Like a vulture circling a mound of rotting flesh, Lindsay Lohan is closing in on the role of Victoria Gotti in an upcoming mafia movie. To seal the deal, Lindsay and Victoria posed for pictures; the result was like one of those fairy tales where a damsel looks in the mirror and freaks out when she sees what she will look like when she is old. Not that Victoria is that old! Just that LiLo has a thing for snuggling up to human embodiments of her super-tan, uber-blonde future.

Presidential candidate Mitt "Willard" Romney ceded tremendous ground to his main rival, pretend candidate and bloated carnival act Donald Trump, on CNBC yesterday, telling Larry Kudlow that he is not a Birther.

Meet Grace Oberhofer, a Washington State teen who has been, gasp, waitlisted at the Stansbury of the east, Harvard University. Waitlisted? Noooo. So what is a disappointed and desperate Harvard wannabe to do? Well, if you're this girl you record a jokey yet still plainly earnest song pleading with the admissions office to let you onto the Yard.

You know exactly who Paul Marcarelli is, even though you don't know that you do. He's the "Can you hear me now?" guy. His be-spectacled face has graced dozens upon dozens of Verizon ads, which have bombarded you for nearly a decade of your life, whether you like it or not.

All of the best technologies in the world have come from America: The Internet, microwave popcorn… other things. So why isn't America No. 1 when it comes to the digital economy? A new report says we're a measly fifth!

This is an important question we are asking ourselves today: can Gwyneth Paltrow be stopped? The human-shaped collection of sunlight and feathers has already conquered the acting world, has become the nation's preeminent country-western-singer, and is now poised to take over the food industry. Her new cookbook, My Father's Daughter, is selling like gluten-free hotcakes and now the New York Post wonders if she could become the next Martha Stewart.

NPR—and the entire public broadcasting apparatus in general—has had a bad year. The botched Juan Williams firing, followed by the botched fallout from the Juan Williams firing, followed by the dumb James O'Keefe prank pseudocontroversy, followed by the resignation of NPR's CEO, mixed with constant calls from Republicans to defund NPR, which even convinced some pinko liberals that NPR should just get off the government payroll once and for all.

Hayden Panettiere invites us to imagine what she looks like during sex. Lady Gaga is against plastic surgery. A boy bander gets a new gig as a Chippendale. Joe Jonas collaborates with Chris Brown. Wednesday gossip can't be unseen.

This old Hollywood leading man got castrated to preserve his voice and defeat his homosexual urges, this pregnant star got her husband hooked on sex toys, and this TV writer has a hilariously filthy mouth. He really takes life by the balls.

Earlier this year, we heard rumors of a revolt brewing among dissatisfied employees at AMI, publisher of Star and The National Enquirer. This prompted every last AMI editor and executive to email us, insisting in the most strenuous terms that AMI is just fine! For example, Star editor Candace Trunzo (pictured, at left) wrote, "What revolt? This is a crock! Your source clearly has an axe to grind. At Star, we are committed to the magazine, AMI and most especially David. He is a superb leader!"

Sidney Harman, the wealthy stereo mogul who last year, at the age of 92, bought the ailing Newsweek, has died at the age of "almost 93." The Daily Beast—which merged with Newsweek after Harman's purchase—posted an announcement of his death just minutes ago. Harman is survived by his wife, Rep. Jane Harman.

Leave it to Big Government to take all the fun out of sporting in Alaska. Last week, the state's Department of Fish and Game proposed banning the use of tasers on wild animals — such as moose and grizzlies — after "media attention" shed light on what some fear is a rising problem. One issue that could arise, according to the Fish and Game Department's "Taser expert," biologist Larry Lewis:

The Vatican was served with court papers last week, in connection with the infamous Milwaukee school for deaf boys molestation scandal involving Rev. Lawrence C. Murphy. The suit names Pope Benedict XVI and two other Vatican officials.

In just over a month, law enforcement agencies have busted two massive marijuana growing operations on Staten Island. Agents from the DEA — along with the NYPD and New York State Police — on Monday raided a "sophisticated hydroponic grow house" and found 450 mature pot plants. Two men were also arrested in connection with the operation, which authorities told the Staten Island Advance was raking in about $10 million a year. Damn.

When Colonel Gadhafi seized control of the internet and jammed cellular networks, it left 2 million Libyans without secure wireless communication. Now a Libyan telecom executive has come up with a plan to take back control of the airwaves. [Gizmodo]

Deposed Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak was detained today, after his well-timed "heart attack" during questioning over allegations of corruption and for ordering the violent crackdown on pro-democracy protesters earlier this year. Last night his klepto sons, Gamal and Alaa were arrested and taken in for questioning in Sharm el-Sheikh, where the family has a massive compound, presumably built with money stolen from the state. In a statement, Egypt's prosecutor general said:

Barack and Michelle Obama will return to their old stomping grounds to tape an episode of Oprah on April 27, airing May 2. It's one of Oprah's last broadcasts, and should be a good one. But is she in? [Tribune]

Just two days after we learned of little Dominic Dill-Reese, the toddler from Michigan who accidentally got hammered on margaritas, comes yet another shocking incident of post-fetal alcohol syndrome. The details are strikingly similar — just replace "Applebee's" with "Olive Garden," and "margarita" with "sangria."

The historic Bieber-Bibi Summit—in which Canadian and Israeli dreamboats Justin Bieber and Benjamin Netanyahu were to meet over danishes to discuss hair products and the Middle East—is over before it even began. But just who failed to be the mensch in this situation is still up for debate.

Kentucky's elaborate practical joke, "Rand Paul," has struck again! Not a month after equating reproductive rights to his freedom to buy different kinds of toilets, Paul is now summarizing Ayn Rand novels during Senate committee hearings.