Deposed Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak and his klepto family have lost an appeal in Cairo Criminal Court that orders all of the family's assets frozen, including real estate, cash, securities and bank holdings. The family's travel ban was also kept in place. You're shit outta luck, Hos!

Police in Rio de Janeiro arrested 214 people last weekend for pissing in the streets during Carnival as part of the city's "Zero Tolerance for Pissing" campaign. There's no ambiguity in that name.

Likely-murderous Dutchman Joran van der Sloot — facing a first-degree murder charge for killing a young Peruvian woman, Stephany Flores last year — intends to use a "violent emotion" defense. Van der Sloot's lawyer says he lost it when he caught Flores looking at Natalee Holloway stuff on his laptop. According to the AP:

Police in Oregon received two calls on Monday night: One from a homeowner whose place had been broken into. And the other from the guy who broke into the house.

The New York Post does not have a great track record at telling black people apart, whether they're media moguls or reality TV stars, so we can't say we're surprised that this Page Six item about R&B singer Mary J. Blige ran with an incorrectly-captioned picture of R&B singer Keri Hilson (full screenshot below). But we know running a daily newspaper can be difficult, so we've created this handy visual guide to help the Post distinguish between Ms. Blige and Ms. Hilson. No more drama, indeed! [pics via AP]

Click to viewWhat does former Senator Alan Simpson (R - Wy.), co-chair of President Obama's deficit-reduction commission, think about "kids these days"? So glad you asked!

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert remarked that he'd been depressed for the last few days. Why? It turns out that Colbert's upset that he has to wait *four more days* for the new iPad—he wants it now! [Gawker.TV]

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert remarked that he'd been depressed for the last few days. Why? It turns out that Colbert's upset that he has to wait *four more days* for the new iPad—he wants it now!

Uh-oh: Someone seems to have told Bono that his Spider-man musical sucks. And now, according to The New York Times, the U2 frontman has "taken a direct role" in talks with director Julie Taymor over the possibility of her exit.

On tonight's Daily Show, Tea Party Senator Rand Paul stopped by to chat with Jon Stewart. The most interesting portion of their discussion dealt with how much government regulation is too much. For Paul, the answer was, well, any! [Gawker.TV]

On tonight's Daily Show, Tea Party Senator Rand Paul stopped by to chat with Jon Stewart. The most interesting portion of their discussion dealt with how much government regulation is too much. For Paul, the answer was, well, any!

(via The Daily What)

Why is no one asking about the United States' humiliating failure to compete in the robots-with-facial-hair race? Though American scientists were at the forefront of the bearded robot revolution, a new collaboration between the Japanese company Geminoid and Danish professor Henrik Scharfe has produced the first-ever robot with a goatee (to the best of our knowledge). This is Geminoid DK, modeled on Dr. Scharfe. You should be nice! Someday, "barber for robot" will be the only job left for humans. The ones whose bodies aren't being harvested for energy by the global robo-consciousness, that is! [Geminoid DK]

Looks like Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi is ready step down! But he wants to make a deal first: According to reports (none of which have been officially confirmed) in Arab media outlets, Qaddafi is looking for a guarantees of safety for himself, his family, and his rather large fortune, and rumor has it that the dictator is looking for a place to crash. But apparently the rebels aren't biting—not only have they officially rejected "broad" talks, saying that any negotiations have to start with Qaddafi agreeing to quit, but sources for al Jazeera and Reuters indicate that rebel leaders aren't prepared to let Qaddafi keep his money—and maybe not his immunity from trial, either. [Reuters; image via AP]

Daniel Tosh says our forefathers were racist pigs. Looking on the bright side he says, "At least we're not women, right guys?" before launching into why it's better for women to be "number two" in America than anywhere else.

A student pilot in the Navy comes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier when something goes terribly awry.

Judi Dench and Daniel Craig appear in this poignant PSA in support of International Women's Day. Not only do they reveal some shocking statistics about female marginalization, but they prove that Daniel Craig looks pretty good in a dress.

Hey, it's Clarissa Darling—but all grown up!? Enter Clarissa Now, a 1995 pilot for CBS starring a college-aged Clarissa. This time, she's explaining it all about her foray into the professional world as an intern at a newspaper.

The latest dumbdumb video takes product placement to the next level. "Always Open" is a talkshow (kind of) set at Denny's hosted by David Koechner (whammy!) and starring Jason Bateman. Let's learn about personal boundaries!