally no one else wanted.

In act of mutual desperation, CNN and Lindsey Graham conducted an interview over beers at a bar in Boulder last night in advance of tonight’s GOP debate. All parties were there to show the world they know how to have a little fun, which apparently meant a G-rated version of “fuck, marry, kill” called—this hurts to type—“date, marry, or disappear forever.”

In the weeks before a team of Navy SEALS killed Osama bin Laden in his Abottabad compound, a team of Obama administration lawyers secretly crafted a pre-emptive legal justification for his killing, a New York Times report alleges.

Here’s a metaphor: a remote-controlled, tremendously expensive, basically useless JLENS aerial surveillance blimp has detached from its tether at Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland. If you see it, call the authorities. Do NOT try to get it down yourself.

“Life is short, art is long.” Someone said this once—I think Jim Cooke. But what about when art is round? Well, that’s a different story altogether.

I was drinking my second Ketel One and orange juice at 9:30 am on a private jet between the Marine Air Terminal at Laguardia Airport and Grand Rapids, Michigan when I realized this trip might have been a bad idea.

A BBC TV host who was covertly recorded giving a detailed explanation about a drug dealer who “just goes from desk to desk” at the company says his comments were misconstrued.