Meet Greg Coleman, Sundar Pichai and Neal Mohan. They are having an awesome week. A week that involves, collectively, roughly $150 million dollars in bonuses; monster severance for short-lived jobs; and orders to report to a new boss in Paris.

Erin Burnett is hot. She is also a financial reporter. Unfortunately, many of the men around her seem incapable of separating the two. [Jezebel]

For the past few days, the Bronx Zoo has been running a poll to come up with a name for the cobra that went missing from the reptile exhibit and was found, still in the reptile exhibit, alive and well. Voters have spoken, and the snake will be called "Mia." Charming.

Here's a trailer for Anonymous, a Shakespeare conspiracy movie directed by 2012 and 10,000 BC genius Roland Emmerich. The movie's about the theory that Billy Shakes wasn't, in fact, the author of the plays attributed to him, but it's also about slo-mo action scenes and Vanessa Redgrave wondering just what the hell kind of picture she's wound up in.

As it's been several weeks since we've had a John Edwards update, the Enquirer has a tale about him telling friends he'd rather commit suicide than face a trial over campaign finance violations connected to Rielle Hunter. [Jezebel]

Writer/filmmaker Davy Rothbart's recent New York Magazine faking orgasm article was filled with (allegedly) porn-induced sad sex and delusions. Eww! Thankfully, in a documentary premiering this month, he's redeemed as a "terminally romantic", bemused savant looking for love.

Things narcissists do to embarrass themselves on the internet: post embarrassing self-portraits on Facebook, beg websites to use cuter pictures of them, and edit their own Wikipedia pages.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but is it more important than going to Heaven?!

A crack team of Harvard researchers have determined that "modern members of Congress spend about 27 percent of the time just taunting each other." That's much lower than we would have expected. It's great news!

If a government shutdown happens, it'll be because Republicans are demanding policy restrictions in addition to spending cuts before agreeing to fund the government through September. These policy restrictions would target abortion providers and seek to limit the reach of the Environmental Protection Agency.

Remember 'To Catch a Predator,' the awful festival of horror and shame from Dateline NBC that briefly captured America's heart in the mid-aughts? We thought we'd check in with the creepy internet vigilantes behind it, and guess what? They're broke.

Confederate racist ex-Senator George "Macaca" Allen is running to reclaim the Virginia Senate seat he lost in 2006 by being racist, or at least widely interpreted by everyone as such. But that's all over now! No more needless racial flare-ups on this campaign! Except for the comical one that just happened, and maybe more down the line.

Last night's episode of America's greatest shining whirligig took us on a tour of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, a ghost-filled place where musical legends will spend eternity in our greatest approximation of hell, the city of Cleveland.

Sure, Ellen has thrown her weight behind He Who Must Not Be Named, but has anyone told her that the Order of the Phoenix is way chiller about food fights and tardiness? Come to Team Harry, Ellen!

Donald Trump's latest stop on his pretend presidential campaign that's solely designed to boost ratings for The Celebrity Apprentice was an interview with Meredith Vieira on this morning's Today show, where he discussed Barack Obama's birth certificate. He now has his own "investigators" in Hawaii digging around for it, and they "cannot believe what they're finding." That's hilarious. How is that not hilarious? Mitt Romney only wishes he'd thought of this first.

This is it, guys! Merge time! And the end of Redemption Island!

Throughout history there have been countless attempts to discourage new technologies only to protect other people's self-interests. Below are some of the most suppressed inventions ever.

What do you do when your local mall is overrun by pedophiles? Call in the Yellow Dino, of course! His funky slang and badass fighting skills will send those "tricky people" a'runnin.

A new tsunami warning has been issued after a 7.4 magnitude aftershock hit off the coast of Japan, 73 miles from the nuclear plant at Fukushima. The Japan meteorological agency warned of a wave up to six feet. The tsunami generated by last month's 9.0 earthquake was estimated to be over 120 feet. [Image via AP]

Gawker staff writer Maureen O'Connor appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today! Check out the clip above. For media requests, please contact Kevin Prince at kevin@gawker.com.