According to BusinessWeek, a congressional commission has concluded that hackers—probably affiliated with the Chinese military—"interfered" with two U.S. satellites in in 2007 and 2008. So apparently satellites are things you can hack into.

Hirsute hacker Richard Stallman is revered by geeks as a legendary champion of open source software. He is also a legendary weirdo. Take a look at the insanely detailed rider he gives people hosting him for lectures.

Of all the awful things that Jersey Shore sea hag Snooki has ever done, this one has got to be the worst. This morning she was on Live with a Singing Wig and Andy Rooney and she decided she was going to "Snookerize" Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa. Somehow that ended up involving Regis stripping to the waist and scaring every grandma and kid home sick from school who was watching.

Sean Parker has a message for Occupy Wall Street: Life in the one percent is no picnic. People threaten him. He had to hire security. And don't even get him started on the parties.

The first rule of hipness is that hip people talk about "hipness" a lot. When you're around someone who uses the word "hip" a lot, well, you know that hipness is in the air, because nothing is hipper than bandying about the word "hip" as it relates to "hipness," in both writing and casual conversation.

Bernard Madoff has told ABC News' Barbara Walters—in an interview on the occasion of his daughter's book—that he feels safer in prison than he has in 20 years.

After a few masterfully terrible debate performances over the last couple of months, Team Rick Perry may just declare victory and skip out on the many, many remaining debates. He might have scheduling issues on those nights, you know? On all of those nights. Deal with it.

From Argentina, the land of completely naked Dancing with the Stars, comes this new ad for Axe Body Spray, the misguided aphrodisiac of the masses. Ads for Axe are always creepy and stupid and vaguely misogynistic, but is this one the brah-iest of the bunch?

Gay people just got the right to serve openly in the military and they're already causing drama. At least it's good drama this time. A bunch of married gay soldiers have sued the government claiming the Defense of Marriage Act violates the constitution because it blocks the military from acknowledging their unions.

Mister PeePee is a... citizen journalist with a hobby. Tell us what Mister PeePee's hobby is, Jim Romenesko:

Facebook just announced plans to build a giant data center 60 miles south of the Arctic Circle in Sweden. Of course. Any evil, world-dominating corporation worth its salt must have an Arctic Doom Base.

Lindsay's 17-year-old sister has seen her "boobs, ass, and vag." Kim Kardashian's reality show literally tried to cast her husband. Jason Sudeikis is dating an Olsen, but which one? Thursday gossip is sisterly.

The economy grew at 2.5% last quarter, up from 1.3% the quarter before, according to newly released data from the Commerce Department. That's just enough growth to keep from plunging more people into the ranks of the unemployed, but nowhere near enough to start digging us out of the hole we're in.

The hot vacation rental service Airbnb has been insisting its recent scandals have all been innocent mistakes: The time it spammed Craigslist, its dearth of safety protections, the cover-up it attempted. For penance, the company built safety systems like a "verification dashboard," online references, and address confirmation.

This actor missed being in the delivery room so he could bang a coworker. These reality show husbands are cheating. This tween is doing coke in the bathroom. And this actress is broke. Maybe she should star in a sitcom about an actor cheating on his wife with a coworker?

"Queen of Spades," eh? Maybe the folks in Belgrade aren't familiar with the implications of the term "spade"—but, as Copyranter points out, their multinational ad agency must be.

We can think of so many reasons why you should never, ever abuse your wife while she's driving (or engaging in any other activity, really), but here's a very good, common-sense one: You might cause a fatal accident. Fatal to you!

Perverted pervert media sex perv lady Andrea Peyser spends most days scouring the city's least literate newspapers for examples of hot young kids using their sexxxy, bad bodies in sexual ways (for sex). Andrea Peyser will never stop vocally condemning... hey, what are those kids doing?

Charla Nash, the Connecticut woman who miraculously survived a vicious attack by her neighbor's pet chimpanzee (his name was Travis!?) back in 2009 but lost her face and hands, has given her first interview since undergoing a face transplant earlier this year. In interviews she gave before her operation, she wore a veil to cover her face. Now she doesn't have to do that anymore, and she's relieved. "I just know that it's okay...and I don't have to worry about scaring anyone," she says during the interview, which the New York Post reports will be shown tonight on Channel 5 in the UK. She says she was "disappointed" that an attempt to replace her hands wasn't successful, but hopes that maybe another try will work out in the future. What a brave and inspiring woman.

Creepy psycho circus clown Michael Lohan has been arrested for the second time in three days—this time for allegedly trying to contact his girlfriend Kate Major, which he wasn't supposed to do because he just allegedly threatened to throw her off a fourth-floor balcony and The Law told him to leave the lady alone.