Shelter in place—there’s a high drama alert on the streets of London, where a secret queen has come forth to claim her fortune.

How is the Jeb Bush comeback going? Well, his new slogan uncomfortably resembles one used by England’s most notorious monster. No one wants to vote for him. He apologized to the French. And today, Jeb just unloaded a lot of dark stuff on some unsuspecting middle schoolers.

The FBI examined an informant’s claim that two Wu-Tang Members—RZA and Raekwon—ordered the murder of two Staten Island drug dealers in 1999, according to newly released court documents obtained by the Staten Island Advance.

A new study from astrophysicist Ranga-Ram Chary has found mysterious “bright spots” in cosmic background radiation that could be caused by alternate universes. So far, so good. Only the clowns in “journalism” could screw this one up.

Kim Davis arguably has a lot of contempt: for gay people, for the legal system, for the Second Amendment (that’s a long sleeves joke) but she doesn’t want it on her record.

The shooting death in September of a northern Illinois police officer that triggered a widespread manhunt has been ruled a suicide, the Associated Press reports. The Lake County Sheriff’s Office will announce the investigation’s “conclusive results” Wednesday.

Faced with a shifting marketplace, McDonald’s has ventured into the burgeoning Siberian restaurant scene and attempted to rebrand itself as a “modern progressive burger company.” Shockingly, neither of these totally credible business strategies have managed to offset the existential threat posed by rival burger companies, like Five Guys and Shake Shack, who distinguish themselves by selling actual organic food in their restaurants.

According to a police report obtained Tuesday by the Associated Press, the woman in charge of caring for Bobbi Kristina Brown at the hospice where she died was impersonating a nurse and faces charges including identity fraud and nursing without a license.

Square-ass and/or shrewd-ass Ohio voters rejected a ballot proposal to legalize marijuana for medicinal and recreational purposes, reports the Associated Press. This is a tough blow for “Buddie,” guys.

Voters in the city of Houston today, after a nearly 18-month battle during which the city’s lesbian mayor was sent hundreds of protest bibles, rejected nondiscrimination protections for gay and transgender people.

The U.S. Supreme Court has granted a stay of execution while a lower court considers the appeal of a condemned Missouri man convicted of beating three people to death with a claw hammer, reports the Associated Press.

An Italian man who participated in and completed the New York City Marathon on Sunday before getting separated from his group and wandering the city for two days was found riding the subway on Tuesday morning.

Two unnamed U.S. officials told the Associated Press on Tuesday that satellite imagery detected heat around the Russian jetliner that broke up over Egypt’s Sinai Peninsula this weekend, killing 224 people, possibly indicating a bomb blast or catastrophic engine malfunction.

Lionsgate Entertainment Corp. has confirmed it: AVATRON Park will bring “to the great state of Georgia and American audiences everywhere” theme park attractions based upon a dystopian future in which children are forced to kill each other for an annual television special.

A U.S. Postal Service worker who unknowingly gave Ismaaiyl Brinsley directions to the Brooklyn housing project where he shot and killed Officers Rafael Ramos and Wenjian Liu earlier this year claims he has been the target of violent harassment by the NYPD, the New York Daily News reports.

Today the Associated Press shared the story of a terminally ill Alabama 14-year-old who can’t return to school because of a dispute with school officials over his advance directive. It’s a legal knot, and caught in the middle is Alex Hoover, who is autistic, and who suffers from something called mitral valve stenosis.

Police stormed Lil Wayne’s mansion in Miami Beach on Tuesday, TMZ reports, empowered by a court order to seize certain assets in order to satisfy a $2 million judgment that came down against the rapper in September.

Ahmed Chalabi, a con artist who spent a decade convincing America’s foreign policy establishment to topple a dictator so the Chalabi family could resume extracting their home nation’s wealth, died of a heart attack today, about 15 years too late. If you haven’t read it in a while (or at all), now is a good time to revisit Jane Mayer’s 2004 account of how long and how hard Chalabi worked to make regime change in Iraq the main foreign policy priority of a bunch of deeply stupid but powerful people, who grew to believe, despite of the overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary, that the deeply unscrupulous exile could be a credible leader of a secular and democratic Iraq.

“Exposure Doesn’t Pay Your Rent,” goes the headline on a recent blog post at The Rumpus, a literary website that doesn’t pay its writers.

According to what I’ve been reading, the year is 2015, and men are still refusing to eat pussies. What are you—crazy?