Gawker staff writer Maureen O'Connor appeared on CNN's Newsroom on May 21, 2011. Check out the clip above. For media requests, please contact Kevin Prince at kevin@gawker.com.

USA Today is what used to be called a "newspaper" back in the days before the internet, but after the majority of adult Americans became functionally illiterate. In this confusing "new media" age, USA Today has pursued a strategy of becoming the news outlet of choice for angel-believers. Hey, it's a demographic!

When a massive twister hit Joplin, Mo. last night, YouTube user izelsg was trapped inside a convenience store. He posted this terrifying video shortly after, writing:

Paranoid crybaby Glenn Beck is leaving Fox News, but don't you worry, world's biggest suckers Glenn Beck fans: you can still get your "giving money to Glenn Beck fix," in the form of coupons, for chocolate!

More details of yesterday's tornado in Joplin, Missouri, have emerged after a press conference there early this morning. Officials said that 89 people are confirmed dead, and a Fire Department spokesman told reporters that the tornado had "cut the city in half." The path of the tornado was a mile wide and six miles long, and it destroyed much of the St. John's Regional Medical Center.

People are constantly coming up with new and occasionally ingenious ways to smuggle contraband into jail. There's the butt trick, the prosthetic leg stuff, the penis tuck, and of course, vaginas. Lots of vaginas. And last week, when a woman in Iowa was pulled over for driving drunk and hotboxing, she went with the vagina — a mistake that could cost her money and extra jail time. From the Press-Citizen:

A headless corpse was discovered on Long Island yesterday, about 100 miles from where 10 others have been found. As the Post helpfully points out, the beach is "about three miles" from a home that Paul McCartney owns. Uh, thanks?

You've seen the internet meme that Princess Beatrice wore on her head so people would notice her at the Royal Wedding, right? Of course you have, because the internet won't shut up about it! Well, she sold it on eBay yesterday for for two charities — $131,341.47 will go to Unicef and Children in Crisis.

Tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri, have killed at least 30 people, and perhaps far more. A coroner told Reuters: "We have heard up into the over-100 (range), but ... I don't think anyone has a good count right now."

Yesterday, for about the hundredth time, Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh was supposed to sign an agreement to step down after three decades in power. And, unsurprisingly, he backed out for another bullshit, concocted reason. However, instead of just saying "no," he decided to surround the U.A.E. embassy in Sanaa — where the U.S. ambassador and at least four other diplomats were gathered — with hundreds of armed men. From the Times:

You've seen his hype video, Courage to Stand. You've seen his "red-hot smoking wife." You've seen him be a man's man. Such a tease. Then on Sunday night, Tim Pawlenty made it official: It's A Time for Truth and he's running for president! In his newest and perhaps greatest video yet, you'll hear words from Tim Pawlenty that are reassuring in these trying times: truth, courage, blue collar, cupcakes, truth, American Dream, truth... Tim Pawlenty.

Ohio residents Grace Nash, 20, and boyfriend Bruce Crawford, 22, were spotted last month rafting illegally on the flooded Grand River, which led to an hours-long search for the couple. Later, they lied to authorities and claimed not to have been rafting at all. Their punishment was to stand in a kiddie pool and hand out water-safety brochures to visitors at the International Cuisine Festival in Painesville. HAW-haw. [AP, screengrab via MSNBC]

You want to know what love is? This is love: Robert Spearing, 44, and his wife had driven to Chicago all the way from the Province of Ontario just to see Oprah's Farewell Spectacular. But tragedy intervened! The day before the taping, he went to police and told them he'd been mugged by two men ("one African-American and one Hispanic," he said) who stole his tickets to the big show.

On this evening's edition of The Real Housewives of New Jersey meets The Sopranos, resident hothead—and our favorite, obviously—Renee Graziano held a dinner party for her fellow mafia princesses. And as has come to be expected, all of the women came to blows before they even had a chance to finish their appetizers. Because they're classy! Here's some footage of the carnage.

Delivering a commencement speech is the academic equivalent of hosting the Oscars. It's high risk, high payoff, and potentially — if the stars align just right — pure showbiz magic. But when upwardly failing Today Show space cadet Ann Curry delivered an address to the graduates of Wheaton College, she pulled off something closer to a James Franco than a Billy Crystal, mistakenly listing a number of famous alumni who went to a different Wheaton College altogether. Oops! This year's speaker, Time Managing Editor Richard Stengel, couldn't resist opening with a joke at Curry's expense:

Tonight's Billboard Music Awards opened with a raunchy performance of "S&M" by Rihanna, during which a bunch of random hands tried to caress her vagina. Then Britney Spears shot up from under the stage! Except that it wasn't good, because Spears lip-synced (Rihanna sang live), danced like she had arthritis, and even managed to mess up a song-ending pillow fight.

Brazilian police are looking for a thief who allegedly stole a woman's hair while she waited in line at a bus stop. Not, like, by pulling it out! The man apparently used a "knife-like weapon to cut the hair while the woman turned her back to him (she "thought the man was going to steal her purse"). Police believe that it will be sold to some kind of shady wig-maker, which is, all things considered, the least-gross possibility.

About 10 percent of California's population is registered to carry a disabled parking placard, which enables them to park for free, forever, in designated spots. In a state where driving between rooms in your foreclosed house is standard, these placard thingies have become hot items, as you might imagine!

If your efforts to convince your dad/boyfriend/brother/manservant to "see someone" about his "issues" have failed, it might be because the man in question has issues with women. Maybe he should see someone about that! Oh, if only he could.

Attention, nerds! The Cannes Film Festival held its award ceremony on Sunday, handing Terence Malick's Tree of Life the top prize and giving Kirsten Dunst the Best Actress award for Jumanji.