USA Today is what used to be called a "newspaper" back in the days before the internet, but after the majority of adult Americans became functionally illiterate. In this confusing "new media" age, USA Today has pursued a strategy of becoming the news outlet of choice for angel-believers. Hey, it's a demographic!

Is some little kid's made-up story about meeting Jesus in heaven "real?" USA Today will dedicate an entire fair and balanced newspaper story to that subject. But that's not enough for America's demanding angel-believers; they expect constantly updated content related to the various and sundry questions that are constantly popping into their angel-believing minds, planted, presumably, by god himself (if not one of his angels).

Which is just to explain to you, the snobbish, hell-bound "elites," why USA Today has published an op-ed about the "debate" over whether Osama bin Laden is in Hell. One famous preacher says no! Everybody else says yes, duh! The article ends on an admirably even-handed note:

American believers, then, need both clarity and humility about hell. Denying the reality of hell might suit modern tastes, but it doesn't stand up to the overwhelming weight of the Christian scriptures and historic tradition. But confidently asserting that bin Laden is now in hell also treats this fearsome, mysterious reality with far less sobriety than it warrants.

Treating fairy tales with sobriety: that's what makes USA Today the greatest newspaper in our planet's 6,000 year history.

[USAT. Photo via]