It's Thanksgiving Day eve, so you should all turn off your computers immediately and go do Thanksgiving-like things. Like prepping for family time with hours of blissfully mind numbing television.

What is Thanksgiving all about? It's about ringing in the season of conspicuous consumerism we call Christmas, right? So what better way to celebrate that than with a department store sponsored holiday tradition: The Macy's Thanksgiving balloons.

Today we learned about a very lucky pilot who nearly met his end in New Zealand. With such a close call, you have to wonder what was going on in the cockpit during that landing. One helpful commenter supplied us with the transcript.

Today Anderson Cooper, the world's worst cook, had Jamie Oliver on his show to teach him how to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. As well as being a novice in the kitchen we learn he is unfamiliar with something else: rubbing breasts.

On today's episode of the 700 Club, not-dead televangelist Pat Robertson was intrigued by a snippet from his co-host Kristi Watts' interview with Condoleezza Rice. Rice said her favorite Thanksgiving food is mac 'n' cheese, a sentiment that Watts seconded. So Pat Robertson hears this, notes that the two ladies' skins have similarly high melanin levels, and asks, "What is this mac 'n' cheese? Is that a black thing?" It is! It grows on trees, in Africa.

Artist Clark Stoeckley has been reunited with his long-lost Wikileaks truck! Turns out it was at the city impound at Pier 79. Its battery was dead and two new traffic tickets graced the windshield, but is in fine condition otherwise.

Tonight is one of the biggest bar nights of the year as everyone returns to their suburban hometown and heads out to some skanky sports bar they wouldn't be caught dead in the other 364 nights. Then they drive home drunk and get a DUI. Tale as old as time.

Groupon just closed down 35 percent from the start of the week and, for the first time ever, below its initial public offering price. Most other big, recent tech IPOs are underwater too. It's time to admit the tech bubble is burst.

Thanksgiving is a special time of year—a time when you gather with friends and loved ones, look the other way as your gluttonous Uncle George naps under the table, leave gooey-faced babies in the responsible paws of the family dog, and use any excuse to get out of the house.

Ugh. It looks like we're going to have to press the famously press-able reset button all over again in our diplomatic relationship with Russia. But this time it has nothing to do with Putin pulling his sneaky Putin tricks or anything. It's because this news anchor appears to have to flipped off President Obama during a broadcast. What's the deal, mean old cyborg-Tilda Swinton lady?

All of a sudden, Lady Gaga is in full-on holiday mode. The singer just released "A Very Gaga Holiday," a four-song EP of tunes recorded live during her ABC special "A Very Gaga Thanksgiving," airing tomorrow night at 9:30 pm ET. Above, Gaga's traditional, Bing Crosby-esque cover of "White Christmas" – that is, until the pounding drums and laser synths come in at the 1-minute mark (no, that never happens, but she does come up with a new verse).

No, not the shitty old shack in the movie where Ben Affleck goes to pick up Matt Damon each day before work, except in that last scene because Matt Damon leaves to make something of himself. Not that house! Rather this is the house where Matt and Ben lived while they were writing the screenplay.

The person or persons behind the so-called "Climategate" email hack two years ago are at it again: A second trove of roughly 5,000 emails to and from climate researchers at Norwich, England's East Anglia University has popped up on the internet.

Flight attendants are always, like, "I'm going to go ahead and check your bag" or "I'm going to need you to put up your tray table" or "We do have FAA rules on alcohol consumption to enforce, Mr. Tate." But why do they talk like that? Well, because it pays. Duh.

Justin Bieber and President Obama descend simultaneously on Manhattan tonight, for the second time in six moths. Coincidence… or conspiracy? Seriously: Has anyone ever seen Justin Bieber and Obama in the same room together?

It is America's finest annual tradition: The President of the United States, making small talk with wild animals instead of simply slaughtering them.

Aaron Sorkin says he's "strongly considering" making a Steve Jobs movie. Remember how the screenwriter transformed robotic computer geek Mark Zuckerberg into a villainous sex symbol? Just think what he could do to Jobs, an actually interesting person!

Vanity Fair contributor and Rice University history professor Douglas Brinkley was testifying before the House Natural Resources Committee last week about the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. When Rep. Don Young, a raving lunatic from Alaska, mistakenly referred to Brinkley as "Mr. Rice" and called his pro-wildlife testimony "garbage," Brinkley let his contempt flow freely: "It's Dr. Brinkley. Rice is a university. I know you went to Yuba College and couldn't graduate."

Just like the Macy's parade, horribly dry stuffing, and your aunt Joyce drunkenly yelling that she got bilked out of money after grandma died, our Thanksgiving Horror Story contest has become something of an annual tradition. So, please come and leave yours and let's all share the horror together.

Nope, it wasn't Santorum. Sticky goo disabled 100 cars on the Pennsylvania Turnpike yesterday, after a tanker spilled a driveway sealant all over the road. If only a camera had been on hand to capture a bunch of cars going slower and sloweerrr until they finally stopped. In the pantheon of highway spills, this ranks right behind chickens. And in the pantheon of goo attacks, it ranks right behind that orange stuff in Alaska.