Another day, another group of terrible, awful states. Yes we're continuing on deeper into the muck today, bringing you states 17-11. Almost to the top ten! Where will the dump you call home rank?

If you, too, specifically seek to read pieces of writing that you know will be depressing if not dangerous, then there's nothing better than a Thomas Friedman column's opening paragraph that runs with either a misleading anecdote or confusing extended metaphor. Today's the latter! Let's take a gander at this sumbitch. It is about golf.

"Oh boy, oh boy," freshman Senator Marco Rubio thought to himself, escorting Nancy Reagan through the Reagan Library. "I'm in the inner sanctum now. Handpicked by Nancy Reagan to deliver a speech, walking down this aisle like husband and wife. Best damn photo op of my life! Oh, wait, gotta smile."

You think you're living in the year "2011," when America has long since left its ugly legacy of racism behind, until you read something like this: companies are still using Asian people as "tech experts," in commercials. Free your minds!

Everyone thinks that their subway line is the slowest, smelliest death trap of garbled announcements and naked crazy people. They are wrong. But this year two trains did tie for the distinction of being the shoddiest in all of New York City.

It wouldn't be surprising to hear rumors that Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, the Ohio fellow who briefly got famous for asking Barack Obama one poorly crafted question about small business taxation policy on the 2008 campaign trail, was "considering" a congressional run. It's a nice way to get a headline without really meaning it. But apparently national Republicans actually want him to do this?

Here is a list of the places Facebook users "check-in" the most, via Mashable:

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett enter a Ring Cycle of divorce rumors. Jane Lynch was a NyQuil addict. Miley Cyrus' weird goth brother knocks up a Disney star. Clark Gable's grandson is criminally annoying with a laser pointer. Wednesday gossip sleeps around.

The classic corporate law firm business model involved hiring top law school grads and charging clients for their "work" these kids did, which involved learning how to be a lawyer, because of course recent law school grads are completely incompetent.

Allison Samuels is a senior writer at Newsweek. Shaquille O'Neal is a very large former basketball player. Together, they are: super friends!

These women are getting kicked off of their respective shows. This actress wants to raise her baby outside of Hollywood. And this actor might leave his wife for the daughter of his former mistress. At least he'll still have a job.

Post-earthquake reports that the Washington Monument was tilting like a bridesmaid after four champagne cocktails turned out to be false. However, contrary to the Park Service's initial reassurances, our national phallus didn't escape unharmed: It's cracked.

The unsatisfying resolution of the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case raises tough questions of race, sex, power, and law. Indeed, this one murky encounter and its muddled aftermath could be used as a prism through which to dissect the very nature of morals in our sometimes unsettling globalized world. Or, you could just say: fuck everybody involved.

Proud residents of the 46th Worst State in America, California, got a little full of themselves yesterday after the devastating East Coast earthquake and the reactions that followed. Well, a train car carrying 29,000 gallons of propane burst into flames yesterday in Lincoln and now some 4,800 homes have been evacuated. Overreact much? Jeez.

Remember crazy mom Jessica Beagley from Alaska who was so desperate to meet Dr. Phil in person that she abused her young son on video with hot sauce and a cold shower? A judge convicted her yesterday of misdemeanor child abuse. Beagley faces a maximum of one year in jail. This should go without saying, but Dr. Phil really does attract the dumbest, worst people that America has to offer.

North Korea's Kim Jong-il is taking an armored train tour of Russia to talk nukes and money. Today he thanked President Dmitry Medvedev and added, "we're having a fun trip." At least one dictator is having a good week.

Yesterday, Libyan rebels took control of Muammar Qaddafi's Bab al-Azizya air-conditioned tent compound, and celebrated by wearing his clothes, driving his golf cart, and firing heavy weapons into the air. It was a tactical and symbolic victory, but the six-month-long war is not over. Here's a roundup of some of the latest news out of Libya.

Hey, remember that report from earlier in the summer about a veterinary de-worming agent called levamisole that South American drug traffickers were using to cut their cocaine with, that had an unfortunate side-effect in humans which caused them to develop "patches of blackened, dying skin on the ears, face, trunk or extremities?" Well, turns out that's a real thing! And not, like, some elaborate government propaganda campaign dreamed up by Nancy Reagan on a set visit to Diff'rent Strokes back in 1983.

Not 24 hours after David Letterman delivered a jittery Top 10 devoted to jihadist death threats did Craig Ferguson, host of the lead-out show he produces, The Late Late Show, receive a "threatening" letter containing white powder. Two staffers at CBS Television City who came into contact with the substance were held in isolation, but were released after a hazardous materials team screened it and found it to be benign. Both the FBI and LAPD are currently investigating the letter, saying only that it originated in Europe.

Before Californians started mocking people on the East Coast for having the nerve to react to the earthquake that struck near DC on Tuesday, people on the East Coast actually were reacting to it. But what were they saying? On tonight's Late Show, David Letterman gave us his Top 10 guesses.