Two people were slashed with a razor blade this afternoon on a Manhattan-bound C train near the Ralph Avenue stop in Brooklyn, according to the NYPD. Both victims were hospitalized with minor injuries, and a suspect is in custody.

It is almost four p.m. in Brooklyn, New York, and the sun will soon set to carry us unwillingly into a long, dark night—one of very many to come. For now, though, the sun is shining. Doesn’t have anything to do with this pig, just looking out a window currently.

People who are so poor that they’re selling their own blood plasma are being paid with prepaid debit cards that include exorbitant fees that go to big banks. That just seems like a very mean thing to do, frankly.

Today is election day! It is at best the second-most important election day of the next 12 months and also the only election of the next 12 months to feature a rapping sheriff.

Despite being a mere 169 pages long, Crippled America, the newest book from obscenely prolific author and current presidential candidate Donald Trump, is not an easy read. It becomes physically painful around page 11, when Trump is, ostensibly, explaining why he makes outrageous comments:

Legalizing weed is a great idea: fewer arrests and incarcerations, smaller prison population, more tax revenue, less harmful than alcohol and tobacco. Also, in Ohio, it will make Nick Lachey a big fat pile of money.

A fervent supporter of the Confederate flag was arrested early Sunday morning after he allegedly detonated an explosive device outside a Tupelo, Miss., Walmart in apparent retaliation for the retail giant’s recent decision to stop selling the racist emblem.

Oh the shame: even Taco Bell is distancing itself from a marketing executive caught on camera drunkenly assaulting an Uber driver, explaining in a statement that the company has fired the man and “encouraged him to seek professional help.”

From WCYY Radio in Portland, Maine comes what is purportedly “A Bad Encounter With Funny Man David Sedaris.” But is it?

Killings in New York City have jumped 350 percent compared to this time last year, the New York Post claimed yesterday. It’s a classic Post argument: bloody, provocative, and utterly false when divorced from its own narrow and purposefully misleading premise.

The good thing about class consciousness is that you begin to realize that no matter how long you went to school, your problems are fundamentally the same as all the other people whose bank account balance is as low as yours.

After years of stonewalling, Bill Cosby will speak—under oath—and on the record—again. This time, his testimony will be compelled by the manicured hands of former supermodel Janice Dickinson, who just secured the right to depose him sometime this month.

On Monday, federal investigators announced that wreckage found over the weekend, 15,000 beneath the surface of the sea, had been identified as that of El Faro, the cargo ship that went missing during Hurricane Joaquin last month.

An Idaho rancher was killed when a conflict with sheriff’s deputies over the fate of an aggressive, injured bull apparently escalated into a shootout, reports the Associated Press.

We live in a sick world, ruled by a sick God.

The Tax Justice Network’s biennial ranking of the world’s friendliest tax havens for super-rich individuals and businesses looking to hide their assets is out. Folks, this one is a banger, with the United States leapfrogging Singapore, Luxembourg, and the Cayman Islands to take 3rd.

International baby boy Justin Bieber has made his requests known.

A man who was thrown from his car in a traffic accident and died after landing on a freeway sign was doomed by the least effective ritual animal sacrifice you can even imagine, reports the Los Angeles Times.

“Wall Street tends to understand the transactional much better than deep customer relationships...Natural grocers, like high-end retailers, have a relationship with their customers that goes way beyond the transactional and is very hard to put a value on.” Hmm okay sure, but what’s up with the photos in this story?

Citing Jewish law, Israel’s agricultural minister, Uri Ariel, has proposed a solution to what he sees as a population control problem that has begun to encroach on the country’s God-given right to peace and happiness: an overabundance of kittens. The recommended solution? Forcibly displacing the fluffy, offending race from their native land.