Yesterday’s Donald Trump rally in Pensacola, Fla. featured all the hits: Crazy depraved old people in bad hats, mutual masturbation to the thought of a very large wall, and Trump himself publicly berating somebody for a minor perceived mistake. But it also featured what stands as a new classic in the Trump canon: a troupe of young girls clumsily performing a rather horrible pop song written in his honor.

Why can’t you find The Greatest Publication Ever Made on any newsstand or web browser or TV network? Because people don’t want it.

Dean Parker, Dr. Ben Carson’s finance chairman and top fundraiser, resigned from the campaign this morning, just hours after the publication of a Politico article exposing fractures in Carson’s inner circle allegedly caused by Parker’s unusually high salary, expenses and aggressive temperament.

For whatever reason, this week’s collection of Wikipedia refuse is perhaps the most bizarre set yet. Put another way, this week’s articles are fucking phenomenal.

Drug kingpin Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán may not have had any idea who Sean Penn was before agreeing to meet with him in the jungle, but he definitely knew all about Penn’s companion, Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, a beautiful tequila spokesperson he wanted to bring home to his mother.

Hillary Clinton is not going to make it easy for you to come around to supporting her. “You” meaning the good young liberal, who probably voted for Obama, and perhaps even (if you are old enough) supported him over her in 2008.

The World Health Organization has declared an end to the deadliest Ebola outbreak on record, reports the New York Times. The announcement comes after the countries hit hardest by the epidemic—Liberia, Sierra Leone, and Guinea—reported zero cases for 42 days, or two incubation periods. During its two thriving years, the epidemic killed 11,300 people and infected more than 28,500.

Last year was horrible in many ways, but it was not horrible in at least one way: for the first time since the Great Recession, we have all decided to stop handing billions of our dollars to Wall Street money managers for no good reason.

Alan Rickman, the charismatic British character actor who played larger-than-life heroes, villains and Ronald Reagans throughout his 30-year film and stage career, has died from cancer. He was 69.

Multiple explosions were reported in Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia, on Thursday, including at least one directly outside a United Nations building. At least three people have been reported dead. Gunfire is reportedly being exchanged around the city.

Over the course of 15 years, since about 2000, three male boat operators and a supervisor sexually harassed at least 35 female National Park Service employees during work trips on the Colorado River, according to an investigation released by the Department of the Interior on Tuesday.

On Wednesday, authorities released a journal belonging to John Houser, who killed two people and wounded nine last summer in a shooting at a Louisiana movie theater. On the last page, the Associated Press reports, Houser wrote, shortly before the shooting, that he was leaving the journal “in hopes of truth, my death all but assured.”

Contaminated water provided to the citizens of Flint, Mich. caused the levels of lead poisoning among children there to spike, and now, with the city in a state of emergency, officials are planning to find out if the water also explains the dramatic rise in cases of Legionnaire’s disease.

Ted Cruz likes to tell a story about how he and his wife Heidi financed his scrappy, underdog campaign for the United States Senate four years ago together, out of pocket. This, according to a report from the New York Times, is pretty much a lie.

Good news for people who hate the people of Brooklyn, or at least the idea of the people of Brooklyn: Gothamist reports that forthcoming Hurricane Sandy-related repairs to the the L train, which connects Williamsburg to Manhattan, could shut the line down for at least three years.

“I lived most of my life sexually assaulting kids—I never went to jail,” said 56-year-old Roy Bay at last night’s Jacksonville City Council meeting in Florida. During the meeting, many spoke in favor and against expanding the city’s Human Rights Ordinance to include LGBT people. Bay (and possibly his church*) apparently thought sharing his horrific story of preying on children (for 20 years, according to a follow-up interview by Jacksonville’s Action News) would bolster the side against expanding the HRO. The idiocy is nauseating.

Nikki Haley, who not-so-subtly addressed Trump’s call to ban all Muslim immigrants during last night’s State of the Union response, has responded to criticism from Trump by holding fast to her position. And also by apparently forgetting that slavery, Jim Crow laws, and the Trail of Tears (along with the rest of a not at all insignificant portion of American history) ever happened.

A new “Yoga in America” study finds that there are more than 36 million yoga practitioners in the U.S., which is an increase of more than 50% in just the past four years. At this rate, in 20 years nearly every U.S. citizen will be doing yoga, which is sure to bring us all together.