Have pity on a group of California GOP staffers in Ohio who have been vomiting uncontrollably from both ends of their bodies, not because of the plagiarism and open racism at the convention, but because of an apparent outbreak of norovirus.

CLEVELAND — In the public square on Tuesday morning, as the Patriotic Millionaires spoke out from the podium against money in politics, local teen Zach Alberty unfurled a sign asking Americans to Make Memes Great Again.

Some journalists covering the RNC (not us!) received an email this morning reminding them to dress nicely and “adhere to journalist standards of integrity and conduct at all times,” lest their credentials be revoked. If you know what drunken hijinks or slovenly outfits prompted this warning, drop us a line.

Even in this age of faceless algorithims that guide investment decisions, there is strong evidence that racism still exists in mortgage lending. This is one of the deep roots of America’s racial wealth gap.

First Lady hopeful Melania Trump has been under fire ever since she just so happened to repeat (nearly word for word) parts of Michelle Obama’s convention speech from 2008 last night. Now, Melania is left with the task of proving her credibility. And the Trump campaign isn’t making her job any easier.

Shock-em in Gotham: Bill “De” Blasio, the current mayor of this great metropolis, is the kind of guy who goes to the gym in cargo shorts. Is this what we need, in a leader?

Chris Christie, a glutton for punishment, among other things, has come to Melania Trump’s defense by helpfully pointing out that something like “93 percent” of her speech wasn’t plagiarized.

Like his wife, Donald Trump has never written all of his own material, but with his recent “professional” hires, it’s been harder than ever to tell which tweets actually come from the Donald himself. So we decided to make it easier. Meet @RealRealDonaldTrump—your only source for pure, unfiltered Trump tweets just the way god intended.

In 2014, a year before Donald Trump was even a twinkle in Chris Christie’s eye, the Republican National Committee announced that its 2016 convention would be held in the fair city of Cleveland, OH. Last night, Donald Trump insisted it was his doing.

The Trump campaign today issued an incredible denial over Melania Trump’s clearly plagiarized speech so demented there’s no way it came from anyone but themselves.

On Monday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani spoke at the Republican National Convention, allegedly covering such topics as national security and terrorism but mostly losing his goddamn MIND about the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Tonight at the Republican National Convention, potential first lady Melania Trump delivered the night’s headlining speech in what was her most important moment in the public eye since she married Donald Trump 11 years ago. The speech was praised by hacks on both sides of the aisle (and the middle), though there might unintentionally be a reason for that: As first pointed out by journalist Jarrett Hill, Melania—or more likely her speechwriters—appears to have lifted at least one crucial section of her speech from the one Michelle Obama gave at the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

Monday evening, Donald Trump appeared for the first time at the Republican National Convention, making an entrance that appeared to be inspired in equal parts by professional wrestling and his own reality show.

While discussing recent deadly attacks against police officers in Dallas and Baton Rouge, Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke stopped to offer some “good news” onstage at the Republican National Convention on Monday: A Baltimore officer charged with the involuntary manslaughter of Freddie Gray had been acquitted.

During a discussion of Melania Trump, who is scheduled to speak at the Republican Nation Convention Monday night, Newt Gingrich pointed out to Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren that Donald Trump’s wife is not only very hot, but also from a place that is not here.

On Monday, police shot and killed a 17-year-old Afghan migrant armed with an axe and knife after he attacked train passengers in southern Germany, the Associated Press reports. Four people are said to be in serious condition, but the total number of injured is not yet clear.

On Monday, actor Scott Baio somewhat inexplicably addressed the Republican National Convention on the subject of making America great, and also and safe. “So of course, let’s make America great again,” he said, “but let’s make America America again.” What?

During a discussion of the Republican party’s overwhelmingly white leadership on MSNBC, birther congressman Steve King chimed in on Monday to remind everyone that white people are very good (perhaps even better??) compared to “other sub-groups of people.”

CLEVELAND — On Wednesday, small-business owner Michelle Van Etten will address the Republican National Convention on the subject of Making America First Again. According to the convention schedule, Van Etten employs more than 100,000 people. Actually, the Guardian reports, she doesn’t employ anyone.